ADHD perspective

[Anon2021]

I'm wondering if I can get some advice from the perspective of adults round here with ADHD, or living with people with ADHD.

Long story short, professional person in their 40s (X) sent a very offensive email to a colleague (Y) in a voluntary organisation they had recently joined, copying it to a few others. X has ADHD and possibly ASD, says they were provoked by Y's conduct in a meeting and questions Y then asked in writing. X now won't apologise, but might retract the message.

The organisation wants to make all reasonable adjustments, and is thinking of putting in place a code of conduct which essentially says you mustn't be rude, offensive etc (which should be obvious anyway?). They hope that it will help X to have a defined set of rules setting boundaries. But there are concerns around the fact that X presumably can't have had the successful professional career they seem to have had without learning that this isn't acceptable, and also the fact that this reaction happened so soon after they joined. is the code of conduct going to be enough? Provocation might explain an instant reaction, for instance in the original meeting, but is it consistent with sitting down and composing a long email, and subsequently refusing to apologise? There is also the duty to protect colleagues and others from the possibility of similar attacks in the future.

I know you can't generalise about how ADHD affects people, but is X's conduct likely to be down to ADHD and possible ASD, and if so, realistically how far can anyone be sure it won't be repeated? We try to teach children with this type of difficulty how to manage in society, but I suppose when this person was growing up there was much less understanding of ADHD and therefore much less support. Ideally the organisation would like to get past this and move on with both X and Y who both have a lot to contribute, but is that realistic, and how far should they make adjustments for X?

I'm assuming that the organisation is quite small and so doesn't have things like mediators or specialist disability support? If so, I'd suggest getting some support/advice from an external organisation about how to move forward while being aware of employee rights. I've used ACAS before in a couple of different situations and they were really helpful. There's a section on neurodiversity in the workplace on their website, and a lot of what they offer is free.

There are two related issues: finding a way to move forward with x and y, which might need some mediation. And then there's the future policy/code of conduct, which involves finding a balance beween protecting employees from abuse and protecting the rights of neurodiverse employees. Definitely worth a phone call to ACAS to see what they could help with.

The National Autism Society also has a section on their website about employment and offers a consultancy service, but I've no experience of using them.

Yes, it's quite a small organisation, but none of those involved are employed. Would ACAS help in that situation?

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you meant these were paid workers in a charity-type organisation. ACAS only deals with employment issues.

In some areas there are mediation services aimed at voluntary organisations and community groups. I know someone who used to do this, funded by the local authority. Maybe contact your local/county/borough council to see if anything like this is available in your area? Or if there's a local hub for voluntary groups in the area they might offer this service or be able to point you in the right direction.

I think it's also worth contacting the National Autistic Society (& ADHD equivalent) to see if they can offer suggestions re the code of conduct.

You could also try speaking to other local organisations which coordinate diverse groups of volunteers (hospital volunteer services, conservation volunteers, etc), even if it's just asking for an informal chat about how they might approach the situation.

I have ADHD, although unofficially diagnosed but have just been through the ADHD assessment process with my adult DS and was told by the psychologist there was no doubt where he gets it from!

I also have a fairly senior management position in a large corporate, so your question of "X presumably can't have had the successful professional career they seem to have had without learning that this isn't acceptable" really resonated with me. I consciously had to learn the acceptable ways of behaviour which seemed to come naturally to everyone else, and it took a few false starts to get to a place where I think I've got it cracked. Having said that there are still times where I think "why don't they just say this is all bullshit" but I now check myself before I say anything.

So I guess, depending on their age, this person is probably still working out the unwritten codes of behaviour. I'm in my early 50s and it took me to my mid 40s to stop getting into trouble for what I would say. Although I seemed to know never to go into writing!

Hope that helps. I think addressing it with them now will be doing them a favour, even though they may not welcome it as such.

There's a great website here www.additudemag.com which may well be of use in terms of resources etc. It's American but I found it excellent.

Thanks, @dramaqueen. This person is late 40s so it does seem a bit surprising if they have managed to work all their adult life in quite high powered businesses without learning what you did. The difficulty is in a way that it's difficult to unpick what is the result of ADHD and what is, perhaps, the result of a simple resentment of being questioned.