Help with Parents as a Revert!

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As-salamu alaikum,

I have been married for 3 years to a Muslim man - I used to be a Christian however earlier this year I took my shahada and became a Muslim.

My family are Christian (however they aren’t practicing and don’t understand or have a clear position on some of their beliefs such as the trinity). I wasn’t raised going to church or with my parents teaching us anything about the religion, however when I was reading the bible and asked my parents questions, they got very defensive. For these reasons I decided not to tell them about me converting initially - I was planning to tell them after Christmas due to not wanting to ruin their festive period. However when I made it clear I wanted no gifts, and when I refused to drink at their house my parents asked me if I was Muslim, to which I told them yes.

they’ve taken this very badly, telling me how I’m a disappointment, I’ve turned away from God, I don’t have a mind of my own and am just doing this because of my husband. I tried to explain my reasoning however they wouldn’t listen and became very defensive and combative.

I would really appreciate some advise on how to deal with this, I of course love my parents however their response to me makes me want to distance myself until they are calmer and more accepting as it’s taking a toll on me mentally. They go through phases of seeming okay with me to suddenly getting very angry at me mid conversation and turning the conversation towards me converting, but then being unwilling to discuss it. They just want to voice their disappointment and berate me, then go back to normal conversation which I just can’t do.

My family seem to view religion from a cultural standpoint - they have an issue with the fact that none of our family is Muslim, it’s not what ‘we believe’. They aren’t practising and don’t understand lots of what they claim to believe - e.g they say they don’t believe Jesus is God but they also say ‘God the father God the son and God the holy spirit’ - I’m just using this as an example to demonstrate that they just believe what they’ve heard/family traditions without any analysis/thought/understanding.
I’ve tried to explain to them my views but they don’t care and are not open to understanding.

has anyone been in a similar situation and been able to navigate this?

Sorry if this is really long and rambling, I’m just very upset!

Wasalam sister - sounds very similar to some of my own experiences initially. My family's multi-faith, multi-ethnic, but I was the first person to say "I'm Muslim". Some people took it pretty hard.

It took a couple of years for people to accept that my being Muslim wasn't going to change, and there were some painful moments in there. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk anything through (sometimes things might feel too personal or outing for a public conversation).

I try to see the difficulties as opportunities for daw'ah. By responding with empathy and respect, but maintaining boundaries, I can try to give people in my family a positive example of being a Muslim woman and help them understand a little more about Islam. There are still lots of differences of opinion that are hard though (especially around parenting!).

I suppose you have to accept that it is a shock and disappointment for them regardless of if they have any religious beliefs or not. Not accepting presents was possibly a mistake and would have just annoyed anyone (imagine if you tried to hand a present to someone and they refused it - its unlikely you would just shrug your shoulders and not think anything). I guess all you can do for now is smile and nod and try to talk about things that aren’t related to religion. Keep the debates about the trinity or whatever for later, particularly if they aren’t sure about their own beliefs anyway.

Wa aleykum selam. Fellow revert of 16 years here. I have posted a few times but change my name username regularly.

All incan say is, patience, Patience, patience. Carry on being the star you are ad actions are louder than words. When they see you haven't changed as a person they will relax. At the end of the day the differences will be no alcohol and pork and any religious oracyives you don't have to share with them. If you want to pray, for example, excuse yourself and go upstairs. You don't owe them anything and do not have to share everything with them.

Congratulations and take it slow. No ones expecting you to change every aspect of your life over night.

Salams,
My husband is a revert and to be honest it sounds very much like their response and almost a standard response in terms of what my revert friends have experienced. I’d really agree with @Rustyfeet patience sabr. My inlaws literally came to the point of acceptance after my husband had been muslim 20years but this year, at year 28 came out with the brilliant line “we’d have had such a lovely Christmas if you celebrated Christmas “.

Do you describe yourself to them as a "revert"? If you do, can you accept that for people who are not Muslims effectively being told that they are lapsed Muslims is deeply problematic.