End of marriage

[Mummaoftwoo]

Hello ladies, I hope you’re all well.

so after 17 years together my marriage has come to an end. After finding out he slept with a sex worker and has given me chlamydia and gonorrreah. I’ve asked him to leave his not. His just going to make my life hell.

I just can’t process it. I’m angry sad and all the emotions. His claim is he went for massage and she gave him a bj and that’s all he said until I said the docs told me you can’t get it just from a bj then he said he had sex with her.

I just kept thinking where did it all go wrong honestly we was doing so well, we just come back from a Dubai holiday. me and him atleast sleep together 3/4 times a week.

im a bengali Muslim. I just need advice to navigate.

financially i will be ok i work and have my own home. ( I literally helped this guy at his lowest and his at his highest now both business doing so well and he does this)

I have a 12 and 5 year old. 💔

P.s he swore and is adamant it’s the first time and hasn’t done it before or any other girls. I just don’t believe this liar.

Why would it even matter if it was true?

He's already lied to you, cheated on you, given you two STDs, then lied to you again.

Anything he says or does now is irrelevant. Have some self respect and divorce him.

He clearly has no respect for family, or for you, or for women in general given he's had sex with a sex worker. Then not even had the decency to tell the truth about it.

This man is a scumbag.

It's great that you're fine financially independent. See a family law solicitor and put steps in place to begin the divorce proceedings.

Speak to your imam or get a male relative to speak to your local imam, he will guide you on your next steps to ending the nikah.
See a family law solicitor and get things rolling for a divorce.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I read your previous thread when you were asking peoples advice on this, no way would I have thought your husband was a Muslim man. It’s going to be a very rough next few weeks or months but you have to be strong. Thankfully you are financially stable which will make things that little bit easier for you. What he has done is unforgivable and the lies just make it even worse, he needs to be out of your life. Can I ask do you have a legal marriage or just an Islamic marriage? If it’s just an Islamic marriage then get yourself to the local mosque and start the divorce proceedings, and focus on yourself and your children.
This man sounds as if he will make your life hell, but that will pass, always take the high road and don’t fall for his nonsense.
I have a friend whose ex husband was Bengali, they have 2 kids and he gave her a std, it was a shock to her and she couldn’t believe is was on him. She took him back and he repeatedly cheated. Finally took about a year of divorce and court cases and she was free of him. Now she’s married to an amazing man who’s a great step father to her kids.
Your life won’t end after you get rid of him hun. 💐💐

Awh thank you so much for your kind words.

we are just married in the eyes of Islam not the uk law.

I’ve always been like such a selfless person and I know this will hurt my mum and my mother in law. They are like best friends and our families are so close. But I know once a cheat always a cheat. I need to get the ball rolling.

I just feel so weak right now. We had a death in the family on Monday and I found out about STD on Tuesday.

I know his going to make my life hell. But all that is worth being free of him.

It should all be very simple then, you won't need a solicitor except if he is difficult about selling or buying your out of any jointly owned assets. He has no legal claim on your solely owned assets and pension and you can leave him very easily. Ensure your money/ savings are in a separate bank account in your name only and that your salary is paid into an account in your name only from now on, if it isn't already.

Do you own the house you live in or does he, or own it jointly, or do you rent it?

From what you've said you can easily leave him very easily which is great, so do it without further delay. Ensure you have copies of all financial documents and possession of your children's passports and your own.

Deal with the religious aspect later, after you've dealt with these urgent issues as it doesn't impact the urgent matters in any way. In UK law there is no marriage so separation will be very simple and not require involvement of a court or solicitor so you can begin a new life away from this horrible man.

Are you getting medical help for the STDs he has given to you?

Assalamu alaikum sister, I'm so sorry - what a scumbag.

Would he give talaq, do you think, or do you think you'll need khula? Either way, the starting point will be to speak with your local mosque. You could ask to speak with an Alimah, who insha'Allah can guide you through the process.

Have you got treatment started for the STIs? While it's a horrible thing to be going through, Alhamdulillah they are usually quite treatable so with the right medication hopefully you'll have a quick recovery.

All the usual advice about getting your ducks in a row is still valid - think about all the things you'll need to do to get rid of him, and do it in a planned, effective way that protects your rights and your children.

We're here for you, sister.

@Mummaoftwoo what a horrible man! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have already been given really good advice, I was just wondering if you have support in real life with friends and family. I know in some cultures that divorce is really frowned upon, even when one side has suffered tremendous injustice but I hope that your family will be supportive of your decision.

Get your ducks in order financially and I would say get proper financial advice of what you are entitled to as you are not married according to UK law.. Although you may be close with his mum or family, from what I have seen generally the man's family always back him up so be cautious with how much you share in regards to future plans.

I agree 100% with Scirocco.

You will be well cared for and be given good advice, at your mosque.

I'm glad you came back, I was wondering about you after your previous thread.

I wish you good fortune and peace, Mummao. Both are achievable.

I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now I’m so sorry, first a death and now this 😞. Yes like you said all this hardship will be worth it to get rid of him! Honestly you will look back at this time in the next 2/3yrs and you will think thank god!

i know in the Asian culture family is a big deal but you have to not even think about your mom and in laws right now. It’s about you and the kids. Prepare for his mom and family to go against you because they will but that really isn’t important.

you can speak to the imam at the mosque directly you don’t need to go through an alima or a woman. the imams deal with females in regards to matrimony all the time. I don’t think this man will give you a divorce so you should start the process of khula immediately as it may take a couple of months of mediation if your husband causes a big fuss.

How are your kids taking this, have you informed them?
so sorry hun 💐💐

I should add that ofcourse, you don't have to prove his infidelity to anyone (family, in-laws etc) but I know how quickly the blame can be turned around so any evidence you have, you should keep just incase.

Salam sister, I think il need kula, I asked him to leave he said no. The house is mine and I have my own money. I am on medication for the sti. I’m so embarrassed I can’t believe this is my life. Do you know if my salah is still accepted with two STD. I continually feel dirty, I’ve been showering two times a day.

next step for me is to speak to my family, my parents sisters and brother. Inshallah.

I am so certain that it’s over for me and him. I still have so much love for him, but when I look at him it’s disgusted. I’ve always been a kind person so I can’t just switch off but I will in time.

I keep reminding myself I need to set an example to my daughter that no man should ever treat her like this and if they do, you leave.

allah is the best of all planners 🥹

Awh thank you 🥹 sat here in tears. Wondering where it went wrong. What did I do to deserve this. I always pray if I wrong intentionally or unintentionally then god forgive me and those I hurt to forgive me.

this pain is unbareable. I want to take paracetamol to numb the pain but it doesn’t work 🥹

Thank you lovely, my children are 12 and 5. I have no said anything at all. I don’t know where to start or how to begin.

I am talking to my friend about all this and have seen her today for some moral support. I just need to speak to my family. I know I will feel so much better when I tell my sisters, they are my everything and more.

Aww hun don’t feel embarrassed, it’s him who should be embarrassed. You’ve done nothing wrong!
its great your seeing your friends you really need that support system right now 💖
no one would expect you to turn your feelings off for him just like that, you had a long marriage and 2 kids with this man of course you still love him. But love yourself and your kids more and get him out your life. Your family will rally around you and make this that little bit less hard I hope.
Don’t think that you did something to deserve this or why it happened to you. You sound like a great woman and no one deserves this happening to them regardless of what they have done. See it as a test or maybe even a call to get closer to god. This man does not sound like a godly or a good Muslim and perhaps he was pulling you away from your faith and now it’s time to get back. of course I don’t know your situation I’m just assuming, but I definitely no you did not deserve this.
sending you love and prayers 💐💐

thank you my love.

i know each day will get better for me and I know that once I tell my sisters and family I will be ok.

he comes home every night take his blanket and pillow and sleeps on the sofa. I just have the urge to be violent but I’m not lol like just go away and sleep in the cars you have or go to your mums. I think deep down he knows his mum will not accept the fact.

I know what we all think of Inlaws but I really did get lucky with my Inlaws. Just the husband.

I keep telling myself if he loved me or the kids he wouldn’t have done this. He doesn’t show any remorse or sorry just keeps saying it’s a mistake won’t do it again. I think deep down he thinks I won’t leave.

I have a telephone call with a solicitor today my friend recommended to sort the house out.

and financially il be ok. Just won’t be lavish anymore and 4 holidays a year and that’s fine. At least I’m free of this prick.

@Mummaoftwoo I'm not aware of anything that would suggest your salah wouldn't be accepted. None of this is your fault.

You're doing well, Mummaoftwo, keep it up!

Amazing that’s a first good step getting in touch with solicitors! I really hope it’s a smooth easy process for you hun. Just don’t forget if he tries to worm his way back into your life, he put your life in danger and did not give one hoots about you and your kids!
💐

Just need to keep strong. Remember me in your prayers 🙏

Asalamualykum.

Sorry to hear that awful situation.
Life is test may Allaah swt grant us all guidance and ease our affairs ameen.
Remind him what the punishment of zina is as it seems he has forgotten then ask him to leave you peacefully.
If he doesn't leave peacefully then get some legal advice but be careful sometimes solictors rack up bills and still don't get you any justice. If you have mahrem that can speak to him maybe that could be an option?
Make istikhara too.
Also be sure to make a new will or a will if you don't already have one.

In answr to one fo your comments , YOU did nothing wrong. He did. Not you.

Easier said than done but get your support network right first OP. Start with those who won't try to dissuade you from leaving, your already conflicted and don't need the culture lovers to be givj g you an earful right now- you need to have a clear oath and follow it through for your kids sake. Just remind yourself of the kids everytime someone tries to make you feel like the worst human for ending it or saying 'have sabr' it's total nonsense.

House is in your name so legally your marriage isn't recognised by UK law if it was just a nikkah in the UK ( different rules if it was nikkah abroad its recognised ) so kick his sorry ass out. Get the police and family involved if needed but get him gone.

Documents financial documents, copies of his income statements, investments, pensions, bank accounts. Take details of it all for later cms evidence of income.

And lastly take time to heal. Can not emphasise that enough.