Am I right to be upset?

[MiniMumMax]

Hello all,

I’m posting as I’ve been in this relationship for so long and now I don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t. So I’m asking strangers online.

I’m partially sighted. I have been for a long time, since before my husband and I met. I wouldn’t say I’m the most confident disabled person. My husband regularly does things like get annoyed with me for opening the shutters to let the light in (he says he wants privacy) or turning the lights up in brightness so I can see (because he doesn’t like watching TV or playing games when it’s bright) but it means I can’t see properly or get migraines. We recently got a motability car. I used to use the pip money for taxis but now I don’t have it. Today I met a friend and then decided to stay a bit longer and he got cross with me for ruining his plans because he didn’t know what time to pick me up - it was a 3 minute journey.
He has also stopped reading subtitles after we’ve had an argument until I pointed it out that it was really unpleasant.

My question is - how many of these things are unreasonable? I feel like if I had a partner with a disability I would try to make them feel less disabled. I feel quite like I can’t ask for a lift now as it’s an inconvenience. And I feel bad for asking to turn the lights up as it annoys him. Am I just being ridiculous and he’s being a normal human?

It’s a tricky one.
Bright lights would give me migraines, I couldn’t watch tv with bright lights on, and I absolutely wouldn’t want people being able to see me in my home.
Would voiles be an option? It’s a compromise on the aesthetics, but means he gets privacy and you get light.
I think in your situation DH and I would have ended up in separate rooms. You want things they way you want them for your ease and comfort, but equally your DH is wanting to be comfortable too.
The time the journey takes isn’t the issue, but hanging around and not knowing a pick up time would be if I wanted to do something.As a one off it’s a bit of an overreaction though.
Constantly having to be accommodating can be wearing I suppose. My own late DH was disabled and, regardless of how much I loved him and wanted to help him, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t sometimes frustrating and infuriating to constantly have to think about, and accommodate, his needs.

Thanks for the perspective. I’ve had a crappy week and I think I’m feeling like the world is out to get me. I’m not usually like that.

He is being an arse. You’re married so your partial sight isn’t a personal flaw that he’s being magnanimous in accommodating. It’s a shared PITA that you both need to work round, as if you’ve inherited a big hairy dog that needs a fair amount of time spent on it.

So with regard to this motability car, you used to have benefits that gave you some freedom because you could use taxis. But you’ve exchanged those benefits for the car which is supposed to deliver a similar level of freedom. Presumably you can’t drive the car because you’re partially sighted so your husband does, and now you don’t want to ask him for “lifts” in what is effectively your car?

So he gets a free car and you can’t go out?

I’d look to get rid of the car and get your PIP back if I were you.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time
I don't think you've been seeming like you feel the world's out to get you
From what I'm reading it seems like your dh is quite impatient
Maybe he's not always like this, & this is why you're with him
But it comes across like he's either got quite a short fuse, & is rigid in his routines & how he likes them, or maybe he's had a bad week or two?
Either way you're not to blame
It seems he could try to be more compassionate, flexible in his routines /expectations, & compromise more with empathetic understanding for what you, his dear wife, lives through, through no fault or choice of your own
Wishing you all the utmost very best 💚🕯️

Thanks all for being kind. I think a combination of stressful jobs and busy lives isn’t helping. Will try to chat about it. Appreciate your thoughts and time in replying. X

He sounds mean minded and selfish.
He gets to have a brand new car paid for by a benefit supposed to help you and then resents having to drive you somewhere in it!
What a prick.
You aren’t asking him to accommodate your choices regarding lights and blinds but something you need to be able to do what he can do all the time.
Some people are too thick to put themselves in another person’s position and your husband sounds like one of them.
I am sorry you are saddled with him.

I think he is being unkind and should really do as you say, go the extra mile to help you live a full life and accommodate small inconveniences to himself. These aren’t so terrible now, but I think it’s definitely worth raising and paying attention to because what if his attitude gets worse in the future, or what if you need more help and he won’t be willing? If he loves you I would hope he can get over his slightly selfish needs/ impulses and show he cares by doing these small things for you

This. It's not his car!

The car decision was flawed, as he’s effectively become your taxi driver but doesn’t want to be. I sympathise with him not wanting to be on call for lifts, but also with you for not wanting to restrict yourself to set timings. So that’s a classic situation where you both have legit gripes and if that’s how it’s gonna be, you need to ditch the car and go back to taxis. Or if the benefits of the car to you outweigh this issue, then suck it up. But equally he doesn’t get a free car with no strings attached.

The other issues are understandable from both sides. Did he used to compromise more for your benefit and has changed? If you’re both frazzled, it’s easy to get annoyed with each other’s ways even when they’re just habits never mind specific needs like yours are. It’s a tricky part of long relationships to negotiate and even when you love each other, people tend to put their own feelings first and feel aggrieved giving way on things they dislike. Hopefully you can address it when things are less stressful and work out some solutions together so it doesn’t become a bigger issue.