Are my expectations of my husband/home life unreasonable?

[Musmn254]

I'd be grateful for thoughts on this issue from Muslim mumsnetters only, and even more grateful if those who are not Muslim refrain from commenting.

My father was abusive towards my mother and me and my siblings. As such, I did not grow up knowing what a normal or healthy relationship looks like. I rushed into a marriage because (a) I was getting old (b) the situation with my parents was becoming unbearable (c) I wanted a chance at motherhood and a normal, drama-free family life.

My husband is a very observant Muslim, and a consciousness father. But I don't think he's a good husband. He pays all the bills, rent, groceries. I don't work, and (after many arguments) he sends me small stipend every month (which barely covers my costs but more on that later). He wants me to stay at home, and I was in theory happy with this.

So the issues are as follows:

1. He makes very little time for me, since the begining of the marriage. No honeymoon, no date nights. He stays up by himself most nights and comes to bed after I've fallen asleep. We very seldom leave the house together unless it's for grocery shopping sometimes, or if we're visiting family.
2. He is tight with money. I was used to a certain standard of food and dress which I have given up entirely. I was also used to eating out occasionally but at good places, studying in cafés, taking the train to visit friends, visiting museums etc. We don't do any of that. He also expects me to pay for stuff for the house from the little stipend he give me. He refuses to tell me how much he earns.
3. He needs to have the final say about everything- he thinks this makes him a man. He once refused to pay £4 for some ground coffee just because he could. He didn’t allow me to furnish the house when I moved in. In fact I threw away rugs and tables I had bought specially after he did not want to have them in the house.
4. He's very messy and doesn't do much around the house- but will deny this fervently. His office is a tip. I do 99% of childcare duties. He's never prepared food for the babies or put them to bed. He changes nappies and washes bottles if I ask him.
5. He's very disorganised and as a result we have a very chaotic home life- something I'm not used to. Appointments are missed, he doesn’t stay on top of admin.
6. He has a bad temper, and something small can set it off. He is adamant this is part of being a man.
7. I feel he has little respect for me and my views and opinions. I never felt he was happy of proud of my academic achievements or career- in fact I feel he is threatened by this.
8. He does not encourage me in my pursuits. I moved to a new city to marry him and gave up lots of hobbies and interests. My life here feels empty, poor, and isolated. I've told him this numerous times but he doesn’t seem concerned or willing to help change things for me.

Am I being unreasonable in my expectations of him? Am I being ungrateful and perhaps impatient while the children are young?

Thank you

No you are not being unreasonable at all. As you've said, you grew up with an unhealthy home life and unfortunately your marriage is also unhealthy.

Does he know you are unhappy? Are you able to talk to him about how you are feeling? Or would he get angry? He does seem very controlling. There maybe some cultural aspects to his behaviour. Not doing much housework is very common in all men, but the other things not so much. Would he allow you to work, this would give you some financial freedom at least.

Asalamualaykum, that sounds quite tough.
How long have you been married for? Was he always like this or has it become worse over time?

Have you tried to discuss the points with him that you mentioned above? I don't think you are being unreasonable at all sister. Especially not about the getting angry and temper issue and everything else too.

Assalamu alaikum sister, I'm sorry, but what he's doing seems so far from the examples set for Muslim men...

Spouses should make time for each other. The Prophet (peace be upon him) made time for all his wives. Your husband should make time for quality time with you. It can be hard when busy with life but it's still important to spend time together, whether that's going to bed, going on dates, even just grabbing a quick coffee together.

Miserliness is un-Islamic and very unattractive. More than that, what you're describing sounds financially controlling - do you think he's financially abusive?

Needing to have the final say about everything is the mark of a small spoiled child, not a practising Muslim man. He needs to grow the heck up and recognise that marriage should be a partnership. That partnership needs to include respecting you, supporting you in your own career and interests, and sharing parenting responsibilities. There may be areas where one spouse takes a lead due to experience or aptitude, but things should be equal overall.

Some people are more organised than others, but there's a basic standard that's required as part of 'adulting'. Sounds like he's not really achieving that.

Having a bad temper is the exact opposite of the example set to us by The Prophet (peace be upon him). Emotional regulation is important and your husband needs to develop this.

Do you have any family/in-laws to whom he'd listen? Or are there any scholars with whom he'd speak? It sounds like there are a lot of issues, so if you and he want to work on improving your relationship then you might want to do some work with a Muslim marriage counsellor? If he doesn't want to do that, then it could be worth speaking with a scholar and counsellor yourself to decide what you want to do.

Why is he hiding his income? Is he perhaps not earning enough that is causing him to be tight fisted?
Sorry so many questions but I find it really unusual that he is not telling you how much he earns.

No, this sounds like a grim way to live, I'm so sorry. My husband is nothing like that (and neither was/is my DF).

No, this sounds utterly miserable for you. And not giving you enough money is awful. I would be seeking a divorce personally

I think alot of this can stem from the financials. There are other things at play here ( his temper and other characteristics that you don't like, all sounds very toxic ) but if you want this to work you've let yourself become this person that has no say in the marriage , the more you let it go the more power he takes from you on the things that are your right.

So...my advice -get a job. I know its seems as his duty to be the provider for the family but he will be feeling the pressure of this and this seems to be the crux of all your issues. He will not like this from sounds of it but you need to do this even if it's part time and put the kids in childcare for a short while. This will help with those spending/ money issues and forced him to help out on a more even keel with the home/ children. He will eventually understand this is your stand and accept it. If he doesn't then consider your options because it all sounds quite toxic for you and dc will pick up on this

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/43166/how-to-treat-your-wife-in-islam

Can you maybe ask a relative of yours to talk to him if he won't listen to you?

It can be very difficult especially when the children are very young. I would be careful not to jump the gun.

I would say to make a lot of dua maybe see if you can have someone talk to him or listen to some talks together.
Or write him a letter explaining how you feel. Instead of using you do x, y, z statements as those apparently make people feel defensive use I feel like.... unloved or I feel like we are not partner's or I feel unheard or like my opinion doesn't matter etc it will change it takes time. What you describe sounds a lot like the first few years of my marriage minus the angry bit.

Talking and letting him know how I felt also helped change things as he's definitely not psychic! Its not perfect never will be but always make dua.
Made a lot of dua and did a lot of reading about spouses and their responsibilities to each other and their rights. Maybe get the books winning the heart of your husband and winning the heart of your wife.

We both come from families were parents were divorced so didn't really have role models of a loving couple. Basically have to work at and learn about how the Propehet peace be upon him was with his wives and how they were with him.

Maybe start listening to the seerah when your husband is around too or ask him to read it to everyone every evening.

https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9781874263210/winning-the-heart-of-your-wife/used?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8-fu-eH7iAMV549QBh0dhgHWEAQYASABEgKe0_D_BwE

https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9781874263418/winning-the-heart-of-your-husband/used?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8-fu-eH7iAMV549QBh0dhgHWEAQYAyABEgKck_D_BwE

Don't use western standards for how you think marriage or a spouse should be. Use the Islamic given rights for each spouse and responsibility of each spouse as your main framework.

I fail to see how the religious affiliation of your husband is in any way relevant to his financial meanness, bad temper, messiness, or total lack of interest in, or respect for you.

Salaams, as some others have said, get a job for your own money but also your sanity and independence from him and the physical confines of your home. You are probabaly also feeling low because you are isolated at home - I hear what you are saying about you husband but you are not utterly and complelty dependent on him for your total happiness - get out the house, build up a new network of people, and use this to get yourself back. I don't know what religion parts you husband is operating from, he is not caring towards you, and sounds disrespectful. How old are your children and do you have any siblings you are still in touch with. Thinking of you xxx

Asalamualaykum, Your husband works, and you care for the home, and it may not be the life you truly wanted or envisioned. Would he not allow you to do some work even if it is from home? As long as he is providing he doesn’t have to share the financial situation with you. Have you suggested any other ways to make intimacy grow, are you making efforts in that regard? Perhaps a second wife would ease the burden in the home if you would be open to doing so. Maybe you could negotiate that in return for a higher allowance. Alhamdulillah

Please explain how a second wife would ease the burden. Are you living in the real world/in the UK where houses are rabbit hutches, or has the red pill you've taken distorted your reality?

Alhamdulillah I stipulated in my marriage contract that my husband is not permitted to take a 2ns wife while married to me. A shred of my self-respect and sanity remains.

Thank you for all the other responses.

I don’t understand why you are acting like this with Halima? Her suggestions are Islamic but you seem scornful of that way of life? Are you a practising Muslim? I don’t know what you mean about rabbit hutches and red pills, you will have to explain.

As for the suggestion, you are overburdened with a lot to do at home. Maybe a second wife could help you with the home, and maybe your husband would be happier also. Maybe you would feel you can on some level pursue work that you and your husband are both happy with.

why are you talking about having shreds of dignity etc, honestly your post sounds so westernised you might be better posting to another thread where there will be no support for Muslim ways of marriage.

Couldn't agree more @Musmn254
I'm so sorry you had to read something so nonsensical.
I hope you gained something useful from all the other replies xx

My husband can barely covers my own living expenses. Can you explain how he will financially support a 2nd wife? Where she will live? Or does his rights over her trump her rights over him?

It's incredibly telling how quickly you are jumping on the 2nd wife bandwagon and failing to consider other more reasonable and appropriate solutions to my issues. Getting a cleaner for example, a baby sitter, him seeing the honour in maintaining me in the way I was accustomed to before marriage (which has its basis in Islam- not the "West").

The only ones delusional are you guys suggesting that sharing my husband with another woman will solve my martial issues. SubhanAllah.

It's been said that only the very good and the very bad practice polygamy. What a delusional bunch of red pillers hiding behind the guise of a pure and "Western free" Islam. I'm not entertaining you further.

You have a lot of disgust towards some practices of Islam, which sadly a lot of Muslim women do. I did not mean to offend you or suggest something that would be repellent to you, it is common practice in my family and the wives help each other with all sorts, and it eases the burdens. I am sorry that you were offended. I think with finances you need to speak to a trusted male family member and request that he ask for openess with finances and for you to be kept in the manner you were accustomed to. You don’t know yet whether he is unable to sustain you or if he is being miserly.

Surely one of the first considerations for considering whether a second (or subsequent) spouse might be feasible should be whether someone can treat their existing spouse in a respectful and appropriate way?

Bringing more people in to an unstable dynamic isn't likely to be a good solution. The OP's husband probably needs to work on his own deen and conduct first, before he risks ending up with no wives.

Sometimes it motivates a man towards being a better husband, no husband (or wife) is perfect, and it is a leap to suggest that he is unworthy. She has a roof over her head and food on the table. He needs some engagement from a supportive male family member regarding the work situation/ how tight he is with money.

I advise you to contact the Muslim Women's Network helpline: https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/mwn-helpline
and/or the Nour helpline (they also support mainly Muslim women): https://www.nour-dv.org.uk

I am not Muslim but I understand and respect cultural differences. I think his behaviour is abusive whichever lens you view it through. It's financial and emotional abuse. And hopefully the organisations I've mentioned will help you to understand what is and isn't abuse in the context of your religion and culture.

whether you want to aknoweldge it or not, you come across prideful and not submitting the ways of Allah in this situation. A husband will pick up on disrespect which is something you have to work on, as much as he has things he needs to work on. A Muslim man may take up to 4 wives, whether you made him sign a piece of paper or not, it would not be sinful for him to do so, and there are multiple benefits to this system that would help to tackle some of the issues you are facing. At the moment you are limping along. I’m not saying this is the right suggestion for you, just asking that you don’t disrespect important parts of our faith and things that work for many people, that are ordained by Allah, because you have a more westernised view. You can’t show disgust and talk about having self esteem regarding a second wife, when it is a part of our religion.

@Zaggy1, you come across as a real creep.

Im living out my faith. My request is that if some aspects of that are not appealing to you, that you do not sneer at them the way a non Muslim would.

Well, why not live them out in total silence, without giving someone struggling with a dreadful marriage incredibly poor advice on the internet?