Really struggling in a step family set up. Would be grateful go hear from other Muslim step mums

[Ghdppp1]

Assalamualaikum,

I'm not here for judgment, just looking for support.

I'm married to a man who has a 13yo son who is with us FT. For reasons that are not relevant, my SS doesn't go to school at the moment and has been at home since July. He has regular contact with his mum but sees her infrequently and irregularly. She contributes nothing to his life- neither financially or in terms of schooling support or anything else.

My husband financially is of limited means, although I didn't know this before I got married to him. He gave me the impression that he'd be able to support me working infrequently or not working at all, and made no indication that he'd need me to contribute to household expenses if I did choose to work.

I come from an abusive and dysfunctional family, and married only for companionship and to have the family and safety snd security that comes with it, and that I never had when growing up. But 2 years into the marriage and I've never felt more lonely and unsettled in my entire life.

I've been at home all day looking after my 1yo child. I'm also heavily pregnant with my 2nd child. My husband and SS have sports today and left around midday and came back around 3pm. I spent the day cleaning, preparing food, and looking after the baby. When they got back, they prayed together, then ate together infront of the TV while I was putting the baby to sleep. I then came down to heat up my food. Since they were sat in the living room watching the football, I have taken my food and am eating alone upstairs next to the baby. At about 6pm they'll leave again for another sports thing. I'll stay at home to clean, feed the baby, and prepare food the evening when they're back. This has been my life for more than 2 years.

I have less than £10 in my bank account. I look awful. I know noone in this city. I no longer spend on myself. I very rarely go out. I am severely depressed. Had I known this is what marriage would look like, I would have continued working and living alone. This does not feel like my family or my home. I feel like a guest here, or worse, a maid. I have lost myself completely and I'm struggling so much.

My husband and my SS clean rarely clean up after themselves. Dishes, laundry, even the tables they use to eat on in the living room they seldom tidy and clean after using them. I am growing increasingly resentful of them both, but my SS especially who tasks me with preparing food for him, or doing his laundry, or telling him what to study everytime he sees me.

I want so badly to leave but I have no where to go. I have no family and my closest friend is a very fair distance away. I also don't have money, neither do I drive.

I'm just looking for bit of support. Maybe if someone has experienced being a step mum can share their experiences or how they managed family life.

Thank you so much

Asa sis sorry you are going through this. You are amazing coping with a 1 year old and being pregnant. Have you voiced ur concerns with your husband? Does he ever spend time with you and the baby? You must tell him hoe unhappy you are. I am not a step mum but I know this is not normal how your husband is with you. Also your step son should be treating you as a mother not a maid abd your husband is to blame here for not teaching and showing him. Do you ever do things as a family?

Wa Alaykumus Salam,
This sounds hard. The men I know generally help around. It's not fair they to off a whole day for sports whilst you do that.
Have you spoken to your husband about this?

Is this why his first marriage ended?

@Shoestalk we do go out together usually once every couple of weeks for shopping, but I never feel at ease with my SS. He stops me and my husband from walking side by side. He interferes when we try and discuss something like a purchase for the house or the babies. I haven't bought one thing for the baby yet and I'm almost 8 months pregnant because we cannot buy things while he's with us. I'm also not at ease with my husband- I don't feel comfortable telling him what I want in a shop or café or restaurant. I find myself just going with anything they decide. A huge part of the issue is myself. I do not have the confidence nor the ability to communicate what I want, and when I have attempted to, my husband hasn't been the easiest to speak to. He's called me a "modern feminist woman", told me I'm not able to live with a man/husband, that I should take my dignity and go back to living alone.

There are domestic abuse charities that are designed specifically for Muslim women I would contact one of those and talk this through. Telling your 8m pregnant wife that she should go and live alone is awful.

Something is really wrong here. Your husband seems like he's preying on your vulnerability and then using it to keep you from voicing your opinions. He doesn't sound like a good person for u. He should be helping u heal etc from your previous trauma. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you being 8 months pregnant. Please reach out to some kind of helpline or even your GP for mental health support. Is there no friend or family at all? How did u meet this guy? The ss seems very threatened by ur relationship it sounds like you went from one dysfunctional family to another. U hsve to break that cycle for the sake of your own kids...

He is abusing you. He's abused you so much emotionally that you are now a shell and can not see a way out.

Why would they change? In you they have a free maid, someone whose giving him more children without any of the responsibility god has tasked him with. Again this is abuse islamically as well as non islamically.

You have a second child on the way so I think you need to think through a plan- can you stop giving him your income and start saving? Giving you enough for rent etc. Are you legally married in the UK? What are your assests- set up a free initial consultation with a family lawyer who may give you a brief indication of what to expect financially. Start planning.

Seek advice from women aid, likes of karma nirvana etc who specialise in dv from Asian household- see if there's an islamic one.

Start planning- because he will not change. But you have and will continue in this misery until you assert boundaries and he listens or your genuinely better off alone.

He doesn't take my salary. Sorry that wasn't clear. I don't really work much at the moment. I mean before marriage when we discussed finances I understood that he'd be happy to maintain me if I chose not to work (and he'd prefer if I didn't), but would not expect me to contribute to household expenses if I did. I've since realised this isn't the case. He's talking about buying a house together for example, while we are not married legally.

Wasalam, I'm sorry sister, what an awful man and such a difficult situation. You don't have to accept this - if family interventions haven't changed things, then you might want to speak with charities supporting Muslim women and seek advice from a scholar about your options for getting your ducks in a row.

Don't buy a house with him! Never sacrifice your financial security for a man, especially without legal protections in place.

Failing you leaving I think you need to think of a long term plan. You don't have a valid legal marriage is a big problem or may be a blessing saving you from a protracted divorce but finance wise not so good. Do not buy a house with him.
Maybe think what he can be pushed into until you get yourself stable , can you find a job once dc 2 ready to leave and then build up saving. If he won't let you save and takes all your money then leave now, what's the point in staying with him and honestly what is he adding to your life that you can't do yourself. Nothing it seems....

I'm not a muslim, so I hope this isn't intrusive.

The other posters have already given you good advice, but could I suggest you also post maybe in the Feminist board or others? The more women see your post, the more resources they can direct you to.

I must admit I felt very angry reading about what this awful man has subjected you to. I'm so sorry you're going through this 😥

Regardless of religion, this is prime LTB territory!

The FWR boards can be very unpleasant places for Muslim women, so the OP might not get much support there, unfortunately. Absolutely an LTB-consideration scenario, though!

I’m not a Muslim either. But I wonder whether your local mosque has any women’s groups or other support. A little female friendship and kindness would help in the short term and if your husband is observant of his faith, your connection to the Muslim community may help prevent some abuses.

I would hope not, OP is a woman and the way she's being treated is the very definition of misogyny. But I understand how you might feel that way.

I just hope she can find the resources and support, leave this horrible bastard and be able to concentrate on herself and on her children.

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. I'm muslim and married to a great muslim man, a hands on father and an equal partner. To me, its neither here nor there that you're Muslim. It sounds like your husband is just a bit of a prick and you're a vulnerable woman in a bad situation.

I'm not sure what you can do with two young children and no other support. Best to take the advice from others here and seek help from the resources they've pointed out.

One option may be to think about going back to work, once you have some sort of childcare in place. Are you able to work remotely? That can help shave the cost of childcare down. Keep your hand in the labour market because you need to be your own support and safety net, so that you can eventually leave this situation (if that's what you want to do).

Lastly, don't have another child with this man.

It seems like you have your own money but it goes towards household expenses? How much of your salary proportionally do you both pay into household bills?

I'm not Muslim but even as a Hindu, even as someone who works fulltime and takes home 50-70k a year including contract and overtime work I still do almost all the housework. I don't really think you can escape that as a woman in the UK no matter your religion because everyone works such long hours and help is expensive.

I think you need to push for your stepson to go to school. You could ask trusted imams / friends / family members to talk to your husband if you feel he won't listen to you. This can't go on - the poor kid's probably being so controlling because he's lost all control over his life.

@kaela100 I don't do almost all the housework... It's not inevitable. We split responsibilities 50:50 overall - some things I do more, some things DH does more, but it balances out. My MIL wouldn't tolerate him doing less than his fair share, for starters. Different families will have different ways of dividing responsibilities, but that doesn't have to mean one person doing everything at home.

I’m muslim and i’m indonesian. I’m really surprised with this kind of man. Its not muslim thing maybe cultural thing. So patriarchy and prick. Indonesia has the biggest muslim people in the world but we are equal partners.

you are being abused. Stop having child with him. If i were you i would divorce him. Are you from the uk? Or other country? Just go back to your country. Or ask help from government. You can have housing here with 2 kids and being single mum.

i’m so sorry you are really in tough situation.

Are you permitted to work? I apologise - I don't know the answer to this.
If so I'd suggest trying to maintain some level of financial independence as soon as you are able.
I really hope things get better for you.

I am not Muslim but I am a woman and a mother. You are not being treated correctly and your husband is more of the problem than your step son. Please contact the women’s organisations mentioned..you need help and support. Your husband does not sound like a kind loving man. You deserve better. It won’t be easy but you will make a better life for yourself and find people nearby to love and support you. Good luck.

Permitted? How do you mean? She's a full grown human being, how could it be that she wouldn't be permitted to work??

Do you mean, can she work while she's taking care of a 1 year-old baby while very pregnant, doing all the housework and caring for both an useless excuse for a man who's not even married her, and her equally worthless step-son, while having less than ten quid in the bank?

This just sounds more and more like a crime. OP doesn't deserve any of this.

@Ghdppp1 , please reach out to any of the other organisations that PPs have pointed you to, or indeed any feminist organisation. Absolutely no one will judge you, have no fear ❤️

@sillything I mean is her husband permitting her as in is he controlling? Does he believe he can dictate what she can and can't do?
My ex-husband tried everything within his power to stop me from working and give up my career. Fortunately I had the sense not to and thank goodness - I needed that income when. I left him.

Thank you for all your responses. It has helped to read them and hear your views.

I technically am able to work, but arranging childcare is a huge problem. At the moment I rely on my mum (who is elderly and not in the best of health - she suffered a lot at the hands of my father) because my husband doesn't want to contribute to childcare costs. I pay for my mum's travels (she lives in a different city). I work very little and not all year around- the past few months I think it averaged out to 6 hrs a week but it was less than that before the summer. Once I've paid my travel and my mum's travel I don't pocket much. But I really didn't want to give it.

I have been offered remote work in my field which I really don't want to turn down. It's a temporary contract role for 7 hours a week (all remote), but I suspect they'll keep me on for these hours if I accept (I've done similar contract work before I got married and managed to stay with them for 9 years). My mum has agreed to take care of the children while I'm working. Am I crazy go think I can work 1 or 2 weeks after giving birth? I've not told my employers I'm pregnant and don't want to.

Also is anyone else's husband receiving child benefit themselves? I assumed it was for the mother. My husband claims it's only for child-related expenses and since he is responsible for all outgoings, he should be the one receiving it so I don't get it.

Thanks again for your support.

Salam alaykum @Ghdppp1 I’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you and by proxy your children. Writing this out is the first step and inshallah with each step you will become more brave and more confident.

I agree with everyone this really is a LTB territory.

Are you able to get any alone time with your husband to sit and talk? Does he listen or just dismiss you? Can you go stay with your mum before the birth/for the birth for a break? Time for you to start getting your mind in order to leave? This is going to need a radical effort from him for things to change and sadly I don’t think that’ll even cover the issues with your step son.