An ex work colleague I am friendly with told me I can't do my job because I have ADHD

[helpmewithdrawgracefully]

Won't list the job, because it's outing.

But I met an ex work colleague for a coffee the other day. I actually used to be his line manager and have a much higher level of academic qualification in the field we both work in than he does.

He is now freelance and I work in the public sector. He charges a lot working freelance (good for him) and I earn a lot less and change the lives of people who otherwise couldn't afford intervention (good for me).

Anyway, we work in a psychology related field so I assumed I was safe to tell him about my ADHD diganosis (it came up in relation to CPD we were doing, I explained why I'd done a lot on ADHD).

Later in the conversation I was talking about when I was in training. And he said - and I think it may have been intended as a joke' and YOU can't be an XXXX YOU've got ADHD.

But I am an XXX (oh, fuck it, a psychologist, this post makes no sense if I don't spell it out).

I'm staggered that he didn't realise how disablist this is? Has anyone experienced this not from a random but from a professional who should know better?

for you OP!

Sadly prejudice is everywhere. I'm really careful who I mention it to to be honest. Would always be really careful about it coming out in a work related area.

Thank you, Bertie.

I haven't really told anybody about it other than close family. I just assumed I was in safe hands with someone in the field. But, no.

Also, this sounds nasty, but there was a part of me that felt he really pushed it as he's a lot older than me and male and I outdo him professionally in terms of status (but not earnings obvs) and he seized gleefully on ADHD as a reason to dehumanise me and make me 'lesser'.

It was really odd and showed him in a really different light.

Yes. I work in an organisation that supports neurodiversity and experienced lots of this since sharing my diagnosis. We aren't psychologists or medical.
My observations of ADHD by professionals supporting my ADHD child is that they also have a wierd view that ADHD isn't medical but behavioural. Even though they know it is. It seems to be classed with mental health disorders even though its a neurological difference. Adhd is not taken seriously enough. Its not considered a real diagnosis. I feel embarrassed discussing it to be honest. Even today my GP minimised some issues I have with medication. My family don't believe I have ADHD. (I've been diagnosed in my 40s).

It feels like it was a prejudice he felt happy to say out loud - he'd never have said ah but you're a WOMAN therefore no good! (which he probably does think makes me lesser than him). Or commented on race or religion.

But felt really comfortable denouncing my disability status.

To be fair I've seen similar with people being considered 'not autistic enough' too.

@Maltedmilkdrinks

Yes. I work in an organisation that supports neurodiversity and experienced lots of this since sharing my diagnosis. We aren't psychologists or medical. My observations of ADHD by professionals supporting my ADHD child is that they also have a wierd view that ADHD isn't medical but behavioural. Even though they know it is. It seems to be classed with mental health disorders even though its a neurological difference. Adhd is not taken seriously enough. Its not considered a real diagnosis. I feel embarrassed discussing it to be honest. Even today my GP minimised some issues I have with medication. My family don't believe I have ADHD. (I've been diagnosed in my 40s).

Interesting, malted.

Yes, I saw a therapist a few years ago who refused to let me talk in sessions about why I thought I might have ADHD. When I was diagnosed with it he declared that ADHD isn't a 'thing' just a collection of symptoms and I just need to set alarms.

I thought the client was supposed to be the expert in psychotherapy?!

@Maltedmilkdrinks

To be fair I've seen similar with people being considered 'not autistic enough' too.

That's interesting, malted, how so?

He was just trying to undermine you full stop.

Even though you do the same job and he makes more money than you - he just wants to keep the little woman in her place.

Also, YOU prove his stupid comment wrong just by breathing.

People have set views on autism presentation and so if you are sociable or have a sense of humour etc you can't be. This applies to boys too.
Professionals continue to have these ideas.

Yes ADHD isn't considered a neurodiversity and I can't even access anyone to do my medicine management properly. I get a sense people think I'm jumping on a bandwagon

@Cherryana

He was just trying to undermine you full stop.

Even though you do the same job and he makes more money than you - he just wants to keep the little woman in her place.

Also, YOU prove his stupid comment wrong just by breathing.

The thing I hate absolutely MOST about all of it is that I went it to a fawn response (I've tons of trauma in my background and this still happens automatically when I sense a kicking from a bloke) and smiled and said "actually I'm really high functioning"

Which kind of legtimised his disablism because I've effectively said it's ok to bash people with ADHD except me because look I've done ok.

Which I am cross myself about I just felt so squashed and humiliated in the moment I didn't choose the defence mechanism I went to, it just chose me.

I wish I'd have said "what do you mean by that?" and eyed him coolly.

But instead my psyche went into 'make nice to the antagonist'.

Bloody grrr

@Maltedmilkdrinks

People have set views on autism presentation and so if you are sociable or have a sense of humour etc you can't be. This applies to boys too. Professionals continue to have these ideas.

Yes ADHD isn't considered a neurodiversity and I can't even access anyone to do my medicine management properly. I get a sense people think I'm jumping on a bandwagon

Absolutely understand what you're saying, Malted re: autism. Have you seen any of Jude Morrow's stuff? He does an excellent job at undoing these hideous fecking stereotypes.

As for ADHD, yes totally made up and only exists to make big pharma rich (according to my ex therapist).

Responses happen in a split second. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. We all wish we could come back with the perfect reply but most of us spend our time just saying it to the mirror after the event.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You held something out to him and he squished it - not treated you or your disclosure with respect.

He’s a knob. Make sure when/of you get the chance you don’t push any work his way.

Yes I've heard that too.
Not heard of Jude Morrow but will investigate. I'm lucky that I know lots of neurodiverse children and adults so no stereotypes here, but find I'm educating the people who should be educating me. Today it was my GP about oestrogen and ADHD. The ignorance is huge.

Don't beat yourself up. Sounds to me he just wanted to lighten the situation. But that isn't very nice and shows how awkward he is with difference. Not surprised to be honest but so sad that those supporting others have such negative views. He probably is a knob about loads of things. Let's hope life never throws anything at him!

I think what struck me most of all is that I'm actually very proud of my neurodiversity and it threw me that anyone would have a problem with it.

I love the work I do with neurodiverse children, I think I have the best job in the world and I am also really pleased to be me and see me ADHD as bringing both gifts and challenges.

I thought I was safe to say mention ADHD in that specific company that understands it (because many of my friends work in other unrelated areas and just have no ND awareness).

@Maltedmilkdrinks

Yes I've heard that too. Not heard of Jude Morrow but will investigate. I'm lucky that I know lots of neurodiverse children and adults so no stereotypes here, but find I'm educating the people who should be educating me. Today it was my GP about oestrogen and ADHD. The ignorance is huge.

I think you'd really like Jude Morrow's approach it is exactly about educating the educators cpduk.co.uk/providers/neurodiversity-training-international

I'm thinking about a follow up, now.

As in 'it was lovely to see you but please think about how you come across a professional before you disparage those with ADHD'

Exceedingly passive aggressive I know but I don't want to open the discussion of how I felt after what he said and I that's not the point when he's a professional who works with ND people.

I think you are being too nice.

Maybe .. you are my friend, but if you had been overheard and taken seriously you could be in the tabloid press/be held up for professional misconduct?

Thanks oneepisode, having slept on it I think I'm going to leave it. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did. But I'm also almost certain that if I raise it he'll then feel bad and apologise and I'll just feel worse for making him feel bad.

Looks like his emotional intelligence took a day off when you opened up to him.

He's very very wrong, and ignorant. I can see why you are angry with yourself about your response but perhaps you would feel better if you set him right.

I'm not a Psychologist, nor do I have ADHD. But I can tell you your colleague is a dick...

When I was diagnosed with it he declared that ADHD isn't a 'thing' just a collection of symptoms and I just need to set alarms

PMSL. It's that simple, isn't it?

OP, whatever 'label' you have, you sound like a thoroughly nice person and I think you're right to leave it and get on with your life. Personally, I'd have thought that having a neurological difference might make you even better at your job as you might be more understanding of other people.

Is there any possibility that he was being sarcastic/joking?

He knows you’re a psychologist, that you used to be his boss, and still work in the field. Was it not more of a knowing “You can’t possibly be a psychologist with ADHD, can you?!” Almost critiquing the wonky assumptions of others?

Otherwise it doesn’t make any sense, other than outright aggressive criticism (which you would have noticed as a factor of his personality before surely?). Because he knows you, and he knows you are a professional, likes you and presumably respects you as a fellow in the field.

ADHD was the driving force behind me doing so well with my own business in my 20s - relentless drive and ‘scattered’ (for lack of a better term) thinking really worked in my favour.

Fuck that guy (not literally) - the world is full of ignorant fools when it comes to ADHD.