Want to move out

[babymagic2022]

Salaam,

I'm really disheartened because my husband I think is leading me on about moving out of his parents house.

He told me before marriage he would move out. He is the older of two sons and we agreed.

Whatever money we save for a deposit, seems to go instantly. I told him no holidays until we move out, as we need the money for our house and he booked a family holiday behind my back and tried to pass it off saying it was for my birthday.

I never expected to live here for six years. He even applied to the school for our son, that I didn't want, that's a four minute drive from his parents house.

His younger brother recently married and he and his wife stayed for 3 months and they've now moved out into a house that's in my husbands name. They're paying their way which is fine.

We have two children and are both in our 30's. I just find it a bit embarrassing that the couple in their early 20's had the independence to move out before he did.

I feel so stuck. He never mentions moving out until I do. He never bothers to look at houses. He's just so comfortable having his parents pay for the bills and mortgage.

seems like you have two very different expectations. also I see using saves money without your agreement as a sign of his lack of respect for you.

islamically you are entitled to your own private accommodation but saying that to him might not help matters. I would reccommend marriage counselling/ medication by a religous scholar.

unfortunately this kind of behaviour is not uncommon. Once you move in with ILs, getting out can become very difficult. he might also feel a sense of obligation for his parents.

If your husband had a house already, why didn't the two of you move there? Was was his reasoning?

I literally accepted the marriage believing he would move out.

He still insists he will, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are different to what he is saying.

I told him I married the older son for a reason. I gave him a deadline until our daughter turned two, we need to move. Instead, his brother moved the month she turned 2 instead 🤦🏽‍♀️

There’s no point in giving an ultimatum and not seeing it through.

Because it was a rental and my BIL was pushing to move in there, although I explicitly said to my husband, if anyone is to move in that house, it needs to be us.

But since BIL was pushing for it, MIL allowed it and now he's paying rent to her.

@babymagic2022 unfortunately a lot of men make promises they don't keep. I mean he may have wanted to initially but he sounds like a mummy's boy. i am assuming he is south Asian, in which case it is very unlikely he will move out. I've seen this exact scenario played out so many times among friends and relatives.

it all depends on how much you are willing to put your foot down.

He even said he would move to my hometown, but then later said no. It was all his idea and I grew comfortable with it because my kids have nobody here, no neighbourhood children, no cousins nothing. They're all alone and they love it when I go to my mums, as they have cousins there.

It was this reason that prompted him to say he will move to my hometown, but it's very unfair to give someone hope and then take it away.

I am willing to put my foot down to the point I move back to my parents house, unless he moves out.

Yes sorry south Asian. Unsurprisingly.

you are totally justified in being upset. however, I would reccommend seeking counselling/mediation prior to moving back to parents house (that would be the islamic reccommendation). you could also potentially speak to his and your parents. moving back is you technically starting a process of separation that end up going a way which you don't really want.

figures. why am I not surprised. toxic codependent parent child relationships especially mother and son. I find it so creepy.

as you are already married, despite him being unfair, you are still bound by the islamic rules in marriage i.e. seeking mediation before separation.

Salaams, sister, that sounds so frustrating.

Multi-generational living arrangements can work for some people but don't work for others, and it wasn't right for your husband to make assurances that he couldn't keep. What do his parents think of the situation? Do they want him to stay, or would they actually be on board with you all moving into your own place?

Maybe try presenting him with a summary of your reasons why moving into your own place is important - eg, thinking about schools, quality of life for your children, your mental health. You could also ask him to explain his reasons why he hasn't been able to do it yet - what are the barriers and can they be overcome? Sometimes just making someone explain their own thinking on something can be a starting point for them challenging their own viewpoint. Is there a compromise to be had for some of the issues?

If that doesn't work, mediation or counselling could help. I wouldn't rush to move out without him though, unless you're clear in your own mind that you're willing to end the marriage over this.

Thank you for your input. I think I got blinded by how frustrated I was. But I agree it's wise to seek that mediation first.

I still very much want him and want to be with him. I do love him despite everything. But he's being a pain in the backside about this. It's been six years and it's got to stop.

It's very frustrating but I'm definitely not prepared to end the marriage over it. This is the only thing he is lacking in. Other than this, I'm alhamdullilah happy with our relationship

The house is comfortable and large enough. My in laws are decent and pretty much let us do as we please.

They are on board with us moving even. But there is no life here. I feel so sorry for my caged children not having the life they deserve and want. The schools aren't great in the catchment area. In fact, there are none in the catchment area. We're outside all catchments. The nearest ones outside of catchment are not great.

We have just the two children and I want to give them the best we can. Staying here is definitely not the best for them.

I am pretty fond of my in laws and will definitely miss them. They are not the issue. But at the end of it, this house is not ours. Islamically, it needs to be split three ways between my husband and his siblings. This alongside the issue that there is nobody for my kids here.

He needs to get our own place so that our kids have something to fall back on when we're gone and that we actually have somewhere to live once this property gets split.

I want him to stand on his own feet and pay his way, otherwise he is teaching laziness and dependence to our son. Times are changing and we need to realise what his future wife will expect from him. She will want a man, not a man child.

Asalamualaykum sister
Hope you are well, do you know if its financial reasons that he is reluctant to move out? Meaning whether its affordable or then having to change your lifestyle according to the new expenses you will have?
Or is any other reason? It's a tough situation to be in but I would try and get to the root of the issue if possible

Well I think it's because he doesn't want to leave his parents house and because he hopes to inherit their large house. Even though all three siblings have an entitlement to it islamically.

He can sort the finances because his younger brother managed to move out and pays his way so he can too.

I feel like my children are so trapped here, I feel so incredibly sorry for them. Whenever I go to my mums and my son plays with the other children, he cries so much when it's time to come back to nothingness.

This house may be large, but it's an empty shell. I have no attachment to this house because I don't even consider it a home. A home is where you feel happy. How can I feel happy knowing this place is a prison for my kids.

Because there are no children, they are both always after me. I can't always spend time as I'm busy preparing food or involved in other household tasks. So it's not good for my mental health or physical health either. I don't have the time to join a gym because I've always got the kids. The mum guilt I have because I can't dedicate time to them and then being frustrated because I need a break. It's all too much.

I can only truly unwind at my mums where the kids are busy playing nicely with one another and not getting annoyed with me for being unable to entertain them.

The cons outweigh staying in this place.

is it an option for the kids to go to nursery for a few hours a week so you can have some time to yourself? do you work? how old are the children?

from your update it seems like you perhaps need some more social interaction as well?

if not moving out immediately, why not save into a savings account which you can't readily remove money from such as an ISA? you can just give the interest to charity so you are not taking it...

Why do you feel its a prison for your children? Do they have many restrictions there? Someone I know lived with their in laws for awhile and she felt they couldn't be themselves and were constantly looking over their shoulder.
I really do hope things work out for you and you are able to move out inshAllah

My son is four and attends nursery, he's due to go school in September but we are waiting to hear back on a place insha'Allah.

He only goes from 12.30 - 3.30pm. My daughter just turned 2 and I'm not entitled to free nursery childcare because I'm not working.

My in laws both work. Even if my MIL didn't work, I still wouldn't leave the kids, as she has lost each of them once having left them unattended and I know she doesn't like changing poopy nappies because she told me so. I'd be very anxious leaving my daughter with her. She's a whirlwind and MIL would definitely not be able to keep up.

I feel like I'm stuck. Another reason why my husband thought moving back was because I'd be able to get back to work since my own mum is very flexible only works as a carer for my grandma and she is younger than MIL and a lot more careful when it comes to kid safety - she built her radiator cover with rounded edges with the kids safety in mind.

I have a couple of friends here down the road from me. My son even goes nursery with one of them, but he only likes playing with boys. Their sons are babies.

I have my SIL who comes most days as she lives in the same town, she helps a lot and entertains the kids as she has none of her own yet. Grateful for that. They hate it when she leaves.

No restrictions. The kids get away with murder, have a large garden to play in when it's not wet. They have every toy imaginable. But they're not happy and just constantly fight with each other.

At my mums, she has a couple of simple rules for the kids. The garden is very small. She has a toy box full of toys, but of course, the majority of their toys are here. BUT they get engagement and play with other kids. They live very close by, just in the next street. It makes all the difference for them.

However, they much prefer it at my mums, since they have no interest in the toys. They only have interest in engagement, none of that which they get here, because everyone is always busy.

They run a family business so it's a very busy life and work long hours. I'm usually alone with the kids during those long hours unless MIL has stopped working for the day.

I will be honest OP, it seems you want to be close to your mum rather than just move out. neither of which is unreasonable.
however, what you are describing is very normal behaviour for children that age and actually very privileged circumstances where you are able to be a SAHM. also they are definitely not in a prison and seem to have an excellent set up. however I think it is you who feels trapped as you are away from your own social connections.

frankly, it feels more that you are (a) missing your parents house (b) feeling let down as your husband didn't keep his promise. I think marriage counselling will help.

Once your younger child is eligible for nursery, I reccommend you go straight back to work. most likely being home all day alone with the kids is having an impact on your mental health. you need to regain a sense of your own being and not just someone who serves a function in your family. also you can discuss with your partner re hiring a cleaner/housekeeper so it doesn't all fall on you and you have some time to yourself.

Thank you for such a balanced view, that makes sense.

I only started considering the benefits of my mums once he mentioned yes we will move to your hometown. Better schools aswell. There's only one outstanding rated school here and it's well outside catchment. My mum lives opposite a giant grammar school and he's always wanted the kids to go there. But I said it's only worth it if they get their on their own merit - through scholarship.

Prior to him saying we will move to my hometown, I didn't have this desperation to move there.

They have a brilliant set up for sure but just sadly nobody to interact with. None of it is unfortunately appreciated by the kids. Toys may aswell not even be there. Breaks my heart when he says come and play with me, I've nobody to play with. I keep reminding him he has a sister but he wants to play with boys or just adults. Typical.

I just so desperately want my own place and for my kids to have the best. Go to the best schools. We owe it to them.

Now they want to make a will for this house to be in their names. Meaning a split as I always thought would happen. So unless he wants us to be homeless when his parents pass, he needs to start looking for places to live and not places to holiday.

My SIL and BIL despite moving out, still have a fully furnished room here which they keep locked and always go to whenever they're around. Gives the house even more of a communal feel.

OP secondary school is a long way away. I think you are confusing grammar school and private school as well. grammar schools are free, no scholarships needed. have you done any research in the grammar school near your parents house? because there are many grammar schools which are awful. I would reccommend you do some proper research when the time comes as just the ofsted ratings are not enough by any means and for primary I wouldn't sweat it so much. and catchment area etc. is neither here nor there as the grammar school applications work on a totally different basis. I am sure there will be grammar schools in your vicinity. I really think you are overthrowing this. if they put the work in and they are bright, they will go to good schools.

with respect you are having an overly emotional response. lots of kids grow up without siblings.... i was the only child in my massive extended family until i was 8! I mean it's normal for kids to want to play with parents? it's not something to get upset about. respectfully, if you are coming across as OTT and emotionally driven, you are less likely to persuade him/PILs

the inheritance issue is more serious. so that is a good basis for moving out but if he is working in the family business, he would have to stay local.

the only way to solve this properly is talk to each other in the presence of a neutral third party