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Anyone autistic with neurotypical partner?

9 replies

AutisticID · 13/01/2021 12:12

I was diagnosed in my 40’s and I guess it’s taking a while to come to terms with (I’m not just lazy/disorganised/selfish etc). I have a wonderful but very NT partner and we have ongoing communication difficulties- I just wondered if anyone can relate?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 13/01/2021 14:01

What does very neurotypical mean? Does that mean "not very accommodating of your neurodivergence"?

Can you give an example of the kinds of miscommunications?

AutisticID · 13/01/2021 15:30

Sorry, I didn’t mean very neurotypical in a derogatory sense. I didn’t explain very well sorry. I mean has a wide range of feelings which I find difficult to navigate - they have to tell me how they feel and if often comes as a surprise. So I end up feeling like I haven’t been very sympathetic as I look for practical solutions to problems rather than understanding the feeling behind it, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
AutisticID · 13/01/2021 15:43

Basically, I feel DP has to make a lot of accommodations for me and it makes me feel guilty/that I’m not a good partner. I’m finding it hard to not feel crap about it currently.

OP posts:
ProudAS · 14/01/2021 06:55

I was diagnosed at 30. DH does his best but it's not easy for him.

LonginesPrime · 14/01/2021 11:39

Basically, I feel DP has to make a lot of accommodations for me and it makes me feel guilty/that I’m not a good partner. I’m finding it hard to not feel crap about it currently.

What does DP say about it all?

It sounds to me like you're being really hard on yourself and seeing your diagnosis as meaning that any miscommunications are your responsibility to clear up, as if you're somehow defective. An equal relationship between two people means that both should shoulder the burden of communication equally. So don't feel bad that they have to make accommodations too - they're doing it for the privilege of being in a relationship with you because they want to be in relationship with you (the whole you, including the fact you have an autism diagnosis).

Everyone has to work at communication in relationships, and the advantage of your issue being ND vs NT communication styles is that there is heaps of guidance out there nowadays and lots of strategies for better communication. So it's a pretty easy solve compared to other possible communication issues a couple could have.

I appreciate it can be jarring being diagnosed late (I was too) and it takes some time to process it all, but you're the same person you were before your diagnosis and you're not deficient in any way, so try to work on your self-esteem and stop feeling guilty.

Remember - the only reason you feel it's on you to make more effort is because NT people are, by definition, the statistical norm. But in your relationship, there are just two people, so the NT/ND mix is 50:50. You're equals. Could it be that the fact DP makes such an effort feels weird to you because generally in life it's down to you to conform to NT expectations and people don't tend to make the accommodations that a loving partner might make?

AutisticID · 14/01/2021 12:07

Wow, thank you for posting LonginesPrime (sorry I don’t know how to put that in bold yet!) - I think you’ve absolutely put into words just how I feel but couldn’t work out. Thank you so much, there’s a lot to mull over there.

OP posts:
Lunardreams · 15/01/2021 00:51

Hello, I have ASD and my partner is NT. Since my diagnosis he has been a lot more understanding of why I am the way I am. He is very supportive and I feel bad as I know I can be hard work sometimes. We sometimes misinterpret each other which can lead to us bickering however we work things out pretty quickly.

AutisticID · 15/01/2021 07:14

Hi Lunardreams thanks for posting too. I think I’m struggling lost with feeling DP has to compromise to accommodate me a lot and although they don’t mind, I still at times feel like an inconvenience and it brings up a lot of feelings about not being good enough. I don’t know how to get over this really!

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 15/01/2021 12:03

Glad to have been helpful, OP.

I'd suggest counselling to deal with your feelings of inadequacy. As you say, your interactions with DP are bringing up past feelings of inadequacy, which is completely normal for someone who's struggled through life in an NT world and been diagnosed relatively late. So I'd definitely recommend unpicking all those other feelings and experiences with a counsellor so you can address those and learn to recognise when they're clouding your current situations.

Counselling would also give you an outlet outside your relationship which might help you to feel less like you're burdening your DP with every aspect of this.

You could ask your GP, go through the place you were diagnosed or just look online to find what's available.

A child/teen who gets diagnosed obviously needs psychoeducation to understand how their condition affects them, so it's natural that an adult being diagnosed with need at least that, plus counselling to deal with all the negative experiences of having gone through life thinking 'what's wrong with me?' for decades. Ive found that the more I've learned about my neurodivergence, the more I've been able to forgive myself and grow to like myself.

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