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Muslim Mumsnetters

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How should I behave with my in laws?

16 replies

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:10

So I’m currently resenting life with my in laws. I am Pakistani and live with my in laws. I found some things difficult to begin with such as my MIL would always make a comment when I was going to my parents house, yes I go regularly, but it is my choice and my husband has no issue. Then she also wouldn’t want my husband to go out to eat to watch his weight, which I found unfair as a couple, so we would sneakily do this, I didn’t say anything to my husband at the time but I did feel like she shouldn’t be doing this. She likes to be in charge in the house. She did want me to do cooking too though at the start I didn’t know many dishes, but her and my SIL are picky was I didn’t want to. Anyway she does the cooking in the house. I now also have a child and who she does a lot with. But she was overbearing at the start and because I stood my ground she got offended and upset. She still gets offended if something is said to her, she thinks she has experience, which I agree with but I’m not obligated do to what she wants though I do often times, because in Islam the right to choose what to do is given to parents not grandparents. She is too culturally traditional. Her views are also traditional in terms of housework, despite thinking women should also work. She wants me to do a lot more with my in laws than my family. I stopped working and she keeps advising me to do some work etc, though I do plan on working but from home and I didn’t take much maternity time, I also lost a parent just before going to work so I wanted a break. I just feel life here is without much privacy, though I have had help and at times help I’ve not needed, I do feel like I’ve missed moments in my child’s life because of over involvement. I’ve had a few arguments with her since my son was born, I am able to see when I have been rude (sometimes intended to get the message across though it has strained our relationship, though I think sometimes when people don’t understand nicely you should be more blunt, I do apologise if I have hurt anyone) but she can’t see anything she does at all. She is very caring towards my child but she is easily offended, she wanted to be called 'mama’ as her kids call her that, which makes no sense. Sometimes when she thinks I can’t hear her she will say mama is here etc. she likes to be in control so if he got hurt she’d say give him to me he is okay with me, but then over time he is okay with her the most. She will never tell me to hold him during pictures she’ll always hold him and only say to her kids ‘someone else’ hold him. She didn’t let some of my cousins/relatives hold him. But people SHE is close to she’ll encourage them. She IS biased but she doesn’t see it. I’m not sure my husband entirely does, I think everyone just thinks I’m being extra.

OP posts:
spanieleyes22 · 24/06/2024 01:11

Can you move out with your husband and child.

inneedofaglowup · 24/06/2024 01:14

Unfortunately this behaviour won't change. You need to move out with your husband and child and if she is offended she's just going to have to get her head around the fact it's because she's making life for you miserable.

Incakewetrust · 24/06/2024 01:19

It's time for you and your family to move out of her house.
She won't change so all you can done is create space between you.

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:21

I do plan to move out soon, but I know she won’t see she is wrong only that I am rude. Also eventually she will move in with us, as she is a single parent and my husband is the only son

OP posts:
Incakewetrust · 24/06/2024 01:24

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:21

I do plan to move out soon, but I know she won’t see she is wrong only that I am rude. Also eventually she will move in with us, as she is a single parent and my husband is the only son

Say no to her moving in. You have a voice and you are allowed to make choices for your family.
You don't have to live by tradition if it's harmful for you or your child.

inneedofaglowup · 24/06/2024 01:26

They've never lived a day with their own in laws but expect the world to revolve around them and not let families live happily. You can live with in laws and live peacefully and comfort when they allow space and behave proper. Why do they act like you owe them. I have never understood this.

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:37

Yes she has actually never lived with her in laws. Her husband wasn’t actually that great so i understand why she isn’t with him. She says conflicting things like I don’t mind if you leave alone, she’s not planning to move with us to give us privacy but I think it’s also cos she knows that house isn’t hers, but she also says I can’t stay on my own for too long.

OP posts:
Parkingt111 · 24/06/2024 09:47

She sounds very overbearing and controlling, the mama thing is also abit odd, I haven't heard that before.
I agree with the above posters that the only solution is moving out so you can set clear boundaries. I do understand in the pakistani culture the eldest son is often seen as having the responsibility of living with his parents so I can imagine there might be societal pressure to prevent you both from living alone. I hope things get better

pandasorous · 24/06/2024 13:08

salaams @seemi23 did you agree to live with your ILs before marriage? if yes, then the best course of action is to be patient until you are ready to move out.

this kind of situation is very difficult, especially as she will live with you in the long term. ultimately you are accountable for your actions and she for hers. ultimately we should treat our elders with adaab even if they are being unreasonable. you don't have to do what she says or agree with her, but maintain politeness and be kind to her (I know it's hard).

you need to forgive her in your heart so this situation doesn't make you resentful and unkind. I find if someone is treating me badly, making dua for them and their forgiveness eases my heart.

also maybe she just wants some acknowledgement from you, and some appreciation? I am sure she feels insecure as she knows her days of being a matriarch are over.

Beautifulbythebay · 24/06/2024 13:13

Maybe stop caring if she thinks you are rude... She is trying to belittle you to YOUR dc... This isn't acceptable at all.
Your dh needs to have your back or mil can play house with her own ds.....

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 24/06/2024 18:59

Salaam, you need to have a conversation with your husband and remind him that in Islam, a wife is not expected to live with her in laws she has a right to her own house so if your husband has a problem with it tell him he needs to provide a home for you and your child and he can stay with his mum. I feel his mum won’t change

Chickenuggetsticks · 24/06/2024 19:08

Well it’s good that you are moving out, honestly unless your husband intervenes you may just have to grin and bear it. Look up “grey rock”, see if that helps.

If she comments about you going to see your family just nod and say “ok see you later”. Just don’t respond to it. If she intervenes in your parenting just quietly say “I’m his mum, I’ve decided to do it this way”. On the name thing it won’t matter much what she tries to whisper, just keep referring to her as daddi or whatever title you use, your kid will follow your and your Dh’s lead on this.

Tbh any reference to religion is probably pointless, these are deeply embedded cultural norms.

I do feel for you, my in-laws are fine but I would rather stab myself in the leg than live with them. Also quite traditional and I think I would suffocate.

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 21:57

I agree I should be polite, I used to be the kind of person no matter what is said to me I wouldn’t something to an elder, however I now lose my cool at times, also I knew something like this would be the case cos I knew her before, I just realise it would to this extent. Something changed in me when I became a mother, I just feel like I can’t live life like that, also I don’t agree with these traditional things, which don’t allow room for DIL, don’t consider their feelings. Anyway the thing is I have tried to in the past say things politely or do things my own way. But she becomes insistent which is something I wanted to change. Generally I’m a forgiving person but it’s hard to forgive when you see the other person is oblivious to what they do and but will point out how you are like this and that but not why you have become like that, they continue to do things, and they live with you.

OP posts:
Parkingt111 · 25/06/2024 09:21

@seemi23 i agree to be respectful, kind, understanding etc but as a PP said in Islam the wife has rights and your DH has a responsibility to provide them, aswell as shield and protect you from anything unpleasant that is being directed at you from his family. Being respectful doesn't mean that one has to forgo their own rights.

It's actually more conducive to a healthy relationship between mil and dil, when there are clear boundaries in place. Being patient for so long will eventually make you resentful as it seems to be happening here.
I think you should speak to your husband and explain how things are really tough for you and something needs to change ASAP, before your relationship with your mil deteriorates further.

wayfairer · 29/06/2024 23:42

Maybe an annex or granny flat would work? Your husband needs to sit down and talk to his mother and set some boundaries if your all going tonlove together. Having her there to babysit and help with cooking etc is a great blessing. Maybe she could join some classes quran classes etc and keep busy it might help your relationship.

sal96 · 05/07/2024 22:16

In Islam you’re entitled to your own house. As someone above has said, if she eventually needs to move in with you for cultural reasons that you can’t escape, maybe a granny flat/annex situation needs to be worked out.

With regards to you getting impatient, that’s since you’ve became a mum because we have this undying urge to put our child first, and rightfully so. The mama thing is crossing one hell of a boundary and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband.

I hope the break you get when you move out mends your relationship with her. Rabbi maak.

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