Navigating different opinions on celebrating birthdays

[Scirocco]

We have multiple opinions held in our wider family on celebrating birthdays, and every year the same disagreements emerge. I'm wondering how other Muslim mums navigate this (ideally without arguing with beloved family members...)? We're a multi-ethnic, multi-faith extended family, which adds to the diversity of opinions and expectations.

I go with not celebrating my birthday and not making a fuss. If family members (or friends) give a gift/say happy birthday i smile and say thanks. If they ask what i want i just suggest a book or whatever. If it is their birthday i send a gift because they celebrate (im talking about those who arent Muslim). Anyone who is Muslim i wouldn’t send anything. What is your main complication? If anyone asks i just say that i dont celebrate and make a fuss because…. And explain in a simple way.

@Istilldontlikeolives so, within the Muslims in the family, we have a range from wanting to never acknowledge anyone's birthday (including children) through to wanting to give children a present (not huge) and card. Then, we have the people who practise another faith or no faith sending cards and big presents and saying it's borderline child neglect not to have birthday parties. Then, there's children whose friends (including some of their friends who are Muslim) have birthday parties and lots of presents - some want their own parties, while others are too young to care yet or are happy with something like a nice breakfast with family. It's proving a bit tricky to find a compromise for the children that we can all live with...

Do you mean that your young children are seeing the big presents and parties and wanting them? What is your personal preference?

DH and I are more towards the not doing much side. I think children need to know their date of birth and how old they are, but my preference would be to keep it quite factual, maybe a card with a number on, and making time to be together as a family but not an 'event' so much as just spending time together (eg going for a walk or to the park). I'm not a fan of "Happy Birthday", wrapped gifts, parties, etc. My DC is too young to care much yet, but I'm seeing their older cousins caring about it a lot and they're starting to get invited to other children's parties. With so many different opinions, it can make me start to think, am I being the unreasonable one here?

No, you aren’t unreasonable at all I guess it just isnt the ‘norm’ here… Celebrations have spiralled so much over the past couple of decades. I remember birthday parties at home with a handful of children, sandwiches and pass the parcel and a bit of cake to take home (the best bit - they were always home made!). You are probably sensible to mark the occasion some way so that they know it is their date of birth and also so they dont feel jealous of all their friends as they grow up. Im sure you will make a fuss over Ramadan and Eid celebrations- thats what I always did. Now you can get a huge range of nice decor. I had to make my own and drape tinsel every where but it was still special. Stick to your beliefs and remember the reasons. Smile and nod at those who think you are strange. They will get used to it. Perhaps think about the type of presents you will have to give to those who are more elaborate- money in a card or whatever and dont cave in. You will probably reassess as your children get older but if you both agree now on your plan of action then hopefully it will be sustainable 😁

Asalamu Alaykoum.

I was raised in a cultural family who did Burthdays and New years etc. Now practicing with my own family also practicing. We don't celebrate. We mark the day for reflection and take a photo as a milestone. Although according the Hijri calender we are much older.
But over time my wider family. Mixed ethnicity and some non Muslim just got the memo. When they text we respond thanka but we dont celebrate. Over time we were no longer invited to parties or given gifts.
Alhamdulillah we make a massive deal out of Ramadan and the 2 Eids for our children. When we go all out with gifts etc.

Walaikum salam, thanks @MixedBananas and @Istilldontlikeolives .