Overthinking whether I'm autistic or not

[Cruncheyleaves]

For the last 2 years I've had waves of over thinking that I'm autistic. I'm in a wave now. I can't get it out of my mind.

My brother is autistic, quite clearly. Diagnosed when he was young. I'm 34.

Sometimes I think I just have a few traits but not enough to be classed as autistic and I get close to accepting that but then other times I analyse myself over and over to try and group together all the traits to see if it could amount to an autism diagnoses. So clearly I don't accept it.

Things that make me think I could be autistic are...

I'm a slow processor.

I'm a slow learner.

I was about a year behind to learn to read and write.

Rarely make eye contact when I'm talking.

I take a long time to feel comfortable around people. Like a few years.

When I'm stressed I get withdrawn. This causes issues with my DP.

I've been told many times I have resting bitch face and that people can't read me.

I'm very sensitive to criticism.

I'm clumsy.

I'd describe myself as a bad communicator.

I have a mental block when it comes to writing. I avoid it.

I struggle to adjust to different temperatures, it takes me longer than usual. Like I have to make sure I arrive early to things because if I walk somewhere in the cold and then get to a room temperature building I go into a hot sweat which is embarrassing and then I get flustered and my communication skills get worse.

I don't like the beginning of any book I read, any programme I watch. I tend not to like new places until I've been there a few times. I have to power through all these things as I know my pattern, but it's exhausting and I might not like it anyway!

I cry a lot. At least once a week.

I struggle to talk in a groups. Even when it's my friends.

I struggle without a routine.

I struggle to be productive unless the day before I have wrote a to do list. This sounds so silly but I literally can't find the motivation to do something in the moment even if I know I want to do it, unless I've wrote it down the day before.

Things that make me feel I'm not autistic...

I think I'm very empathetic.
I have friends.
I did learn to read and write in the end.
I have a good job.
I don't have any sensory issues that I can think of.

So far I've not been able to bring myself to talking to my GP about it as I feel like I shouldn't be using up NHS resources when I'm not struggling ad much as some people. I can't afford a private one.

Not sure of the purpose of this post. But it was good to get it down. It would be good to hear any similar experiences or thoughts.

A lot of these thing I identify with, others not, but there are lots of different ways people present with autism. I'd definitely speak to your GP about it, but take some 'evidence' with you. I've said on a couple of other threads, the AQ test (at www.aspietests.com) is a good one, because GPs often use the shortened version as a screening tool. I also found the questions interesting. The AQ test was the first thing I did when I thought I might be autistic, and it made me realise the kind of things in my personality that might be autism-related. I then did quite a lot of reading, watching YouTube videos, Ted talks, etc before thinking about getting assessed. Another that was a big eye opener for me is the book by Sarah Hendrickx, Women and GIrls with ASD. Lots of things I hadn't really associated with autism are mentioned in there, and it's useful to read about how autism can look different in women.

Regarding whether you want to use up NHS resources, do some research, have a think about how much this impacts on your life, and how much a diagnosis/assessment might make a difference to you. If it's important for you then it's not a waste. But on the other hand, some people are satisfied with self-diagnosis and just feeling they've found something that makes sense of their lives, and don't feel a need for that formal confirmation.

People with ASD often do have empathy, this is a big misconception that we’re all emotionless, uncaring robots. We also have friends too! We may find it hard to make them, or even to socialise with them (as you mention) but we can still have them.
Not being able to read and write doesn’t have anything to do with ASD... does it? I hadn’t heard that before. It can affect the way you learn to read, possibly, but again everybody with ASD is different. I was actually an early reader as I taught myself.
People with ASD can often have good jobs too. Depending on what the job is, they may have problems with workplace politics (and also the environment, but you mention not having any sensory problems).

I also don’t have sensory issues. Not major ones, anyway. The main one would be right clothing but that’s easily avoided. I know there are some people who struggle with going to the supermarket, or may have a fairly restricted diet due to not liking certain textures, and that’s not me.

Tony Attwood talks about lots of accountants, medics, and software engineers as having autism.

I can fucking read and write, though it would be a reasonable assumption that I can't as my fingers refuse to type in the order I want. Dyslexia is a co-morbidity I think.

We can do empathy, can be over empathetic as well as under.

sensory: seek tasty foods, lean on stuff, seek visual or auditory stimulation (you could be hyposensitive so seek sensory stimulation)

also vestibular and proprioception, as in balance and knowing where your body is in space.