Dealing with my child’s social rejection as an autistic mum

[GCAutist]

This is more about my daughter but it’s also about my feelings as an autistic mother. I wasn’t sure where to post this but here seems more fitting than the section about kids or teens. Apologies if it ends up long.

My DD (12) started high school last week. She had an awful experience in primary school with not really making friends and is pinning her hopes on high school being different.

For background she is awaiting autism assessment. I thought maybe she had dyspraxia and referred her for that assessment but the OT felt autism may fit better, I don’t know if this is because of my ASD diagnosis or if it’s genuinely a better fit. I honestly hadn’t recognised enough in my daughter to consider a diagnosis of autism aside from not having any good friends. She’s very friendly and sociable and funny but quirky and adults and older teens love her but she struggles with kids her own age. She’s also really very clever & performs well in academic subjects.

Anyway she came home buzzing with excitement on Friday that she’d had an amazing day and had spoke to new people and walked home with the girl across the road that she kind of knew but not well and her friend (who both just started last week too but came from a different primary school).

Today she posted a letter through the girl across the road’s door asking if they could walk to school together on Monday and the girl very politely replied no, she was walking with some of her friends. My daughter said she was ok with this but my heart broke for her. It wouldn’t have hurt for the girl to say, why don’t you join us but she didn’t and my daughter will end up walking alone and because they’ll all have to leave at the same time she’ll see them all walking together.

So I guess I have two questions. How do I best support my daughter to ensure she doesn’t lose faith in making friends?
And
How do I stop myself feeling so sad and me taking it so personally (even although I hide this from everyone) when she’s getting rejected socially?

Ugh it’s just horrible. My dd went through the same but with long standing friends who just pushed her out one day. I’ll never forget her having to walk to school the same route as them but not with them after they snubbed her. I was so upset for her and she was too scared to ask anyone to do anything for so long for fear of rejection or it getting back to ‘them’. I had to really force her to text someone else and actually ended up speaking to another parent who said their dd would do something with mine (we work together).
It was for the best though that she was pushed out of that group and she has a friendship group now where they’re actually nice to each other. She’s going in to y11 but all the crap started to happen at the end of y7.
My niece is just going into y8 and has had to navigate some tricky friendship issues. Her advice to my friend’s dd about to start secondary school was don’t go up to the popular group and try and be friends with them. Go to the person on their own, they’ll be much nicer. And actually I think it’s good advice.

And dealing with your own upset- just the usual strategies, distraction, talk it over with friends, be there for dd but be strong, don’t make her feel like she’s a victim.

Thank you @Karwomannghia - I just worry she won’t have a good experience socially. She took a book with her to have something to do if no one spoke to her and I hate that she’s planning like that already. I’ve read so many stories of autistic women who had awful high school experiences, myself included and they all sound so similar. I worry my daughter will have the same experience.

I don’t have friends to talk to about this hence why I posted here. I guess I just want some reassurance that she can have a happy experience of high school. She’s generally so happy, I’d hate for her to lose that

I think it’s good that she’s taken a book and she could check out the lunchtime clubs available. If the school are aware of her SEN what do they offer at lunchtime? My dc’s school have a learning support area where students can go at lunchtime and ds used to join a friend there. He also went to the library. Hopefully things have changed since you were at school and they’re more aware of supporting students at breaks etc.

As she is social, she will find her people at school.

Find some boys to be friends with. Nearly all dd's friends are boys.

My heart breaks when I read posts like this. Describes my school days. Me undiagnosed at the time snd clueless as to what I might be doing wrong. My son really struggles - he can't cope with the jokes and groups of boisterous boys. I do feel that he has been rejected by some of his peers snd now puts pressure on himself to perform academically as a way of competing or being part of it. I find it all very triggering snd struggle not to project it onto him. I don't know what the answer is.