Special Needs Mum newly Seperated and full of fear financially and physically support

[Caringmumcork]

Hi guys
I'm newly seperated. I finished the marriage a year ago. Co parenting in same house led to toxicity and my partner was in/ out away when suited refused to move out. This week I packed him up after a talk he was scared to leave so I helped him along.
I feel like I shot myself in the foot but the opposite was hurting all of us in this house.
I broke down the day he left full of fear.
Went for support to a&e psychology evaluation. Acute stress. I'm not nuts thank god!

I've two boys. 11 with autism and severe intellectual disability. Non verbal, in nappies and self harms. His a big big lad very strong.
6 year old pending ASD aspergers possibly diagnosis.

There dad has met someone now a few weeks.

I'm a full time carer to my eldest son amd my mum who has dementia lives in the same village.

My husband has being sending me 400 per week since we decided the marriage was over while he lived here. He earns 650. That was to cover all kid expenses and bills. I have my 1.5 carers allowance 405 per week.

I now decided meditation to work out arrangements is necessary.
I asked he mind kids two evenings per week 6pm to 10pm so I could attend meetings ( I'm 2 years in recovery alchohol). And one Saturday 3pm to Sunday evening per week. The midweek nights I asked he stay over in spare room ( he moved home to mum no room for kids) so I get 2-3 full night sleeps a week as my eldest doesn't sleep alot. He said he thinks that's alot.
That caused my breakdown the day he left.

I'm terrified I won't cope. Financially his full control to either send or reduce money. I'm already just about surviving Financially.

I'm also thinking I'm asking too much for the break ?

I'm just so new to this but I did start communication through Appclose coparenting App so record is there and blocked him on WhatsApp for myself to be more conscious when I'm angry ill think twice to react and engage in toxic testing.

I'm worried my boys heard alot and my little guy started to dry our broken hearts 💔 . I booked play therapy for him now I'm a trained play therapist so I'm grateful I could see him trying to process his sadness but hell it's painful!

Also to add I've social housing which has my name only on it thankfully.

Advice abd support is gratefully welcome 🙏

You need to go to Citizens Information and sort out your finances ASAP with whatever you are entitled to regarding housing benefits etc if they apply where you are. Based on your name assuming Ireland, which helps not reduce child maintenance if he has overnight care responsibilities but you are equally financially responsible for your children.

If I'm wrong and you are UK, he won't have to pay much child support at all if you're asking him to spend 2 or 3 over nights to provide care.

Now you are separated you should hopefully be entitled to more benefits. Check you are getting everything you are entitled to.

Unfortunately. if he is already saying 3 nights is too much this doesn’t bode well in his commitment to his children.

Thank you , yes in Ireland. I'm going to apply for lone parents benefit and try secure this.

I think I shocked because his an amazing dad always was so I'm hoping this is just coming from anger and a means to hurt me.

I don’t think it’s fair to question his commitment to his children considering he’s leaving his home and family against his will and is still paying the vast majority or his salary to them.

I don’t think you can expect to have it both ways OP. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult but you are expecting a lot of this man if you think he can reasonably build a new home after the breakdown of his relationship, financially support his family and himself separately as well as provide care away from his own home three times a week in addition to normal contact.

You will cope. Keep reminding yourself of the reasons you wanted him to leave and take control where you can. I can’t offer any advice about services in Ireland but whatever there is, make full use of it. If your children are at school they might be able to support or signpost you, or charities connected to your children’s disabilities. Check your mum is getting all the help she is entitled to so that you don’t have extra pressure unnecessarily.