Really struggling in a step family set up. Would be grateful go hear from other Muslim step mums

[Ghdppp1]

Assalamualaikum,

I'm not here for judgment, just looking for support.

I'm married to a man who has a 13yo son who is with us FT. For reasons that are not relevant, my SS doesn't go to school at the moment and has been at home since July. He has regular contact with his mum but sees her infrequently and irregularly. She contributes nothing to his life- neither financially or in terms of schooling support or anything else.

My husband financially is of limited means, although I didn't know this before I got married to him. He gave me the impression that he'd be able to support me working infrequently or not working at all, and made no indication that he'd need me to contribute to household expenses if I did choose to work.

I come from an abusive and dysfunctional family, and married only for companionship and to have the family and safety snd security that comes with it, and that I never had when growing up. But 2 years into the marriage and I've never felt more lonely and unsettled in my entire life.

I've been at home all day looking after my 1yo child. I'm also heavily pregnant with my 2nd child. My husband and SS have sports today and left around midday and came back around 3pm. I spent the day cleaning, preparing food, and looking after the baby. When they got back, they prayed together, then ate together infront of the TV while I was putting the baby to sleep. I then came down to heat up my food. Since they were sat in the living room watching the football, I have taken my food and am eating alone upstairs next to the baby. At about 6pm they'll leave again for another sports thing. I'll stay at home to clean, feed the baby, and prepare food the evening when they're back. This has been my life for more than 2 years.

I have less than £10 in my bank account. I look awful. I know noone in this city. I no longer spend on myself. I very rarely go out. I am severely depressed. Had I known this is what marriage would look like, I would have continued working and living alone. This does not feel like my family or my home. I feel like a guest here, or worse, a maid. I have lost myself completely and I'm struggling so much.

My husband and my SS clean rarely clean up after themselves. Dishes, laundry, even the tables they use to eat on in the living room they seldom tidy and clean after using them. I am growing increasingly resentful of them both, but my SS especially who tasks me with preparing food for him, or doing his laundry, or telling him what to study everytime he sees me.

I want so badly to leave but I have no where to go. I have no family and my closest friend is a very fair distance away. I also don't have money, neither do I drive.

I'm just looking for bit of support. Maybe if someone has experienced being a step mum can share their experiences or how they managed family life.

Thank you so much

I'm very sorry you went through that - and that I phrased it in a potentially accusatory manner.

I'm still very mad at OP's partner. He is complete rubbish!

OP, you should be claiming the child benefit because in doing so you will get NI credits towards your pension. If he is claiming it then you are not getting those and will likely find yourself in the position where you are not eligible for state pension when you get to the right age to claim it.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-parents-and-carers-cf411a

https://mwrc.org.uk/

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/

Here are links to a couple of organisations that might be of help to the OP.

Asalamualykum
I would try and see if you can get some family counselling.
Make a chore chart for everyone husband and 13 year old
Home education at 13 he should be capable of learning himself with a little help from his dad or if you wanted to you could there are loads of free resources available.
Make a meal plan and a time for dinner and everyone sit together and eat, do not fall into them eating and you eating alone.
Try to listen to a talk together as a family once a week something that would help with manners and good character.
You need to speak calmly to your husband or if you find that difficult then write him a letter or an email explaining how you feel.
Your ss now has a sibling and another on the way. Dad needs to explain to him he is a big brother and needs to behave well.

You can try building a relationship with your ss, he needs rules and boundaries too along with being big brother.
If you truly feel you can't change things for the better then plenty of advice above regarding steps to go forward.

Hello, OP.

Just checking in. How have you been doing?

Hi, I'm okay alhamdulillah. Thank you.

Having discussions with my husband re finances and he suggested that I work PT and contribute to family finances. I'm reluctant to do this because the housework and childcare will still fall largely on me (this is something I've always felt quite strongly about - how women are made to burden both household responsibilities on top of financially supporting the family). On top of this, we're not legally married, and he's refusing to register our marriage legally. I've given up my career for the security of a family. But I don't feel veey secure.

I saw how my mother was left in financial ruin by my father. They also had no legal marriage, he kept her off the deeds of the family home despite her contributing to household expenses, she stopped working to take care of her children. I don't want the same for me and my children.

Just considering our options at this change. Thanks again for checking in.

If he's refusing a marriage that's legally recognised in your country of residence, then you aren't secure - for your own security it's probably wise to get back into employment. Make sure you're on all the deeds and have all the protections you can get, because you're really vulnerable here.

I'm thinking you could really use some friends and people you can talk to in real life at this stage.

The other posters have already posted good resources, both generalistic and specific to muslim women. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, you've done nothing wrong, do reach out to them.

Sending you a big hug and much love 🌷

But the money would be spent on the house/family? My husband will pull back on spending when he sees me working, and expect me to cover certain costs (groceries for example) which will probably take up most of my take home pay if I work PT. I wouldn't be able to save. On top of this I'll have to stay on top of household chores and childcare duties alone.

I think you'd need to discuss with him about equitable contributions and setting aside some income for yourself - is he truly financially controlling to the extent that he'd do that to you? That's awful!

And the house and childcare shouldn't all fall to you - a family unit should be a team effort, with everyone contributing, so he should be doing household and parenting too.

Maintaining employment is important when you're dealing with a situation like this, not least because it keeps up national insurance contributions. It's also advantageous for when/if things go wrong - you're less likely to end up in a financial wreck of a situation if you have an income and a job (something to fall back on and it's easier to get a job if you have a job).

So he's paying for it but you don't think he should have a say in it?
Having a PhD is mashaAllaah awesome but he's right in that he has maybe more life/work experience than you, is that what he meant?
Is your PhD in House decorating so you are more qualified than him on the matter?
You will both live together no?
Shouldn't you both get a say?
After all you both would want to be able to rest and relax in the home so you should both compromise to have something you both like. If I painted the bedroom pink and dh wanted it bright yellow I think we would both have issues!
Try to talk without getting angry or taking everything the wrong way. Maybe get counselling? It sounds like you two maybe need to learn how to communicate more effectively. Sounds like you are already upset so him making any comments will set you off.
Maybe write a letter to him to explain what you would like (everyone doing chores to help around the house including dss) and how you feel. Maybe think about if you were paying all the bills what some of the things you say would make you feel.
If you earn any money (working from home etc) it is your money not his money. He should be providing for you but then also you can't make demands of wanting things that you want not need. You have to realise that things are expensive these days. Yes its nice to have certain things but if you don't need it then it won't be a priority.
Sounds a lot like maybe you 2 need to sit down and discuss or have some therapy. Are you from totally different backgrounds or something?
Maybe he wants to feel like he's in control or something?

Just saw your heavily pregnant. You really don't need to take requests from the 13 year old. Hes old enough to cook or make his own snacks.
If it was me (pretty sure I've previously done this) I would leave the mess. I would leave the dishes etc I would concentrate on myself and the toddler and baby. You need to be taken care of you should not be running around taking care of everything else at this stage of pregnancy. If your husband and ss aren't going to do it you'll need to teach them to do it when you get time. As for the no money thing doesn't he give you anything for your needs? When you need to buy pads/baby stuff etc ?

Because his degree is in interior design?

You suggest perhaps he just "wants to be in control or something" like it's some incidental and inconsequential thing.

The mind boggles.

Here's the thing, men and women are different, men have certain rights and responsibilities in Islam and women have certain rights and responsibilities in islam.
When getting married or before getting married I always advise the men and women to read about their responsibilities and their rights.

Then when issues arise you try to resolve it using islam and focusing on our deen. What is our ultimate goal? Why are we getting married? How can we work together. There will be things you don't like about each other and there will be times you need to compromise but whatever you do needs to be done in an islamically correct manner.
Might be best to get counselling in real life with a Muslim marriage counsellor.

Of all the things I mentioned about needing to compromise work together maybe not understanding each other etc you pick 1 thing yes he probably wants to be incharge /in control yes probably feels that's the only way he can feel manly perhaps? If you feel your phd makes you more educated or superior in some way then you might want to try to understand why that could make him feel inferior.
The only thing that makes someone better/higher than anyone else is their islam. Allaah swt will look at our hearts how sincere are we? our intentions and actions we will be rewarded for.

May Allaah swt guide us all to that which is pleasing to Him and may Allaah swt guide you and help you resolve your marriage issues and grant you and your spouse the best of spouses ameen.

He once refused to pay £4 for some ground coffee. Made a entire scene in front of his son (my step son) in the store.

His son has accused me of wasting his dad's money before.

I remain in the house cooking and cleaning up after them. I've often overdrawn. I look like death. I've lost myself entirely. And I cannot even select the soft furnishings in my own bedroom.

But of course, men and women have different rights in Islam. Respect and courtesy are clearly not rights afforded to women in our faith. Instead of suggesting he works on his inferiority complex, you're suggesting I instead appease his fragile ego.

👏

La hulawala walla quwata. May Allaah swt guide you and me. Ameen
I've mentioned over and over you need to get some help so someone can speak to him and you and help you both yet you seem to be stuck on 1 thing and making out I've said things I have not! Islam is perfect Muslims are not, don't sat we don't have rights when we do. If a man is mistreating you maybe call the Muslim marriage helpline or a womens refuge as they would be able to get you real physical help and advice.
I've mentioned you should try and get counselling or that you should talk to him or even write to him if he's not hearing you, I've mentioned having chores for everyone but your picking 1 thing and sticking to it not sure what exactly you're looking for?
Maybe you'd like someone to say you should leave him (sisters above may have said that already) or that he's the worst man in the world Allaahualim I dunno as your situation so you know, Allaahualim. No one is perfect and marriage takes time a lot of time a lot of years to help make it better. Its not Hollywood bellwood. It has taken us years and I've been where you ate with regards to no money and how difficult it was and how awful I felt. Sit down privately and talk to him but you can't tell him something if you don't know how to explain it. He should never be talking down to you infornt of his son and his son should not be disrespectful to you that is up to you to explain to him. Some people never tell others what they like or don't like or why they want x y z they seem to think other people should already know or be psychic.

I'm sorry, are you a man?

A major Islamic right- I don't know if you know this or not OP- for women is that if you work, you are entitled to retain your full income and to decide what to do with it (include choosing to support your family- or saving for yourself, etc). While the husband must use his income to support his family. A husband cannot in Islam make his wife spend her money on anything at all that she doesn't want to.

Your husband is controlling and sounds quite abusive. It is clear that you know this. He's very clearly breaking his Islamic obligations to you in so many ways, not least the income thing.

I think it's time to start just imagining how life could look if you divorced him- where would you live? What benefits could you get? What childcare could you access? Etc. It may be time (or perhaps not yet) to pray istikhara too.

Inshallah your path eases, sister.

He really isn't following any islamic obligations, nor any legal ones, which is standard fare for most men - he's not even her husband, the b*stard hasn't taken the mother of his child as a wife!

Only legal obligations will stick, at any rate.

The law seems to be on OP's side - as well as basic ethics - and that's what she needs to know and explore. This man is a shaite human being, point blank period.

Dear @Ghdppp1 how are you doing? I've been keeping you in my thoughts.

Asalamu Alwaykpum sis. As a fellow divorcee I know how it feela thinking about it and taking the plunge and during the process. It is tough. I was in a physically abusive marriage and after 2 years I snapped and woke up and walked away. I did make aure to use the pill ad his behaviour was bad after 2 months of marriage. I refused to come off until I saw a consistent drastic change and as he didn't it got worse I stayed in the Pill wnd made sure to prepare myself.
It feels pikw the end of the world I know but after some time to heal it will all make sense. After my divorce and things settled I felt freedom and had to learn about myself and made sure to learn from my mistakee my naivety and never repeat things again.

So it seems you have your Mother you can move back in with her and as she is able to provide a little support your can take up some work maybe doing 2 hours daily in.e cleaning work until the kids are in full time nuersey.
I would have been on the pill when I saw the mess he has at home until I witnessed a change no children policy. Go on the pill after you have this child.
I would be making plans to move to your Mothers home. And claim aid from your local authority until your can get back on your feet. This is no marriage sister. This is misery.

justice