Do I let it go and how?

[Cocobellax]

Me and my husband have been married 5 years now and we have a 3 year old daughter and I’m due anytime with my second. From the start of our marriage it felt amazing, I trusted him completely we never had any issues I never felt insecure etc, we always had an agreement that we wouldn’t talk unnecessarily or friendly to opposite genders as our religion states anyway but obv we had that agreement together discussed prior to marriage from both sides. Anyway fast forward to when my daughter was around 4 months old and he was showing me pics on his phone as he swiped a picture of another woman comes up - I question him he says it’s a colleague and it’s a group chat he’s in with her and another colleague who is male, initially he tried to excuse his behaviour saying he never made the group, and he didn’t ever speak in it, the chat was cleared so Isk if that’s true or not anyway that was that and I left it, after a few weeks I couldn’t help but feel it wasn’t right and I decided to look in his phone eventually I went to his teams work app, and I had found another group chat with the same people, this time on teams obv and not WhatsApp and this one was created by my husband, I also seen that he did talk friendly with his colleagues who r female - banter here and there, nothing dirty or flirting or personal. But anyways after this I confronted him he assured me it wouldn’t happen again. Fast forward to now, he works on an all
Female team, which I don’t feel comfortable with, and anyways a few times I have found convos with these females which he hasn’t
Told me about or that I find too friendly, and even a few with the female he was in the group with. Each time he assures me it wont happen again. Now he has deleted the teams app from his phone and has said that I don’t need to see it, I said your
Trying to hide stuff he said no he just thinks it’s better to have it off and he isn’t going to talk friendly to any girls, I’ve been off with him since he’s deleted it, and he knows that I’m off with him for this reason as he’s mentioned it to me but he isn’t budging. What do I do? How do I let it go and feel peace?

AI answer???

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I think you are majorly over reacting, I understand not being over friendly with the opposite sex but this is a work setting, he works with females he has to get along with them and has to have chats and be friendly with them, it's an impossible thing you are expecting of him, not to join work group chats, not to be on teams, he is promising you things that realistically he can't keep to, the poor man is a work and trying to fit in and be friendly.
Give the poor man a break, if you found him asking to go for a drink or something that's different but you haven't, it's workmates chat that's all.
You are making yourself seem possessive and you don't want that in your relationship, you are having your second child and otherwise seem happy, enjoy your life and your family and stop expecting the impossible, if you husband was flirting with someone in front of you that's a different story, but he's not he is being friendly.
There's an old saying if I'm being accused of something I'm not doing and getting in trouble for it, I may as well do it.
Don't push your husband away.

The problem is that you have already asked your husband to not chat on a personal level with other females, he has ignored you and continued to do this. The first time it was just banter, but now he is hiding something, if it was friendly banter why delete and say you don't need to see?

He has risked your marriage by his behaviour and only you can decide how you want to proceed. But ask yourself, if you were in his shoes and you did something that upset him and meant that you risked losing him, would you continue to do it?

AI answer???

Bowie's all over the boards with this weird shit.

Assalamu alaikum, it sounds like there are a few factors needing considered.

There was an understanding between the two of you prior to marriage about where you both agreed limits should be for your relationship and interactions with others of the opposite sex, and you now consider him to have crossed those agreed boundaries. He could argue along the lines of his phone automatically downloading images from groups (WhatsApp does this, for example), but he has been told that his actions have caused you to feel hurt and uncomfortable, and his response has been to hide things, not to engage in reflection or discussion or to change his behaviour to rebuild trust. Without seeing what he's written, it's difficult to say whether he's crossing limits that other people might have, but if he's crossing agreed boundaries, being secretive and dismissive, and upsetting you, that matters.

Working in a mixed sex environment/workplace does involve interacting with colleagues of the opposite sex, but it's entirely possible to do so in professional and respectful ways that don't involve going behind a spouse's back to set up groups, delete/hide things and share pictures. I work in quite a male-dominated area, so there are times I'm the only female in a meeting or working group - I don't think I or any of the men in those settings have ever felt the need to share pictures of ourselves or be overly familiar, and I would quickly shut down anything inappropriate.

It sounds like the trust between you has been damaged and needs to be repaired. I wonder if an Islamic marriage counselling service could help? Would he be willing to go with you? If not, you could go alone to discuss how you feel and think about what you want to do.

Asalamu Alaikum,

No good Muslim wife should have this level of control over her husbands interactions, the prophet (pbuh) has given the man the authority in the home, and your lack of submission will lead no doubt to tension and even divorce. In other religions the terms and conditions you discussed would be in keeping with the beliefs, for example a friend I have is a Christian, and she said that in the Bible it says to even look at another woman lustfully is adultery in the heart, because they can only have one wife. But in Islam, men have the freedom to have up to four, how do you know what Allah wills for your future, how is he ever supposed to know when you are controlling all his interactions with women. If you want a Christian marriage you should be a Christian. In my marriage I have not laid down ground rules because I do not know what the future will bring. As a woman, no you should not have these interactions with men, but what you are asking him is not true Islam, he has done nothing wrong, and if he wanted to respectfully approach another woman with a view to getting to know her better, you have to trust it is between him and Allah how he handles this

I think you’re being very unreasonable personally. It’s a work group chat, nothing inappropriate.

I think you are being unreasonable as you signed up for Muslim marriage. He is a man and can interact with women, it doesn’t sound like there has been any wrongdoing, but as another poster above said, your terms and conditions for marriage are not Islamic. As a woman you should not be interacting with other men, but as a man he is free to within reason. As long as there is nothing sexual before marriage he is not sinning, but he can get to know other women. It may be that Allah wills it

I can’t honestly believe I’m reading this. Is it a joke?

This thread is really westernised, no, this is not a joke, but it is a joke that many women here call themselves muslim but want the Christian weatern ideal for marriage

@Zaggy1 but he's causing his wife distress and not respecting her concerns or feelings.

I understand that, but we are on Muslim thread, and some things are hard to bear, but if they are ordained by Allah, we cannot dominate our husbands and tell them they must obey us instead.

There's a difference between demanding compliance and not being walked all over. If the OP feels there is an issue with communication or respect in her marriage, she has a right to raise her concerns - she's his wife, not a doormat. Discussing concerns is important for a healthy relationship in many cases, and if her husband may be having issues with lowering his gaze or respecting his wife, he needs to be aware so he can address the issues. Spouses are meant to support and respect each other.

My Christian friends would agree with you, and would have a theological basis to back that up. In Islam the rules are different, and we well know that, and it is an individuals choice to engage in Islamic marriage, and all that comes with it. It is sometimes a hard path

Is this something you're struggling with? Because you don't have to accept a situation if you're unhappy with it, and of course you can express your views in a marriage. The dynamic doesn't have to be - and shouldn't be! - one in which you have to suffer unhappiness without being able to have others consider your wants and needs.

No, I’m very happy, but as a Muslim I seek a Muslim marriage and don’t apply western or Christian ideals to it- thank you for asking though

My husband is an imam and he doesn't think its OK to talk in such a manner (banter etc) with a non mahram female. If he was interested in marriage he should make it clear that he is and approach through a third party to first even find out if she is interested in the same. What he is doing is opening the doors of fitna and as someone who says they follow Islamic ideals only, how can you endorse such behaviour?

If you are really interested in marriage, you seek out the wali and take it from there. However in the above scenario it is highly unlikely that a) he is conversing with the hopes she will agree to be his second wife and b) that she even has any inclination to be his second wife.

What has @Scirocco said that is contrary to an Islamic marriage? I think you have your own rigid interpretation of what constitutes as the correct way for a wife to behave, but it doesn't mean it's right. I don't know a man who is more God fearing than my own husband. He treats me with dignity and respect and that includes listening to any concerns and/or objections that I have. Sometimes I compromise and sometimes he does, that doesn't make him any less of a Muslim man or me any less of a woman.

Allah commands us (both men and women) to not even go close to zina. That includes zina of the eyes and the tongue. The OP is right to caution her husband in what could be a slippery slope for her husband aswell as a point of contention in her marriage