Did I do the right thing in this scenario?

[samia1986]

Asalaam aleikum dear sisters, InshAllah everyone is well and in good imaan <3

Just wanted to ask for some advice as to whether I did the right thing in quite a sensitive situation which happened recently.

Perhaps I should start by explaining I'm a revert to Islam. I reverted around 15 years ago. Someone who taught me a lot about Islam at the time was a male friend I'd had for several years beforehand. Our friendship was always respectful and he was seemingly very devout in his deen.

Fast forward to around 5 months after my reversion, this friend, lets call him N declared that he was in love with me. I reciprocated although would never have brought up the subject unless he did. Mainly because he was from a very traditional Middle Eastern background where arranged marriage was normal in his culture. He was very well educated and was studying medicine at the time, excellent prospects ahead of him and all that but his parents wants him to have an arranged marriage. This was something he spoke strongly against when with me but the parents put him under huge pressure to end things with me.

We spent over 6 months together romatically... I'm not looking for answers to tell me this is haram, I already know. I was naive and genuinely believed he loved me and would stand up to his parents for me. They lived in his country of origin so he was alone in the UK.

During the 6 months together, I was told daily how much he loved me and wanted to marry me but he refused all suggestions I made about wanting to be introduced to his family. He wouldn't take me to meet them and wouldn't let me speak on the phone to them either. He said he'd initially told them about me but they threatened all kinds of blackmail if he didn't dump me.

So after that, he didn't want them knowing we were still together and talking about marriage. After about 7 or 8 months I'd had enough of his inaction. No signs of any commitment and still every excuse under the sun not to let me have any contact with his family.

With a heavy heart, I ended it. I said I'm Muslim so if we can't be together in a halal way, I think we should split. He left within a word of hesitation or resistance. After graduation, he went back to his country and was engaged to a much younger and uneducated girl within about 3 weeks. I heard this news through a mutual friend. I passed on my best wishes and said hope he'll be happy. That was that.

Then, 6 years later he emailed me out of the blue to say he was returning to the UK on a work trip and would I like to meet him for a meal and a chat. I said no because it would have been completely disrespectul to his wife (as well as to me). I said your days of meeting me in secret are over. He replied that I was right and that he just missed me terribly. I said it's tough, if you wanted to be with me, you had your chances years earlier before accepting an arranged marriage.

So we didn't meet during his trip to the UK.

Then, fast forward to last year.. Our of the blue, he started emailing me again.
I started with like "hey, how are you? long time no hear.." kind of emails.. I didn't answer any of them. They ran into hundreds. Gradually increasing to short essays about how much he still loves me and regrets throwing me away. Regrets his marriage (despite having a few children).

I didn't answer the emails. I had no intention to. Then... Shockingly he paid a tracing agency for my address and started sending actual letters to my home. Again, I ignored. I thought if I ignore he'll get tired and move on.

Having spoken to friends about it, they urged me to respond to him and basically tell him to stop. So I did.

I sent him a very long and scathing email, saying how much he'd hurt me all those years ago because of his cowardice (regarding his parents and not standing up to them). I told him in my reply that he needs to respect his wife instead of chasing some ex girlfriend behind her back and if he'd really that unhappy in his marriage then he needs to do something about it. I told him there would be no more chances with me and that I'll never be available to him again. He had been asking for another chance but I know he'd never have any intention of leaving his arranged marriage. He lives in Canada now, far away from his parents but I don't believe he'd ever disobey them.
I told me I'm really angry and disappointed that he has so little respect for his wife.
Was I too scathing and harsh? I wanted to get across the message that he's never going to have another chance with me.

No you weren’t too harsh but honestly it would have been best if you hadn’t continued to engage with him in the first place. He is quite persistent (and paying someone to track you down isn’t normal). I wonder what he thinks he would actually do if you said yes to him visiting. Best thing is to ignore all future attempts at contact and focus on your own future 🙂

If he continues to message you, having made if clear that you don't want him to communicate with you at all, I would file charges for harassment as it sounds quite menacing.

Who pays an agency to find out someone's address, that sounds very strange. It wouldn't surprise me if he just turned up outside your house, waiting to have a chat?

You sound very wise and you are making the right decisions. He is being very disrespectful to his wife by engaging in conversation with you, particularly romantic conversations.

Everyone makes mistakes in life, so don't beat yourself up about your past. Just pray for forgiveness and move on.

Walaikum asalaam, I agree with the PP who suggested reporting any further contact following your email. May Allah forgive us all and continue to increase you in goodness!

I'm waiting for the two posters whose response to everything on this part of the forum is polygamy. Queue their advice: "consider being taken by him as a 2nd wife, otherwise you are Westernised and actually seek a Christian marriage not an Islamic one and it is his right to harass you incessantly to seek a 2nd wife". 🙃

Walaikum salam, I think you were well within your rights to tell him to leave you alone and to leave no room for misinterpretation in your message. If he persists, report him to the police for harassment, especially if he's tracing your real life address - that's a bit stalkery. I bet his wife knows nothing about this... and he has children as well! Ugh, disgusting for him to be disrespecting you, her and them like this.

In situations like this, it can be easy to be overly self-critical, but please try not to be harsh on yourself. You made some mistakes, but nobody alive today is perfect, and Allah is Most Merciful. It might help you feel better to pray tawbah and ask Allah to help you have the strength to stay away from this and other unsuitable men. It sounds like this man had no intention of a halal relationship and was happy taking advantage of you at a vulnerable time in your life, and he still has no intention of anything halal, relationship-wise.

I would block his email address and anything that comes through the post don't read it just bin it.

It's interesting how common this scenario is, especially among men from the middle east studying here. It's as if without the grounding of their family and culture they just lose the plot. I've twice been asked if I would agree to let a man go through a marriage with someone from their culture to please their family, but also be married to me. Secretly. But I'd be their true love. Really? What makes a man think this would be an attractive proposition? It's thoroughly disrespectful to both women, and just shows the level of deceit they're capable of stooping to. It's all about sex. Fortunately it never went beyond online communication in my cases, and I wasn't emotionally involved so gave the first one short thrift. The second one popped up years later married in Australia but basically asking to meet etc. I told him the same thing you did @samia1986

Fellow sisters, if any man refuses to tell his family about you, run. The sunnah of marriage is that it should be publicly celebrated, not hidden away. If he tells them and they say no and he wants to go ahead anyway, that's another matter. At least you'll know where you stand, and if he is someone who will stand up for you.

@ForPeaceSake , I agree. If a man isn't willing to stand up and fight for you, he's probably only interested in the horizontal bits of a relationship. And the "my wife doesn't understand me" line is so tedious. I had a guy try that. I assured him I understood him completely - and that was why I had no interest in interacting further.