Another "am I?" thread, with work questions

[Theodora123]

Evening all,

I don't know where to start. I've been wondering about this for a while but I'm now thinking about it specifically from a work perspective. I apologise in advance for the ramble, and I don't expect an armchair diagnosis. I have just done the Clinical Partners website autism quiz and got a result of "you have many tendencies of an autism spectrum disorder" (16 points) - which I kind of knew already.

I've been working from home since lockdown, as has my entire company. This is total bliss for me. The physical workplace used to drain me no end - loud gossiping and laughter everywhere, radios playing in different places, etc. My nerves would be in shreds and I'd get migraines. Without wanting to go into too much detail, my employer attracts young, extroverted people and they tend to do caring and/or salesy jobs. My job there is in IT and can easily be done remotely. I can prove with stats that my performance has improved since working from home, including on collaboration measures. My boss, though, would like us eventually to all be back in the office for an unspecified minimum number of days a week, apparently for no other reason than a sociable atmosphere (and, I suspect, a fear of losing control). Even if this is just one or two days a week, I'm feeling really resistant to it. It's bad for my wellbeing, I'd rather not, and it's now clear that I actually do better work for the company when I'm remote. I have a demanding family life outside of work and my sensory plate is full without all the hoopla of the physical workplace and commute. I know I have statutory rights re: flexible working which I'm quite prepared to exercise, but I also know that my boss pays a fair amount of lip service to inclusion and wellbeing, and I'd like a way to explain my needs in a way that will help him understand and support.

Except, of course, I don't officially have any needs, as I'm not diagnosed with anything and I don't know if I ever would be. I know I have ASD traits but the online tests I've taken over the years have all said "yeah, you're quite a bit like that, but not quite there". I have considered getting a private assessment, which I could afford, but was put off my the thought of family members/my partner having to be interviewed about me... Makes me nervous and feel ashamed, even though I know I shouldn't be.

In short, the ASD traits I think I have are: difficulty in social situations and very few close friends (was appalling as a child, the concept of masking feels very familiar and has taken up a vast proportion of my energies), not picking up on group cues or understanding how to conform, an aversion or obliviousness to manipulative tactics and displays of emotion, wanting to do things in my particular way (though not necessarily the same routine all the time or a fear of the new) and be fully in control of myself, getting obsessive or pedantic about particular topics or hobbies and boring on about them. And the sensory stuff - mostly around sound, but also some stuff around touch.

It waxes and wanes. When I'm feeling really drained, I think I must have ASD, all the traits seem so alive. Then other times, when I'm happy in my own little world with everything made to suit me, I think no, I can't be, it's just my personality, I get by all right (until I don't). Sometimes I read a post on MN by someone who says they have ASD and I think "that's me!". Until they say something I can't relate to at all and I think "no, I'm not like that, I'm not as bad". When I was little an early years practitioner did suggest it to my parents, but they rejected the idea out of hand.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the ramble, and the clumsy phrasing I have almost certainly used along the way. I'm not even sure what my question is, but if anyone feels moved to take the time to share any thoughts, I'd appreciate it. Thank you for reading.

You could try doing one or two other tests. The AQ test is well-regarded and the NICE guidelines suggest GPs use the shorter version (AQ10) as one way of screening for whether to refer for assessment, so it's something GPs will recognise. You can do the test at www.aspietests.com, and there are a few others there too. None of them can tell you if you're autistic, but they'll give you an idea of whether it's worth pursuing a diagnosis.

If you think you'd like to get assessed, go to see your GP and take your AQ/other tests and maybe some notes about why you think you're autistic, and how a diagnosis might benefit you. However, there is generally a very long wait for assessments - often over 2 years. But I know some people have then got letters from their GP to say they are awaiting assessment and been able to approach their employers for support on that basis. I suppose it might depend on the employer. Otherwise you could look at going private if you can afford it.

If you think you are then I would recommend going for a diagnosis. I went for one, in part due to (extremely belated) recognition that having a diagnosis would have helped and protected me several years ago where I had a difficult situation at work with an extremely unhelpful and bullying boss, whose response to us managers expressing concern about how best to adapt and support a junior colleague who was clearly struggling with a significant organisational change (and consistently presented with extremely stereotypical autistic male behaviour) was "he doesn't have a declared diagnosis so we don't need to do anything to make his life easier - he has to adapt to us, not the other way around". This person was over fifty, so wouldn't necessarily have been picked up at school.

Ultimately I ended up in a better situation, better environment and (much) better salary, but it has played on my mind over the years and I think it could easily have gone the other way. At one point I had to take several months off work due to the situation and it could have wrecked my career.

I'd suggest being assessed. You sound very much like me and I was diagnosed last year. My manager then referred me to occupational health. One of the recommendations has been for me to continue working from home. Work have been really supportive, particularly as, like you, I'm much more productive at home.

Thank you, all of you. Each of your posts have been really helpful. I think I will look into assessment, and it's useful to know that an employer might possibly provide support on the basis of me awaiting assessment.

The biggest factor that's put me off in the past is, I'm embarrassed to tell you, the stigma. I ploughed so much energy, as a teen/young woman, into passing for normal, trying to be popular and glamorous and all these things, terrified of being "found out" as awkward and clumsy (I'm not sure I fooled many people, unless being seen as haughty and eccentric counts). I studied the arts (despite a gift for maths and systematic thinking). Until reading about the way that autism presents differently in women and girls, I thought of it as something to do with nerdy boys, and I think a lot of people still do. I'm no longer worried about being seen as cool or nerdy (I'm a bit past that!), but I'm worried my boss might see me differently, for example make assumptions about my abilities and potential. How have you found this? Have you been able to develop and progress in your careers since diagnosis? Has it made it easier at all, since you have a clear view of your challenges and strengths? Perhaps I would actually feel less stigma if I had a diagnosis, instead of just guiltily seeing myself as deficient and weird...

Your last sentence is how I used to feel before diagnosis.