As Salaam Wa Alaykum,
I am 8 months post partum.
I wanted to ask, in Jannah would I be able to ask Allah to grant me the chance to give birth again to my son and experience holding him while remembering it and also reliving the moments after birth while fully taking everything in.
I have loved my baby the whole way through pregnancy, was extremely cautious of eating drinking timely, walking, just loving every kicks and turn inside my tummy, enjoying midwife appointments, scans etc. I was just in loveeee with him and took care of myself the best I ever had in 31 years of my life.
Pregnant was perfect physically Alhamdulillah but mentally and emotionally hard as my husband is someone who doesn't like me letting my feings out anymore or if I show I need more affection etc he thinks I'm going back into depression again. So I a lot of the times kept anxieties within me. Alhamdulillah for my friends and colleagues but sometimes you feel like you want your husband to want you if that makes sense.
Birth as a first time mum was fast. My water broke first and everything followed after. 10 mins later we went hospital I was checked I was 6cm dilated and they could see the head of baby. 3 hours 43 mins is total time water breaking to baby on me.
I was begging for epidural but only gas and air was given they thought I didn't need epidural. On my birth plan I opted for epidural aswell. In my debrief they said they didn't have enough time for it.
What had me struggling post partum was the fact I was so high off gas and air due to such strong and frequent contractions that I could not remember hardly anything of birth. During pushing stage gas and air was taken off me too to help me focus.
I remember actually making a specific dua during time I was conscious for a split second and then I feel like I pushed and everything blacked out. Most of the birth I feel I was blacked out. I didn't even feel ring of fire even though I was concentrating on that that's how bad my pain was. Suddenly my son was placed on me.
I was too drowsy to see my husband cut umbilical cord, can't remember fully when azaan was read in his ear or first breastfeeding moment although I was the one holding him!
Placenta removal was the worse. I genuinely believe the nurse stuck her hand up in my womb 'checking for clots' as she said while they only put me on gas and air. This process I believe is manual removal of placenta which mandates by NHS guidelines spinal block or epidural and to be done in a theatre. I didn't have that. The nurse was horrible. I felt so manhandled that when it came to stitches I was zoned out. I couldnt even ask to hold my baby I felt so numbed mentally. But my debrief the person said no that couldn't have happened etc. In my head I still don't know who to believe. But the lady did cover my lower part of body while doing what she did which makes me think maybe I am right because why would you hide it after everyone seeing my vagina.
Anyway, this whole trauma played heavily on me as I felt as if though I couldn't enjoy my son straight and soon after birth like I wanted.
Not to mention my husband was not very supportive emotionally after giving birth too. It's changed my perspective on him. I am so hurt not just by him but by who ever caused me an ounce of sadness during pregnancy and post partum. I literally feel like I am left begging for breadcrumbs of love from my husband. Even then any moments of kindness and affection from him doesn't make me feel the same anymore. I was a very child like persona girl before this even when it came to the love between us, but it's faded for me.
So, here I am 8 months postpartum and I feel heartbroken thinking of how I wasn't able to fully enjoy moments with my son and many times I've actually broken down when it was just me and him.
Can I ask Allah to allow me to relive moments of giving birth to my son and moments after?
So sorry if it feels daft question, but I'm being so serious