Becoming a parent when you’re disabled

[MsPrue]

Hi everyone.

Posting on behalf of a disabled friend who has found out she is pregnant. Think she’s needing some reassurance. Having to be general for privacy reasons.

She's got issues with her back which means lifting anything much heavier than a cup of tea isn’t possible. She hasn’t been able to work because of this. On top she’s dealing with dyspraxia.

Shes worried that as a single mum that her child will be taken away from her. She’s had some professionals in mental health support claim this, and they’ve been extremely harsh making her believe any child will be ripped from her as soon as it’s born because she can’t be a fit parent with her disability. It’s making her feel really stressed and panicked.

Can anyone provide any info or advice on where she can go to speak to someone more reliable for advice?

She doesn’t have any family around for support.

Thanks for any information or advice. Would love to hear anyone else’s point of view on becoming a parent when disabled to feed back to her.

Sorry, but I can't help, but bumping the thread for you, in case anyone else might have more knowledge.

Being a disabled mum and a single mum with no family support sounds incredibly hard.

Perhaps the professionals she spoke with who were being harsh were trying to be realistic about how hard it will be.

Does she having any plan for how she would practically parent?

She needs to be realistic, how is she going to look after a baby? If she struggles to lift the weight of a cup of tea, and has no other support, how is the baby going to be cared for?

I'd suggest she request a care needs assessment from her local council. Support for 'carrying out any caring responsibilities the adult has for a child' is mentioned specifically.

She can find out what help is available and hopefully get on their radar for future assistance.

https://www.which.co.uk/reviews/later-life-care/article/care-needs-assessment-how-to-apply-and-prepare-a1Srf0g8OSO4

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/getting-a-needs-assessment/

How does she cope now with general life? Shopping? Housework? Cooking etc?

My perspective is from childhood as child of a partially sighted parent. It made me more aware of a lot of stuff but also naive. When I left home and shared a flat with someone who wore glasses, it was my first experience of someone who wore glasses all the time but could actually navigate around the home without them on. It took me years to get used to furniture not being in precise locations, stuff like coffee tables.

In those days we didn’t get much intervention from government agencies. As my mothers sight worsened there was some financial help (attendance allowance) and advice after she was blind.

So not really a similar situation to your friend’s but I would say it did give me some level of understanding/consideration of others.

I have a friend who uses a wheelchair due to her MS. She had a child a couple of years ago and has a carer with her during the day time to help with the practicalities of looking after the toddler. Her husband takes over as soon as he's in from work.

The thing here is that disability is such a wide spectrum.

It’s simply not possible to say that any disabled parent can have children or should be able to because in some instances it’s just not possible for that parent to look after a child safely, through no fault of their own.

But as a person with a disability you have to think through the practicalities before you go down the route of having a baby, because there will be practicalities you have to think of.

I am blind, and I actually had to make fairly few adaptations. I had DS on reins when he was little to avoid his running off, but from the other side, he learned very quickly that he needed to not run off, so he didn’t. He also knew that if he did, then he would go back on the reins.

As a tiny baby I carried him in a sling and then in a back carrier. There are some blind parents who will drag a pushchair but I was never comfortable with that.

Most importantly I swore that no child of mine would be made to compensate for the fact I am blind, and he never did.

But I was independent before I had a baby, and that didn’t change.

But depending on the disability, the processes you need to put in place may be different.

Someone who is unable to even lift a cup of tea is, in all honesty, not going to be able to look after a child without significant help. We’re talking 24 hour care really, because if she can’t pick up and cuddle the baby when it cries at night, that’s going to present real issues.

And that raises another point. If you need care to bring up a child, there’s a very real chance that your child is going to end up as a young carer, and is that the kind of life someone wants for their child?

There are children of disabled parents who had perfectly normal upbringings with wonderful, loving parents.

But there are also children of disabled parents who have grown up resentful of the impact their parents’ disability had on their lives growing up.

None of us can know whether your friend was really told that the baby would automatically be removed. But it’s a fact that the welfare of the baby is going to be put above that of your friend, and if her disability is going to present major issues, that needs to be considered.

I have met parents with cerebral palsy for example that required help from a carer to assist them with lifting their babies and other heavy tasks because they had to walk with sticks and couldn't lift. The reality is as a single parent it will be harder, but it always is. She would have social services input and a care assessment because she would require extra help, but just because she needs extra physical support it should not mean her child would be taken away from her. There are many disabled parents who raise their children with their own challenges, many who are better parents than some able bodied parents.

This is just one example of a disabled mother who cares for her child. I share this as it might help her to see the stories of other mothers.

Does she have any plan at all? It sounds like she would need somebody else around 24/7 to help with the baby.

It is going to be disability specific. For some disabled parents, caring for a child is as easy as for a non-disabled parent.

Does you friend have an actual, practical plan in place for the physical requirements of caring for a newborn or a toddler?

Thanks for bumping @PeppermintParty I appreciate that.

Please understand a defensive tone to my post here, as this is a dear friend of mine, and all of you are commenting on her situation with a small piece of information about her and her situation and how this has happened. I do have the benefit of knowing the full circumstances.

For the comments that seem very critical of this “decision”, this is a woman who was told she would not ever be able to have children. She was also not choosing to try to be pregnant. This was someone else’s decision that lacked her consent.

Asking here is us trying to make “the plan” everyone is asking about, in very sudden, unexpected and upsetting circumstances.

It’s very easy to make assumptions but hard to take them back, especially when they are judgemental.

@MattDamon thank you, that’s helpful, I was assuming something like this was available but wasn’t sure to look.
@Choconuttolata yes, I’m assuming she’ll require support somehow from someone through social care.

She can manage herself day to day, just like many others do with smart choices and support aids and friends/community help.

If anyone has any further advice or awareness of the what this could look like your insight would be appreciated, thank you.

This sounds like she needs the police as much as anything, but also the GP and to get plugged into social care if she isn't already. It's good that she's got a friend like you. This sounds very very tough already.

The Police- why?

@Bignanna she needs the police because the way OP has worded it, she did not give consent to the act that led to the pregnancy.

I would be concerned that the child would become her carer at an early age and forfeit their own life.

I would suggesting looking for parents with similar abilities/barriers on tiktok etc. they will have wonderful advice on how she can manage. It sounds like the hardest part will be lifting the baby. I personally have a different disability which came after my children were older so don't have much insight. Does she have family support or any carers support from the local council? If not, I would contact adult social services to get as much support as possible. Does she live on a single floor property? A bassinet on wheels would possibly help move baby about with her? Just a thought to get started