Anyone muslim working mums here? I need your support...

[applesanddessert]

Hello, I am new here.

I wondered if anyone here has prayed Isthikara here, if so how did you find your answer, if you don't mind sharing?

I am unsure on whether to have another child. Part of me is saying if your unsure then stick with the beautiful two you have alhamdulilah but another part of me says we only live once, have the third and see where life takes you.

My worries are not financial or anything materialistic at all, we can provide for 3, have the space and so on. My worries are:

Age: I am 37 husband is 42, the health risks to the baby. I know all babies are a blessing but because I work full time and after a year of mat leave will have to continue so will I be able to give time to extra needs when I'll be spread so thin. I want to be a present mum and am so with the two I have and wasn't a concern with them at all (outside the usual anxieties).

Family Support: We have no family support, mine live so far away and DH's are very busy with their own lives, older and have children in their 20s. Can't really rely on anyone for emergencies, pickup/drop-offs unless they end up in a school with an older cousin (so many schools in this town).

Islam: I live in a very none diverse town, my first child has online Arabic lessons after school and weekends, I feel in more diverse towns where the children can attend a class together the pressure is taken off the parents a little but I am juggling this on top of primary activities, work, toddler, Asian married life and so on. I will do the same for my second but wonder if it would be better for me to teach the two I have, the ways of Islam then again splitting my time across three. My husband is also re-learning himself so I find I support him quite a bit in that area.

I sometimes wonder why my heart yearns for a third when all I prayed for was a girl and a boy in the past and felt complete when my second was born, he was a tough baby. Now he is older I feel a third would make a wonderful sibling dynamic since they don't have a lot of cousins around.

As you can tell I am torn, I have prayed Isthikara but not sure when I will know...

Hi there, I am not sure I am much help to you as I am not a full revert just yet and very new to all this but I do have some experience going from 2 to 3 children and I would say to be very sure that is a journey you want to have. My body, my finances and my mental health have all been massively impacted by me having a third child. She is a blessing of course but it has taken its toll on me.

I will say this; I knew spiritually that I would have another child, it was very much a given and I'm not sure I had much choice in the matter. When I held her for the first time I realised my family was complete and I was so grateful for that. Do you feel your family is complete yet? I think Allah is the best guide for you but I do like to play a little mind game when I can't decide on something.

If I was to tell you, right here and now that you cannot ever have another child, how would you feel? Grateful for your lot and content with your two beautiful children?

Or would you feel like you had been stripped of something, that something had been taken away from you?

I think if you can give yourself that hypothetical ultimatium and see how it feels, you will have your answer either way.

God willing you will have a healthy, beautiful family whichever direction you choose.

@IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour

Thank you.

How did you know you would go for a third, was age on your side?

Did you continue working after your third (if you worked before)?

I do also try and give myself a similar ultimatum but more around which scenario would I prefer, life as a family of 4 or 5. To your question, I would be content with the 2 beautiful children I have, alhamdulilah.

But I have an age gap of 6 years between them and worry once eldest if busy with university my second will feel a bit lonely during the important high school years. Again with barely any family input and a none diverse town I'm already a little worried....

I'm in a non-diverse town too but thank God my daughter goes to a beautiful multi-cultural school which I am so grateful for.

I did carry on working, 6 weeks after she was born actually which was more from necessity than choice. MA wasn't enough for us to survive on so I started doing small shift evening jobs when she was very little.

There is a 5 and 7 year age difference between my youngest and my others so we are slightly similar there. I was 33 when I had my daughter and honestly the difference in what it took from my body was immense. I really say this because it needs to factor into your decision as you will be a few years older than I was when this child is born and honestly, it is very, very different than having a child at a younger age. My body is still not recovered (though covid and other issues have impacted that too). I would imagine it would be easier to take an extended break from work in order to be present for all your children and maybe thats one positive from having another baby? You will be at home for some of the formative years of the older children which is just wonderful.

I think you are thinking about this in a really logical, balanced way. Its not just about the next 3 or 4 years but about how you want your family to look in 10 or 20 years time. Is two children enough for you? Personally I wanted to make my own little tribe so that I could surround myself with people I love and as they get older (my youngest is now 6) I feel that every day.

I suppose the big question for you is will you regret not having another child in future? It doesnt sound to me like you would regret HAVING a child but only you can know if you will regret not taking the last opportunity to have another baby.

Sorry I am probably confusing you more now but in some ways our stories are similar and I hope I can be a bit helpful inshallah.

@IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour

If I was 33 thinking about my third I would do it. I had my son at 33 and felt the same as my daughter six years prior.

I worry more about the health risks my age would perhaps cause the baby which could then take even more time away from my current 2. There may not be regret but definitely mum guilt.

I sometimes think Allah has given you so much, please just be content, maybe I'm just sad my nappy changing days will be no more...I don't know...

How did you manage 3 while working so soon? Do you have family support?

I had my DC at 36 and 37. Alhamdulillah no issues or complications. I sometimes find it strange that we claim to believe in God and that everything is predestined and we then tie ourselves in knots worrying about things! Research suggests the risk of complications is higher in women over 40 or those who have pre-existing health conditions. It seems like you don't fall into either category. So if you can afford it and have the space and you're both wanting another baby, go for it. If it's good for you, it'll happen. If not, it might not! Having said that, someone who has 3 children told me never to have more babies than there were adults to take care of them! I'd have loved a bigger family but I know I wouldn't have been able to cope mentally- the pressures of being a Muslim mum are very real!

Do an istikhara- if it's good for you and your deen (the dua itself), it'll happen.

That is my other worry. The pressures of being a Muslim mum, while also working full-time. Am I better off being the best mum to both or a mediocre mum to 3 although I'd try my hardest and perhaps feel overwhelmed.

Do you work?

We have no support at all, it’s just my husband and I. For a few months we would literally pass on the children when he finished work and I would start it. I’m disabled now so not working at nearly the same intensity but back then it was pretty hardcore. I am so grateful for our third, she is incredible but it really took it out of me:

Do you work?

Alhamdulillah yes. I took three years out for the babies and then went back to work. But, I work in a very family-friendly profession that allows flexible working so I can work around school/nursery/child sickness. We have zero family support locally, it's just us. Justice to existing children far exceeds the need to want more babies in my eyes. Our children are a temporary amanah to us and we're taught to do right by them.

@applesanddessert Asalamualaykum sister. I did istikhara before I got married and it was explained to me that it's just asking Allah for guidance. But its not necessarily you will see a dream or have a clear feeling but just praying you will be guided towards what is best.

I had my third after a 5 year gap. My older two were born quite close together. I always wanted three but after my second I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage and then didn't get pregnant again for awhile. I feel blessedwith the three I have. There has been challenges navigating from two to three. Some unforseen, like health issues.

@applesanddessert I pray Allah guides you to whatever is best for you and your family. We plan but Allah is the best of planners.

@applesanddessert I have a sister in law who is in a similar predicament to you. She also has one boy and one girl.
She doesn't have much immediate family support and her DH is very busy with his work so her main concern is being able to give adequate time and attention to all the children.

I’m not Muslim but am Asian and became a first time Mum at 40 after 10 years of ttc/iv. DS is now 4 and I’m only just ready to begin trying for another.

imo your age shouldn’t be a concern. It’s natural for women to give birth until menopause. And while your family isn’t nearby it seems they are around and so if something were to happen to you I’m sure they’d step in.

What I’d suggest you do is begin preparing to get your health and finances in order. The more prepared you are the better you’ll feel about making a decision. Imo I’m of the opinion that your feelings about wanting a third are god’s way of nudging you to try. If it works, great, if not also great.

What has she decided to do?

And I unfortunately can't take more than a year out.

I think for now they are happy to just leave it at two but she is early thirties so is open to having another one later If they change their minds

I left work altogether to focus on starting a family and was fortunate enough to have stayed at home but by the end of the three years, I was pulling my hair out from the sheer boredom of child rearing!!! Consider your mental health in any decisions you make too.

Thank you everyone.

I love my 2 with all my heart. I want to give them all my time and love. As mentioned finances, space, car, etc all fine for having 3.

It will be hard work with only 1 year of maternity leave.

My biggest driver for having a third is so that they have each other, when DD is busy with uni or even moving on with marriage I worry my son will feel alone, especially since his older cousins will be in their 30s. Because of the age gap between my two he will feel it perhaps for years and I know boys/men are not great at expressing such feeling and I'm willing to put in the hard work for that so they don't feel lonely as the seasons of life are thrown at us. If it's Allahs will for me not to have anymore then I will accept that too.

My concern is more the health risk posed to the baby due to our age which then means my time is really not only divided but taken away from my current 2...

Assalamu alaikum, I had my DC as an 'older' mum (mid-late 30s) and Alhamdulillah I didn't feel it impacted on my recovery from birth or energy levels for parenting. I think it depends partly on how healthy your lifestyle is before and during pregnancy.

Thank you. Was that your first?

My health is fine, my energy levels perhaps won't be because I already have 2...

I've 2 DC but my first is in Jannah, insha'Allah. That wasn't anything to do with being an older mum though. In practical terms, I've only one DC to run around with at the moment, which probably influences energy reserves.

Salaam

If you're still searching for an answer the following video might be beneficial regarding istikharah:

I could have written your post. I have a now middle child who I felt would be alone because of eldest becoming busy with school and then uni.

I went ahead and had a third, alhamdulilah for evry blessing.

But it just been probably the most difficult pregnancy (I just turned 40 when I had third), and I also put on the most persistent weight!!

I felt after two, it just wasn't enough. Like you, I don't have any family willing to be around for pick ups or even just babysitting (but they are more than happy to come round to mine expecting dawaats, another issue)

Three definitely creates a tribe, and alhamdulilah I am so grateful to Allah swt . My second especially has such a strong bond and their face lights up everytime. My family is complete alhamdulilah.

Looking back it had been so hard, third was a difficult baby that wouldn't not settle easy, I had a lot of dark times.

I went back to work after 1 year, still very part time. Don't underestimate the extra amount of work created by a bigger family -more laundry, cooking, cleaning.

Mashallah, glad to hear you went ahead and made it through. How old was your husband if you don't mind me asking? And how old are your 3 kids now?

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

He is only one year older than me, so 42.

Older two were 6 and 12 when my youngest was born.

Husband wasn't fully on board with third, he felt he didn't want to back to nappies and babies etc. But of course I have done the bulk of the baby stage, breastfeeding etc. Youngest is almost 3 and they have a great bond mashallah.