How to deal with non-Muslim parents who are addicts?

[Worriedmuslima]

Salam alaikum,

I am a revert in my early 20s - my parents are both non Muslims. I am currently struggling with how to deal with my dad who is an alcoholic and gambling addict. He contacts me daily begging me for money or for me to borrow money from other people to feed his addictions when I tell him I have no money. When I say no he doesn’t listen and becomes very verbally aggressive and will create a horrible atmosphere at the family home when I go to visit until I give into his demands.

Has anyone got any advice as to how I can deal with this situation (other than praying for him)? I find myself responding a bit rudely after saying no 10 times in one conversation, which I feel very guilty about but I’m really struggling with how to handle these conversations.

Hello, i am not a Muslim but I would think you need to respond like anyone sensible would- do not lend him money, and sadly you need to keep your distance as he will only bully you to feed his addictions. I know the Koran sets a lot of store by respecting one’s parents, but this is an example of needing to prioritise your
own psychological safety. Just say no. You have no duty whatsoever to feed his addiction, even if you did have lots of spare cash. If he realises he can’t squeeze you for money he will probably reduce contact anyway.

Wa'alaykumus Salam, that sounds incredibly difficult. I didn't want to read and run even though I'm not sure how to deal with such a situation. Is there any support groups for families of addicts that can advise you?

I agree with the above to not give in to the unreasonable demands and protect yourself.

Thank you for the advice. I don’t want to give him money but at the same time I want to maintain our relationship and not cut contact but I’m just unsure how to navigate this.

I will have a look for support groups - I would ideally like advice that is Islamic but also from someone who has some knowledge of addiction as I think a lot of advice from non Muslims will be to go no contact (which I understand), but I believe this is haram to do according to Islam (correct me if I’m wrong).

Walaikum salam. There are examples in the Qur'an and hadith of even some of the most inspirational people in history having to deal with parents whose behaviour was contrary to values of Islam and even harmful to them and others. You can love someone and have respect for any good they brought to your life, while also recognising that they have other issues which are harmful to themselves and others, including you, and which are contrary to your own values.

Sadly, you probably can't change who your dad is and the problems he has - change really requires the person themselves to want to change. I'd suggest getting some support from addictions charities and support groups, and setting your own boundaries around contact and what you're able to cope with. How he responds to those boundaries is up to him, but you need to protect yourself.

What is he doing to create the atmosphere? Who else is at home with him? I think you are doing everything the correct way. The charity solace will likely have very good advice and they have an ‘ask the sheikh’ option where you email your question and he will answer with a video message (it is Waseem Kempson). I advise you to do this.

Thw charity Solace has a secrion to contact Sheikh Wasim Kempson.
But in the interim you are not obliged to give money if it is 100% known to go to his addiction. Instead if they are in need of charity then offer to pay some bills or buy shopping. Depending in your financial abilities. Dont give money direct. Speak to them with kindness when you visit if things got south then excuse yourself and tell them you will be in touch once things have dalmed down.
Been consistent in your approach and know you are not guilty for giving into the demands. Keep minimal contact and visit when you are able to deal with the it.
All the best sister May Allah reward you for your patience and dedication to your parents. Ameen.