Life as a second wife?

[Trytosmilefor2025]

Assalam Alaikum, I am seeking advice and please be gentle on me. I feel I am doing/have done a terrible thing. I am a divorced woman and was worried about sinning so I married a man as his second wife. He said his relationship with his first was falling apart and he did show me texts of her asking about divorce etc, but he wanted to keep the status quo for the benefit of the kids. First wife and kids live in Egypt. Any way, fast forward end of last year when she insisted on divorce so he went to Egypt to finalize things but then the surprise is that when she heard that he has taken a second wife she asked for forgiveness and wants to keep the status quo with her requesting more financial support since he will be mostly spending his time with me. Note that his salary is not massive, which means his financial support towards me will be minimal
..

I am completely torn, I feel I am just not needed in all of this. That I should just ask for divorce as I haven't signed up to be a second wife forever...add to that that he is very attached to his kids and he does not want to have kids with me (a red flag?).

I love him to bit and he is so kind and nice to me and my kids (from previous marriage) but I am just completely torn and I feel that I have caused another woman a lot of pain...

Any thoughts will be much appreciated!

I feel the current set up is unsustainable long term, and best if I cut my losses and just get out of the relationship. Emotionally, I really didn't cope with him being back in good terms with his wife in Egypt...I am worried this will kill me especially that he has kids with her and refuses to have kids with me. Anyone in a polygamous relationship and coping? Any words of advice?

Salams,
I am not a second wife, nor have I ever had the desire to be so this naturally affects anything I will say. In all honesty you’ve answered your own question. May Allah(swt) make this process easy for you.

I think you're right. I have answered my own question...it will be extremely hard for me to cope.

I dont have much time to reply at the moment but when you say last year do you mean as in a few weeks ago or the end of 2023? I wonder if she has changed her mind because she thinks somehow she will get more money because he has married someone in the UK (sorry, I am assuming your circumstances here). I wonder if it is best not to rush into anything for the near future and see how things go?

Yes, that's my feeling too. We got married (nikah) not legally, end Feb last year. I don't want to rush into divorce, as it's not something I have taken lightly but at the same time I am struggling with the idea of living as a second wife. I want someone who I can spend time with and grow old with, and I can't picture it at all.

Perhaps you could give it a year and see how it goes? How old are his children? How long was he married? Do you definitely want to have more children? Did you discuss having children before you got married? I think it’s probably very sensible that you did the nikkah and not the registry office wedding. Have you brought up the subject of visiting Egypt? So many questions, sorry.

His children are 8 and 5 yo. We did discuss kids before hands to be honest and at the beginning I didn't want more (I have 3 of my own too), but I love him to bit and the urge is so strong! He has been with the other wife 10 years, and he is keen to keep things as they are for his kids so as not to impact the kids negatively, which I completely agree with and applaud. But some part of me feel that he also does want to loose his first wife and I feel if I get out of the picture is best so he can just live with his family and make his first marriage work.

It’s certainly a tricky situation. I am assuming he is in England? How did he end up here with a wife in Egypt? His children are still very young. I think for various reasons it would be a bad idea to have children with him. It almost seems like he ‘wins’ whatever you decide. How did you come to meet him? I do think he has been quite unfair on you.

@Istilldontlikeolives so do you think I just cut my loses and exit now? He has been in the UK for a couple of years working here. He has so many problems with his first wife, but he is very attached to his kids.

@Trytosmilefor2025 Im wondered if it might be best for you in the long run but I still think it’s best not to make any quick decisions. He has been here for 2 years and got married fairly quickly if you think about it. His youngest child is only 5. Im not sure I could move to another country leaving small children behind and then marry someone else (who also has children). I wonder if he is kind of in holiday mode and not really thinking of the future if you know what I mean? Who did the nikkah for you? Did you sit with them before to talk about compatibility or did they just do it without asking many questions? Is he living in your home with your children? What is it that you love about him? Can I ask how old you are? Whatever you decide I think there is lots for you to consider going forward. Eg if you stay, you will likely have lots of issues to navigate and as you say, you are not sure you are able to do that. If you leave, do you want to try to find someone else? If you do, you need to be really well prepared so as to find the right person.

Staying is simply not an option as first wife is now throwing a tantrum and threatening that he won't see the kids etc if he doesn't divorce me. Funny as they are legally divorced! And she was the one asking for divorce. But we are separating for a while until things are clearer. Once he sort his life and is free to be a full time husband we can then look at getting back together again. But not in the midst of all this chaos.

I do feel I need company and a man in my life now that my kids are teens and ore teens, I do get very lonely sometimes especially in the evenings. But trying to find another husband might not be the best solution. I will try to fill my time with other things until I can clearly.

@Trytosmilefor2025 how are you getting on? It must be difficult for all of you. I wonder if she is regretting her initial decision of divorce and this has made it all a bit real for her now. I guess he could have just kept quiet about you and none of this would have happened but it’s probably better to have it all out in the open from now even though it is miserable for you.

Thanks @Istilldontlikeolives for checking on me. I do trust God's plan and I am sure all of this happened for a reason. Husband is still with me until mid next month and then traveling to Egypt to be with his kids and try and reach an amicable resolution with first wife. But whatever happens is now in God's hands. I am mostly okay, there are days that are harder than others.

I think it's mostly the fact that I lost both parents quite early and I don't have any family in this country. So for me the idea of loosing a supportive husband (I am aware he might decide to stay with his kids and keep wife number 1) is very hurtful. But it is what it is. I also know that God has been so kind to me in so many ways since the divorce, so I know I will be okay. Your prayers please

I have to say, it's very difficult for my husband too to leave but he made salt elistikhara and found that if he insists on divorcing his wife given the circumstances, it will be seen as if he has abandoned his kids and family to be with a new woman. It's a messy situation I agree!

@Trytosmilefor2025 I’ve been wondering how you are getting on. It is good that you are staying calm and sensible as far as possible. It will be a challenge next month but as you say, God has been kind to you and there is a plan for you. He will no doubt face a tricky time in Egypt, at least you wont be witness to any of that. I hope it is all calm for the children at least. Please feel free to keep coming back and checking in. Also happy to listen by private message if that’s preferable. To add, I am sorry that you dont have family here. I know how it is. I hope you have some friends though I know lots wouldn’t understand this situation anyway.

Salam my dear sister. I hope you are well.

Please do check in to let us know how you are doing x

First of all Eid Mubarak! And thank you so much for checking on me! I was honestly really worried initially posting in here as I thought I will get lots of backlash! I am well elhamdouleh. Although some patches were difficult especially when husband left at the beginning. I gave him some space so he can spend time with his kids and work in his other marriage, but his first wife has now paid a lawyer to officially start the divorce. There was a lot of drama in between that I will not go into. He has been away for almost 4 months now. Theoretically speaking we are still married, I have no intention to look elsewhere (as simply don't feel ready for anything else) so didn't insist on a divorce and I will just see how it goes. For now, I am just focusing on other things, with the kids being the priority 🙂. I know whatever happened/happens it is for the best.

Islamically not wanting kids is a valid reason for divorce.

The other reasons are not in accordance of Islam. But if one of you want children and thenother doesn't then of course you can not remain married. Infact that is borderline Harram of him.

His actions are not Harram. His wife reconciled with him.
I hope you did a proper Nikkah with the terms and conditions written down.

Also. P.s is he an Imam? We had an Egyptian Imam in Cardiff who moved mosque to moswue every 2 or 3 years and would marry reverts and desperate women. He had a wife and children back in egypt no one knew of and would marry for fun and divorce after a coupe years sometimes with a new child. He did this about 7 times all over the country even in Ireland

How did you find out all of this MixedBanana?

No, he is not an imam. And I spoke to his best friend at lengths. Things are just as he described them.

To be honest, becoming a man’s second wife in hopes or expectation that he is going to leave his family and be with you is a little bit icky. This feels like a ‘halal’ affair rather than a second wife. Leave him OP, keep your dignity and find someone who is single.

That's what I did!

Good for you!!

2 of the "wives" reached out to the women in the commu it he moved to to complain. As he did a runner each time and some left with babies from him! We found out he was married to 4 women in the UK and plus 1 in Egypt..... Allahu Allam of anymore. Then he divorced all of them but text.
The women reached out the mosquea who did nothing and then told the women and gave evidence. The familiea pushed him out and one woman got a hold of the wife in Egypt. He did a runner to Canada or USA we last heard.