hi everyone,
this is a long story but i’ll try and shorten it the best i can, i met a guy, i fell pregnant, he lived 200 miles away, so i stupidly moved and left all my family and support network behind, which was a stupid move due to me having Anxiety and bpd. i never imagined i’d be a mum, but i always try my best, but some days it’s hard to shut my thoughts off and i struggle to get out of bed, i already feel like a failure and punish myself everyday. i have abandonment issues and panic attacks and have a problem with my own company, i have always been this way and my kids dad knew this. he said he would support me, but he treats me like a burden.
he complains about how needy i am and how i am a grown adult so should deal with being alone, but i can’t shut the thoughts of impending doom off.
he says he needs a holiday and is going away, leaving me at home with the two kids and dog. i have no support network and i’m already terrified of being alone, i have cried my eyes out daily begging him not to go, but he tells me i am guilt tripping him. i am petrified of being alone, i have nobody to call. i also feel really hurt and disappointed, i understand he has his own life, but he should of let me go back home with my children years ago. ( which he won’t) i didn’t ask for any of this, i don’t mean to be a burden. i feel so lonely and like i am not being heard. his family pressured me into letting him go and that’s who he is going with.
he is comparing me going to see my mum, as a holiday for me, but i don’t get to see her for almost a year and i feel because he doesn’t have the same mental health issues, it isn’t fair :( am i being unfair? if he truly cared about me why would he think of a holiday? i can’t eat or sleep, i can’t stop clawing at my own skin, because i want to escape my own thoughts. i am so deflated with life. id rather die than have to be in my own company. I spend everyday stuck in my house due to not knowing anyone and being to scared to go out alone, i don’t get a holiday, i get to go see my mum once a year and because i don’t take the kids, he believes this is fair. but that isn’t a holiday it’s seeing my mum and that’s only because he won’t live where i am from due to not liking the area, i don’t ever get a break, he doesn’t work either, his mums paid for this holiday. i just feel let down and hurt, i want someone to care about how i feel😞 i’d feel okay if i had a support network but i don’t even have that, i am so angry he’s going without a care in the world, he has told me he’s going to all these places and i started crying, so he started laughing. i didn’t ask for any of this, i just want to be loved and heard 😞