Child birth without husband present.

[Bishophogp]

Assalamualaikum,

I gave birth to my first child alone. My husband made it clear he didn't want to be present. I'd always thought I'd never want anyone (including my husband) to be present, but when he continued to insistent he didn't think it was right for him to be there with me, it hurt me a little more than I'd expected.

I had a traumatic birth which happened very quickly with 3 failed epidurals and me being rushed into theatre in the end. I think I'd largly blocked it from my memory, but I'm now pregnant with my second, and everything is coming back to me. I was labouring half naked with the door to the corridor wide open and people passing by and looking in. I was then wheeled into theatre half naked with about 15-20 people there (mostly men). I was vomiting and passing out with the pain. I couldn't advocate for myself or communicate what was important to me (modesty, dignity) at these moments. And I've now realised that I actually hold a little resentment and bitterness towards my husband for leaving me in this position.

We have no family nearby, he has a 13 year old son from a previous marriage, and we have a youngh child together. So childcare is going to be impossible this time and we cannot even consider the possibility of him accompanying me this time.

I suppose I'm wondering of fellow Muslim women's experiences with childbirth abd whether their husbands were happy to accompany them through labour. My closest friends both had their husbands with them - one ended up paying to give birth privately so that her husband could be there (alongside her mum).

Many thanks!

The ideal situation would, I suppose, be for you to have a close female friend with you but if that is not possible then make sure you speak to your midwife when you first arrive, before you get to the stage when you can't explain or argue your case. Tell them what happened last time and how it made you feel. Ask them to ensure that your modesty and privacy is preserved if at all possible.

Yes my husband was with me throughout all 3 times. However appreciate with 2 and 3 we were lucky that we had family that could provide childcare when needed otherwise I would have probably had a friend with me in hospital instead of him. Also lucky that I have a close friend who would have been willing and able to do that for me too so I wouldn't need to be alone in any circumstance.

I know my DF wasn't at the births of me or my siblings - my DM says he was up front from before they were married that he wouldn't want to be - but he was with my DM for the labours up until it was time to push. Just not at the actual deliveries (which were all straightforward thankfully).

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about it all. Have you had a birth debrief/birth reflection with the hospital about your first birth? that might help. Also you will have a local maternal mental health service which will offer talking therapy for birth trauma and fear of childbirth if your symptoms are significant - your midwife or GP can refer you to the service.

Is there a friend or another family member who could be with you for the birth even if they couldn't provide childcare? Or if you can afford it, you could look into hiring a local doula for birth support.

Definitely discuss your feelings with your midwife so they can record that you will be alone in advance and can support you effectively.

My DH did accompany me with all three of my labour's and stayed throughout. Alhamdulillah we were lucky that we had family who could look after the other DC for the birth of my second and third.

Did your DH say why he didn't want to be there? I think you need to tell him what you wrote on here. Is it a cultural reason?

I'm not muslim but my DH wasn't present at the birth of either of mine. I also can't imagine how I would have felt to be half naked in that situation either. Do you have a female friend who might come with you? If not could you reach out to the local Muslim community and see if there is someone who would come and advocate for you - insist on modesty and decency? TBH I do feel that women in childbirth are seen as non-human childbearing vessels a lot of the time and their feelings are trampled on roughshod by the medical professionals in the search of the best clinical outcome (for the child).

If none of that will work could you afford a doula?

Might a doula be an option? You could explain what is important to you, and they would advocate for you.

Your wellbeing is their entire focus.

From my personal experience the doctors and midwives were very respectful about my preference of being covered as much as I could. Saying that, I did discuss this prior to the intense labour stage and my DH would also help cover me where he could. Before your next labour try and talk to them if you can and if you are unable to then ask your friend or whoever will be accompanying you to express your wishes.

Look at doula options well in advance and choose someone your comfortable with. Alternatively look at childcare options for your youngest and have that chat with dh of how you'd like him there. What was his reason for not being there? It's quite awful he insisted on not being there ,u need someone to advocate for you at times. I don't blame you for the resentment that would be something I couldn't let go esp if Labour went badly

I am really sorry that you had this experience.

I think it’s really important to have someone present so if anything goes wrong they can advocate for you. Like a previous poster said look into hiring a doula.

In your midwife appointments tell them about how awful your past experience was and how you would like things differently this time.

If your previous birth wasn’t too long ago, you can sit down with a senior midwife and go through what happened in your previous birth and why it happened.

Also ask for counselling to work through what happened previously.

I think you need to speak to your husband about your previous birth and how traumatic it was. Has your husband given you a reason why he doesn’t want to be there? Is he scared of blood? There are things that you can do if he is scared to be in the birthing room.

Sounds like a keeper.

My husband was there, yes.

Had we already had a kid, then i don't know