Question for wheelchair users - being acknowledged

[TrashPandas]

I don't often need a wheelchair, but every time I use one I feel like I've become invisible. Noboby looks at me, let alone makes eye contact. It's not just that they're busy getting on with their lives; it's definitely a concerted effort to not see me. I've heard other wheelchair users say the same.

Being charitable, I think some of it is down to them not wanting to gawp at the disabled person. But it makes me feel so small.

So now when I see someone in a wheelchair, if they're facing my way I'll make eye contact and smile. But now I worry that it seems patronising or something? I can't assume everybody feels the same way I do in a chair.

I don't know other wheelchair users in real life so I want to ask people here: should I carry on or stop? Would it annoy you to have me smile at you for no particular reason?

Oh @TrashPandas the irony of your post being unanswered! I find this topic isn't used that much, you would probably get more answers in Chat (best not to use AIBU!) as I know there are plenty of wheelchair users on MN who are more likely to see it in Chat than in here.

If I'm using a mobility aid not my chair, I do find a lot of people don't smile but do offer to help with doors etc which is kind. I imagine it's a bit of a minefield though as people don't want to be seen to be "patronising". I think if people say "would you like some help" rather than just pushing the door open for someone, it's better.

I think the answer to the original question is not whether to smile at people in wheelchairs, it's just whether to smile at people generally. Some people are smily and do so, some people don't. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of eye contact generally except with cats  so quite like being out of eye level. I will however smile at people if I'm near home in a quiet area, not so much in busy shopping centres! If you like smiling at people and being smiled at yourself, go for it. I never mind either way, if someone smiles at me I will always smile back.

How many times can I say the word smile in one post

I'm a bit worried to post somewhere more popular! Chat can be like AIBU-lite these days and I just don't want to invite any ignorant comments about disabilities.

I'm not a super smiley person. If I accidentally catch someone's eye I'll smile, but I also avoid eye contact except for cats. I suppose that sound hypocritical but I'm 100% sure that when I'm in a wheelchair, people are very deliberately not seeing me; it's not just that they're all shy non-eye-contact people.

I'm a new wheelchair user so still finding my way with it all, but so far there have been good and bad to be honest. Some will go out of their way to smile, make eye contact and make sure I can get where I need to go, others will simply ignore me. I have found that sadly it is those who have known me for some time that now ignore me, if I am being charitable then maybe it's because they don't know what to say. Either way it hurts.

As for me making eye contact, I am useless. I was with DD today when she said hello to someone, who replied back hi. I didnt look up so didnt see who it was, turns out it was her dance teacher so I had to message and apologise for seeming rude! I find if people are a little further away it is easier for me to see their face, but up close it means looking upwards which generally hurts so I don't bother

OP- what would your ideal be? People to smile, say hi, start a chat, offer assistance, ignore?

I feel it a fine line between being patronising the offering assistance which may not be warranted or needed, to someone that would ideally like help- yet doesn't ask anyone.

In St Pancras station once. It was absolutely packed getting through the station, people pressed up and only managing to walk very slowly due to the volume of people. I was completely startled when someone behind me, blew an air horn! It turned out to be someone in a wheelchair pressing an air horn to get through the crowd quicker. Maybe they needed to get somewhere- be we all did! I actually found this incredibly rude, given everyone else was stuck and unable to move- whether a wheelchair user or not.

I'm generally the 1st to offer assistance if I see someone struggling with a door, getting a walker out their car or other mobility device. I've had a range or replies from 'mind your own business to, no, I'm fine thanks'. I'm a HCP, and by nature, would offer to assist and help people, but sometimes find its not needed or wanted.

Thank you for starting this thread .
I have seen a lady twice now in a wheelchair in the park where I walk back from work. It has an incline and I was going in the other direction. I felt really bad not asking her if she wanted help the first time after I had passed. The next time, I hesitated because I did not want to seem patronising - she has presumably chosen this route. If I see her again, I think I will say hello and ask her if she wants help. if she says no, then at least I know I am not being a jerk just walking past. If she says yes, then I know to say hello again next time I see her.

I also experienced this when I was a wheelchair user. People would speak to my husband or if they did speak to me they were really patronising. Drove me insane. Someone once said to me I didn't look old enough to be a wheelchair user. I'm sure in their head they were trying to be nice but in pain and fed up I retorted I wasn't aware disability had a minimum age requirement.
I wish I knew what the answer was but I always make sure I engage with wheelchair users and their carer if they have one. I think in some respects it's better if the carer doesn't stand at the back of the wheelchair when conversing and moves round the side. I think there is also an assumption about wheelchair users that they have a mental disability or illness.

I should add that when I lived and worked in central London (between zone 1-2), no one made eye contact on the pavement or tube with each other. If I was to suddenly smile at or engage with a wheelchair user more than any other commuter, surely this would be odd, for both of us ??

I recently moved to a much quieter location where people do acknowledge each other and say hi, good morning etc. I would treat everyone the same, depending on the area I'm in and with no baring on their abilities.

I use a wheelchair part time. When in my chair I get ignored too. The difference is very jarring, as I know all to well how I am treated when not in the chair. At a restaurant my husband was handed a menu once but no menu for me! And I get the baby voice when professionals speak to me as part of their job, like they are talking to a 5 year old.

I think smiling is fine if you catch someone's eye, just the same as you would with anyone else.

I used to make a conscious effort to speak directly and make eye contact with people in wheelchairs. Now I don’t need to be aware of it, I find I make eye contact and small talk the same frequency as I do with someone not in a wheelchair.

I wonder if it comes from being told not to stare as a child and really wanting to look?

I have a family member in a wheelchair. They came to a get together and a family friend walked over, leaned down, much in the same way as super nanny, spoke very slowly, with hand gestures saying hello, my name is Julie. I am so happy to meet you. 🙄

I think @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles is right with this,

If I'm using a mobility aid not my chair, I do find a lot of people don't smile but do offer to help with doors etc which is kind. I imagine it's a bit of a minefield though as people don't want to be seen to be "patronising". I think if people say "would you like some help" rather than just pushing the door open for someone, it's better.

I've got a progressive neurological disorder, I may well end up in a wheelchair. I can't even begin to imagine how isolating it is.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that people are so awkward/ignorant and you feel invisible.

The worst thing I experienced as a wheelchair user (temporarily) and which is something that happens to my daughter from time to time (a regular wheelchair user) is someone helpfully moving you 'out of the way' without asking and not realising it's the equivalent of forcibly shoving someone aside.
But yes, I generally felt either invisible, or horribly conspicuous. And if you stand up for a moment - as many ambulatory chair users do - you're just waiting for the 'miracle in the booze aisle' look on someone's face. But I'm not sure how much of that might be inaccurately perceived.

I don't make eye contact with anyone, if I'm walking along, I am doing my thing and assume others are doing their thing- it wouldn't occur to me to make deliberate eye contact, but if I saw someone struggling, near a door I'd always ask if they needed a hand. Maybe it's that you're more aware now about lack of eye contact because you're looking around more? I wouldn't want to minimise your feelings, or what you've observed so please don't think that's what I'm trying to do, just explaining from the perspective of someone who really doesn't do eye contact!

Treating people like they are somehow lesser because of needing a mobility aid though, is an arsehole move- and again, not trying to minimise that for all of you have had this happen. A mobility aid should never lead to an assumption of in capability and that definitely would pee me right off!!