Are my expectations of my husband/home life unreasonable?

[Musmn254]

I'd be grateful for thoughts on this issue from Muslim mumsnetters only, and even more grateful if those who are not Muslim refrain from commenting.

My father was abusive towards my mother and me and my siblings. As such, I did not grow up knowing what a normal or healthy relationship looks like. I rushed into a marriage because (a) I was getting old (b) the situation with my parents was becoming unbearable (c) I wanted a chance at motherhood and a normal, drama-free family life.

My husband is a very observant Muslim, and a consciousness father. But I don't think he's a good husband. He pays all the bills, rent, groceries. I don't work, and (after many arguments) he sends me small stipend every month (which barely covers my costs but more on that later). He wants me to stay at home, and I was in theory happy with this.

So the issues are as follows:

1. He makes very little time for me, since the begining of the marriage. No honeymoon, no date nights. He stays up by himself most nights and comes to bed after I've fallen asleep. We very seldom leave the house together unless it's for grocery shopping sometimes, or if we're visiting family.
2. He is tight with money. I was used to a certain standard of food and dress which I have given up entirely. I was also used to eating out occasionally but at good places, studying in cafés, taking the train to visit friends, visiting museums etc. We don't do any of that. He also expects me to pay for stuff for the house from the little stipend he give me. He refuses to tell me how much he earns.
3. He needs to have the final say about everything- he thinks this makes him a man. He once refused to pay £4 for some ground coffee just because he could. He didn’t allow me to furnish the house when I moved in. In fact I threw away rugs and tables I had bought specially after he did not want to have them in the house.
4. He's very messy and doesn't do much around the house- but will deny this fervently. His office is a tip. I do 99% of childcare duties. He's never prepared food for the babies or put them to bed. He changes nappies and washes bottles if I ask him.
5. He's very disorganised and as a result we have a very chaotic home life- something I'm not used to. Appointments are missed, he doesn’t stay on top of admin.
6. He has a bad temper, and something small can set it off. He is adamant this is part of being a man.
7. I feel he has little respect for me and my views and opinions. I never felt he was happy of proud of my academic achievements or career- in fact I feel he is threatened by this.
8. He does not encourage me in my pursuits. I moved to a new city to marry him and gave up lots of hobbies and interests. My life here feels empty, poor, and isolated. I've told him this numerous times but he doesn’t seem concerned or willing to help change things for me.

Am I being unreasonable in my expectations of him? Am I being ungrateful and perhaps impatient while the children are young?

Thank you

I already apologised for offending her as different things can work for different people. From a practical viewpoint and the example of the prophet it is a solution, but maybe not the one she wants right now.

That doesn’t excuse sneering hatred to the idea of another wife, which is a part of our faith!!

I grew up with 3 wives all in the same home, and the burden was lifted for them all in so many ways. Thankfully they got on, and I am actually emotionally closer to one of my ‘mothers’ that to my natural mother, and she has the tightest relationship with another mother’s son, we are a unit. My dad struggled with organisation and being miserly himself, but with 3 to keep him in line he was outnumbered. I am just offering a different perspective and hopefully you will understand my position a bit better.

@Zaggy1

I am responding against my better judgement.

Your response utterly defies logic. This is not about being "Westernised" or having "disgust at some practices of Islam". You should check yourself (and fear Allah) before accusing me of the latter in particular- what other practices are being discussed here besides polygamy? This is about logic.

How will sharing an inattentive, miserly husband with little time, with another woman solve my issues? Your suggestion defies logic. It's actually insane.

Forget the Sunnah of the Prophet with regards to his supporting his wives at home, his good treatment of them, his generosity, gentleness, patience, his understanding of the female psyche. Forget all of that and just repeat the mantra: men have a right to 4 wives. You are mentally disturbed. There's no other way of understanding your response to my OP, and subsequent accusations of being Westernised.

And finally, you write:

A Muslim man may take up to 4 wives, whether you made him sign a piece of paper or not, it would not be sinful for him to do so.

This "piece of paper" you speak of so disparagingly is the basis of the Islamic marriage- the Nikah- which is a written contract. It is (Shariah) legally binding, and protects both parties in the marriage. With this "piece of paper" I have the Islamic right to leave the marriage on my own terms and with my financial rights settled in full (unlike with a khulah). If you really understood Islamic marriage, and how much, at least theoretically, women's rights are protected in Islamic marriage, you'd understand the significance of this so called piece of paper.

Of course she can leave, I never said she couldn’t, just that she cannot prevent him from remarriage, but can of course leave if he chooses to do so. If he chooses to do so, it is not a sin.

As for the other marital issues, all can be resolved through counselling, he clearly needs to pull his weight, be more organised and be more open to things like her working etc, but I imagine she knew these things about him before she married, like that he didn’t want her to work for example?

He is a bit miserly (according to her) but works, puts food on the table, supports her financially and even does some chores in the home. She can either dial down her expectations (he is not beating her or neglecting her and the children or leading them into poverty) or she can get counselling, go to a trusted male relative for a Frank discussion

Nikah is kind of necessary. Referring to it as just "a piece of paper" dismisses the importance of it in making a relationship halal and protecting the rights of people in that relationship.

@Zaggy1 you've posted on a few threads now, expressing views about men taking multiple wives and how you feel women can't object to this if they don't want it - are you struggling with anything in relation to that yourself? If you want to talk about any situation you're in, it might help to start a thread to talk about it.

you should ask us, the Christians lady. Your husband is not good to you and there are many christian women in that situation also. You should be allowed some fun money and some nicer clothes

I am Christian and never had nor will have shared bank account with my husband but the minute he met me, he would pay for everything and provide me with all I fancy also. I love coffee shops, museums, nice clothes ...even now when nice clothes all look like a bag on me, I keep buying tons of comfy ones. I restarted work only few years ago. He is not even interested what I do with my own money.

any advice? Divorce. You have been to uni, time to excel in your chosen field. Not sure who will look after the kids while you do this ...wishing you a happier life

My character is very feisty though LOL. I cannot accept a shite attitude, overpowering and any form of superiority and always have fought at the slightest sign of anything possible like that. My husband is not abusive but worried what might happen if you start taking a stand for yourself

No thank you, I’m fine- I think it is important to evaluate marriage from an Islamic viewpoint, if you are a Muslim. I’m very happy in mine, I don’t believe in exerting control over my husband, neither do I expect him to be perfect, I signed up to Islamic marriage so I also don’t aim for western or Christian ideals in my marriage, because otherwise I may as well be Christian who have the strictest form of monogamy, or an atheist westerner where various marital ideas are at play. Being a Muslim means I already know where to turn with any thoughts I have on my marriage, and if I realise I’m operating from a place of just my own feelings, or Christian, or western ideals, then I know I am failing as a Muslim wife

I'm sure there are as many ways of interpreting Islam as there are ways of interpreting Christianity. It's not particularly helpful to generalise about either.

OP, I do hope you contact one or both of the organisations I suggested.

Take care and tread carefully.

If you're happy with your life and marriage, that's good - the OP isn't happy with hers at the moment, though, which is why she's asked for help. And simply 'putting up with it' isn't going to lead to changes, nor will it help either the OP or her husband strengthen their relationships with each other or with their faith.

I gave a lot more suggestions than just putting up with it.

islam and Christianity both have extremely clear marriage guidance and boundaries. Saying there are different interpretations is ignorant, they both have a lot to say on marriage

I think there are a lot of different interpretations, but I wouldn't rush to accuse people of ignorance simply for having a different interpretation or opinion. There are different schools of thought in Islam and in Christianity (and in other faiths) about many aspects of this life and the next.

I don't like being called "ignorant" but I'm not going to rise to the bait.