How to balance art and motherhood?

[HistoryOnyx]

Hello. I've just had baby number three and have finally joined Mumsnet. It's the result of breastfeeding leading to strong black coffee at 2AM.

I started making song demos of variable quality during the lockdown era, and became quite thoroughly hooked. I've toyed with writing and singing and pseudo- intellectual prattle all my life, but something happened after having children that opened a channel (for want of a less grandly spiritual expression) and ideas just arrived and arrived.

Naturally, the little people are my absolute, unwavering priority, and sometimes I have to accept that getting an idea down fairly sketchily is the best I can do.

I'd be interested to hear from anyone else who has found that motherhood heralded a liberation of ideas and artistic energy. Anyone else making music, or writing, or making visual art, and grappling with the fine balance between creative fulfilment and maternal perfectionism? I've really been reborn in motherhood - I cringe a little at the turn of phrase but I have, I think, "found myself". I grapple a bit with anxiety too, and the creative work has been nothing short of a miraculous balm. It seems the difficulty arises in finding the time for art, and shifting focus from beguiling ideas to the practical, lively world of family life.

Or perhaps someone has a bucket of cold water to snap me out of my indulgent bohemian dream, and send me scurrying to get playdough and cupcake decorations, which are more fitting creative endeavours for a mum...

Hey

I think it's fantastic that your creativity is flourishing. There's a group called 'Mothers Who Make' on FB who address just the sort of questions you are grappling with. You might find some good support there.

Another mum browsing during the night feed here. I’ve been reading (in 4 minute intervals) a book called The Baby on the Fire Escape: Creativity, Motherhood, and the Mind-Baby Problem by Julie Phillips. it grapples with exactly these questions of how a creative and maternal identity can coexist. Doesn’t tell you the answer but am enjoying the prompt to think deliberately about how I use my time snd energy now, and how the form of creativity I enjoy might change.

It’s so hard isn’t it. Balancing art and motherhood. Always seem to feel guilty for neglecting something.
Even more so trying to turn it into a career at the same time.
Thanks for starting this thread. There’s some comfort in company. 🙂

@Zorya you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't work wise, aren't you? If you stay at home you're squandering the efforts of the brave suffragettes and failing to contribute the all important cash, and if you work you're emotionally neglecting the children. It results in this weird sense that the least shameful solution is to go out and do something you dislike so much there can be no doubt that you're only doing it for the benefit of others. And conversely, to pursue a career in something you love is beyond the pale.

But I would always counter that logic (which is so easy to apply mercilessly to ourselves, but never to anyone else) with my profound curiousity about what might have been the result of my own mother devoting more time to her creative development, and how that might have inspired me to do the same at an earlier stage. I feel quite guilty about my creative indulgences, but I also feel guilty about the fact my mum denied herself the opportunity to flourish creatively. The middle way might not actually hurt our children. But then again, the question of balance remains.

Thanks @Babamamananarama and @NorthernExpat for your respective FB group and reading suggestions to help us walk the tightrope. I quit Facebook a few years ago for reasons I probably needn't spell out, but the idea of connecting with more art mums is soooo tempting!

@Zorya do you mind sharing what it is you're hoping to turn into a career?

I don't think the Guardian hacks scammed this thread, that would astonishingly quick work, but this article seem coincidentally relevant creative mothers.

"Hacks" should read "have", although both make sense.

I've managed a reasonably successful juggle I think - my two are 9 and 6 and I am a theatre director and my husband a musician.

What has helped:

• I was fortunate in that my company was established enough by the time my eldest was born that I was never working for free, all my creative time was paid.
• my husband and I split childcare/household stuff 50/50 as soon as that was possible once the intensive BF bit was done
• I curated a work environment which meant I could take my babies to work when necessary.
• working tax credits topped it all up and really helped with our childcare bill. We had our eldest in 3 days childcare from 1 with my husband and I both picking up a day each with her.

In the performing arts there's definitely been a shift in the last 10 years or so with parents being much more visible and it being much more normal to ask for accommodations rather than have to pretend you don't have kids!

I do think if my creative career had been an an earlier stage or still very speculative in terms of financial returns it would have been much harder to juggle. But my creative time was paying the mortgage during their younger years.

@HistoryOnyx couldn’t agree more. The guilt of finding time to do something I love, and would also improve my family’s life too, is impossible. Weirdly feels more selfish to sit and draw/paint/create, than to numbly scroll through social media. Never really thought about that til now… Would be far better for my children to see me with my sketchbook.
Very good point about our own mothers and the guilt of them not fulfilling their own hopes and dreams. Probably because they were looking after us. How awful to think my children might think that about me one day. What a pointless sacrifice!
You’ve given me lots to think on. Thank you for starting this thread!

I’m hoping to get into animation (which I have a degree in), or concept art. Both need a fabulous portfolio, which needs time to create, and networking, knowledge of programs and general improvement of skills. All time.

My three kids are difficult sleepers, especially the toddler, so that s
doesn’t help. Feel like I often have to choose between housework, artwork or catching up on desperately needed sleep during his naptime.

Have you found any ways that help you to get daily work done? I think that’s probably the key for me.

What did I do with my time before kids eh? 🤔

I have two DC (5 and 12 weeks) and I have put my painting aside entirely since my son’s arrival five years ago. Apart from one short online course during covid.

It’s because I know I will find trying to juggle both so frustrating, I’d ultimately prefer to just wait until my little one is at school too and I have relatively reliable days to spend working. I just don’t see how I could find time for art while they are preschoolers, when I’m barely able to get all the necessities done each day (shower, food shopping, food prep, laundry, cleaning, admin). So I’ve decided to wait. But I take my hat off to anyone who can make it work. (Obvious disclaimer that I am fortunate enough to be a SAHM for now so attempting to earn from art is not necessary for me right now).

I'm a writer and after my first couple of books, I had writers block for about five years.

I had my first baby last year and immediately found it easy to write book number three! I've also set up an arts based business.

The concept of the flustered mother unable to function is completely alien to me. I'm on fire in terms of both ideas and execution.

AND my baby is just the happiest little person ever. So I totally get it OP.

Good for you @EightMonthsScared . I wonder if a lot of it comes down to the kind of babies you have (mine have both been extremely hard to get to sleep as babies which takes up a significant amount of time, physical and emotional energy).

I am also not someone who thrives under pressure - I need to be well rested and could never sit up at night working on art, for example, after a long day parenting. I appreciate that different kinds of people are capable of different things.

Thanks @k80pie !

I think you're completely right. I'm lucky that my son established a strong sleeping pattern immediately and has stuck to it since then, so thats give me routine from the get go.

I suspect if that wasn't the case, I wouldn't have had such a productive year. And actually, that's informing a (somewhat selfish) internal debate. Do I follow my current path or do I go for baby number two and risk putting the brakes on? It's difficult to resolve.

@Zorya I'm afraid I have no tips on getting the day to day stuff done. Even before I started using late evenings to write and record, I had quite a liberal approach to housekeeping. With small children, I find it's a case of prioritising meals, laundry and baths, and forgetting to dust. But this isn't on account of making time to create - it's the reality of being absent minded, anxious, and I suppose a bit lazy.

Having another baby has definitely put a stop to any late night sessions. I just jot ideas down occasionally, and I suppose accept that until she's bigger, I'm not going to be able to indulge in developing them.

I hope you find a way to put a portfolio together without feeling guilty. And the sleep will improve eventually! I spent a long time thinking I'd spend the rest of my life being woken up in the night. For the short period I enjoyed unbroken nights, I had so much energy. I think that's how I managed to be productive at night.

@k80pie I think waiting till the start of school and working during the day is what I was thinking. But it looks like we both have quite a wait until then. I'm thinking that in a year or two, the youngest will be a bit more babysittable, and I might see if grandparents can help out with a few hours here and there. I would feel quite embarrassed admitting to them what I planned to do. DH's family live nearby, but they're all very straight-laced and I'd feel coy and coltish talking about it to them. Have you got any family or friends you can ask, when your baby is a bit bigger?

@EightMonthsScared It's very encouraging to hear you're making it work. It's magic how the brain springs to life at a time when most people would assume we're knackered and myopic!

Thanks for sharing.

There’s no clash for me. I wrote my first novel on maternity leave, ten years ago, and since then have combined a writing career with teaching creative writing at university. Nearly all the artists I know are also parents juggling making a living with doing their work (not necessarily the same thing) and children, and I know a fair few musicians, visual artists and writers, and one friend is an opera director, who obviously travels a lot.

I think the spur of having less time after I had DS was actually helpful — it made me more focused. But then I have never thought I was supposed to inhabit a world of playdough and cupcakes, and it never occurred to me that working FT, whether in writing or any other field, was in anyway anomalous or damaging to my child. All the artists/people in creative fields I know do more than one thing to make a living — musician friends teach, the opera friend worked his way up by being a stage manager, nearly all my writer friends also have some form of regular job.

You keep using the word ‘indulgence’ about your music making, OP — why? You sound as if you think it’s some kind of self-indulgent extra, rather than something crucial. Is that really what you think, or is your environment telling you that?

Your comments about the idea of being a working parent (or is that just a working mother?) involving emotional neglect of your children so that the only acceptable way of working is to do something you dislike (?!) suggest you’ve internalised some misogynistic ideas about women and work. Are you planning to continue to be a SAHM? It just sounds as if you’re in an environment where parents, or perhaps just mothers, are assumed to have an unwavering focus on their children, and you’re going to have to find a way of carving out time for your work if you’re going to take this seriously.

amp.theguardian.com/books/2008/oct/18/anne-enright

You might enjoy this essay on maternal creativity by the brilliant Anne Enright.

Yes, that’s excellent.

I’m glad it’s not just me who feels this way 😄 I’ve always been artistic and creative (singing from childhood to present, then working as a cake decorator for 10 years, and in the pandemic took up watercolours/art, and in September took up crochet). I find it IMPOSSIBLE to focus on multiple things and have no idea how people do it. I need to lose weight too so I can’t focus on the (3) children, weight loss, our impending extension, social lives (mine and 7 and 5 year olds), running a home AND creativity. I just can’t do it all!
During the pandemic until April 2022 I had a really good run of art practise and I felt like Me finally. I have a huge list of things I want to do, local arty places to work etc when I have the time. I ‘should’ be making prints of what I’ve already made, and selling crochet on an Etsy shop, but it is so much effort to get the traffic and I’m awful at self promotion that I kind of self-sabotage by bumping these things to the bottom of the priority list.
When the baby (10 months old) starts nursery at 2.5 I will have more time to pursue creative things hopefully!
My current project that is seeing me through in the interim just for fun is renovating my son’s Dollshouse 😄❤️

Sorry I realise that’s kind of the opposite of your post, I’m more like @k80pie . But the ideas are flowing for sure!! It’s just having time to execute!

This thread is very relatable! Especially the part about feeling less guilty to be on social media than actually creating something! Is it because on our phones we can think we can stop any time, and it doesn't require all our focus, whilst if we make a conscious decision to get out a sketchbook then we are saying that is all we are going to be doing?

My kids are actually older now and at school all day. I work part time, but when I'm at home not working I always feel like I'm not "allowed" to work on creative projects until all the housework etc is done, so between that and my job, I only get a few hours a week of uninterrupted time. I think it's partly because DH works from home most of the time, and although he is very supportive and wouldn't complain about me doing art instead of housework (unless we were living in a total pit) it feels wrong for me to sit happily painting when he's working (although I have sold pieces before so it is a potential income stream). So I feel I have to earn that time.

@SoIAmGlad , thanks for your message. Something strangely sobering about it... Misogynistic is an alarming term, which I wouldn't utterly dismiss in this case (I can think of lots of potential sources from which I might have absorbed those sorts of ideas), but I think I was exaggerating for effect here too. I suppose the point is, while officially I would countenance being a working mum (I was one, in fact, until it stopped making fiscal sense), I experience a tension between my desire to be sophisticated, respected and independent, and a (maybe conditioned) sense of moral duty to live every moment for the family.

My creative impulses are obsessive, and possibly connected with this faultline between duty and desire, and maybe even fed by the tension. I see creativity as an appetite. A marriage of feeling and philosophy. If I had permission and time and confidence, I believe I could cultivate these elements into discipline.

A couple of years ago, when I'd first found my voice (vocally and lyrically speaking) I had a wonderful 45 minutes interacting with a folk singer songwriter i had seen perform a few times in my early twenties. I'd booked a lesson on Zoom with her, maybe mainly for the sake of getting starstruck. We chatted about harmonizing and figuring out chords, and I learnt that she had been raised in the Catholic tradition as well (I find this can somewhat catalyse a connection).

Your comments on the activities of creative people you know reminded me that she also mentioned the need for other artists in our lives. I was surprised to find myself so relieved to have this need acknowledged. I was aware of my attraction to people who make art (in its broadest sense) and ideas, but I suppose I was/am somehow ashamed of it. I daresay a psychiatrist could excavate my reasons. In any case, maybe my notion of creation as "indulgence" is related to this shameful desire to connect with people outside my immediate tribe. Why I've somehow gravitated towards environments covertly hostile to my peculiar form of creativity would be another question for the shrink...

@Babamamananarama mentioned Mothers Who Make. The organisation offers a mentorship scheme, and the deadline for applications is October. I'm wondering if a mentor might boost my sense of entitlement a bit, in the nicest possible way... They have a website, if anyone's interested. motherswhomake.org/

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