ok so iv never posted before but im at my wits end i feel so ashamed and low in myself.
2 years ago i fell pregnant something didnt feel right and i thought it may be best not to keep the baby i asked my partner how hed feel ablut me aborting.
he flew into a rage and claimed i was a baby killer he didnt listen to my fears i kept saying how.wrong i felt i was sick each day i was rapidly losing wieght i was worried and a feeling just wouldnt leave me no matter how positive i tried to be something felt wrong because id asked this our relationship suffered he hated me and said if i aborted the baby id never see him again.
i didnt want to abort any baby so i went against all my fears and kept her i struggled because id asked what id asked he bought it up in each argument when my mood was low he literally terrorised me in the kitchen he threatened me with a knife and then at 4 months pregnant he left and went back to his ex.
i was still struggling the whole pregna y was my darkest days i got through and had her.
when i had her he came back and apologised he was acting differently like he was really sorry but a feeling of resent was still with me.I still felt somethi g was off and doctors everyone around me doubted me called me insane they said i was suffering anxiety depression postnatal etc but him most of all never listened to my fears from the very beginning he was supposed to love me i never felt so alone
Heres the hard part ... 8 months into her life after momths of crying begging for mris and doctors to look at my baby i was told by doctors my beautiful baby may not live past 10 she has lissencephaly and may never do what normal children do she may never walk and may struggle with life in general.
i dont know if i blame him as well as.me for stressing so much when i was carrying her i dnt know if if im being nasty to him because i know if and when i lose her il die il go straight away iv wanted to crash my car into a wall since the day i found out but shes gorgeous my oldest daughter too i feel so lost and angry all i do is be nasty to him and sometimes i dont even mean to this has turned into a horrible person i really dont know how to deal with this and be more positive when the future is so bleak i kept her for this and il never forgive me for doubting my intuition my instincts i thought maybe something was trying to save me from the life of pain spare her a life of disabilty i dont know iv prayed and screamed and i cry each day i just dont see this getting any better and i feel my hatred bubbling tearing us aprt bit by bit and i dont know what to do