How to support DH with ADHD

[AwkwardPaws27]

We're pretty sure my DH has ADHD.
His GP referred him for an assessment, but adults are screened locally by our MH service and they thought it was anxiety - an existing diagnosis which DH feels is incorrect. We're considering private options but ultimately I'm less interested in a diagnosis and more interested in how I can support him.

If you have / live with someone who has ADHD, do you have any tips? Any book recommendations?

It's very hard not to feel like I'm nagging, as he needs a lot of reminders to do a task.
I try and share out the household tasks/life admin so he has ones which aren't time specific. Any tips for this? I doubt a rota would help as I don't think he'd remember to look at it(!)

I'm trying hard to understand hyperfocus - I've heard so many times "if he can concentrate at work / on playing guitar etc then he can concentrate on housework", but I understand that isn't the case. He has a niche IT job which fulfils his talent for fiddling with stuff til it breaks

I have tried to implement some organisational things; key rack by the front door, for example, & I have asked him to take responsibility for locking up each night partly because it prompts him to know where his keys are, retrieve them from pockets and place on the rack to save a search in the morning.

He struggles with object permanence so we seem to have stuff either laid out everywhere or mixed up together in a box - any tips for organising in an ADHD-friendly way?

I have ADHD and this helps me
1 Have less stuff, you have less stuff to lose.
2 Clean together, if someone is doing it with me I feel bad about getting distracted so I put effort into staying on task.
3 Lower your expectations, get a cleaner if you can aford one.
4 When you go out in a cafe/resturant chose somewhere without too many distractions and sot somewhere he can't see too many people.
5 Get out of town, go for runs in the country, it's good for our brains and you'll get better conversation.
6 Don't expect him to sit through dinner parties, they're boring and make us bkank out and seem rude.
7 Look at his good points, we're a bit crazy but at least it's interesting..

Thank you Rabblemum

1 Have less stuff, you have less stuff to lose. this is a struggle; he likes cluttered shelves and collecting things
2 Clean together, if someone is doing it with me I feel bad about getting distracted so I put effort into staying on task. I've suggested we do 15 mins together every day; not going too well as often he's busy doing something else and it's hard to get him to redirect to the chore - whereas I'd rather get it over with and then relax
3 Lower your expectations, get a cleaner if you can aford one. I'd feel ashamed having a cleaner when we both WFH but I think that's a me issue! The house is by no means kept to high standards but I think we should be able to keep it a bit better
4 When you go out in a cafe/resturant chose somewhere without too many distractions and sot somewhere he can't see too many people. yep - he always chooses where to sit as otherwise we'd end up moving anyway
5 Get out of town, go for runs in the country, it's good for our brains and you'll get better conversation. we have a dog, daily walks together are the best part of the day
6 Don't expect him to sit through dinner parties, they're boring and make us bkank out and seem rude. I feel the same!
7 Look at his good points, we're a bit crazy but at least it's interesting... definitely, I love him for who he is. I don't want the housework & stuff to grate if we have DC in future though

It is me with ADHD not my husband.

Have a look at the channel How To ADHD - I find this really helpful.

Also some podcasts. ADHD Essentials is a good one although it's more aimed at parents of ADHD kids, I find it good for me :o

Watch the Russell Barkley series of talks on youtube, something like "30 essential ideas parents need to know" - again, aimed at parents, useful for me.

Read/learn as much as you can about executive function as this is the primary function impaired by ADHD. Annoyingly nobody seems to be able to work out how many there are - I think because people tend to lump some in with each other or separate them out arbitrarily but for example here are a few and ideas about how you (as a family) can accommodate for these.

Working memory - means trouble holding tasks/ideas in mind. Use apps such as Tody or Regularly to remind about regular household tasks that need doing. Use apps that hold lists of family things that need to be kept in mind. You can also use a whiteboard/noticeboard. I find apps useful because I'm on my computer a lot and they sync. Make stuff easier - small bins everywhere are a lot nicer than piles of rubbish in every corner of the house.

Time management - make things visual e.g. use google calendar time blocking. Let him know if something bothers you e.g. you ask if he's ready and he says yes, then spends 20 minutes finishing all of the last minute things. He probably hears "are you ready" and understands "have you finished the previous activity and are ready to move on to the next" rather than "are you literally prepared to step out of the door". I also find that I assume if something takes less than a minute that it takes no time, and even if I string 10-20 of them together, it will magically STILL take no time and then I am surprised and distressed when things do take time.

I have adhd and these things help me

A written by myself, Callander with what I am doing when, o keep a photo of it on my phone

A to do list every weekend

Cleaning in stages but a very tidy house, so I clean as I go / can see the mess I make more

Less things = less clutter, I find clutter very distracting

Lots of exercise- going 100% all out

Knowing a plan for things - what I am doing when