I have ASD.

[Blobfishrock]

I was diagnosed privately 18 months ago at the age of 35. Any delays in education was put down to being a premature twin. I have always felt 'different' but didn't know why.

I read every self help book I could as a young adult and to this day, when I am stressed I go overboard with the shopping in the hope that it will buy me a new, better me.

When I found out about my disability, my psycologist told me not to stop my fantasy life as it was my way of stimming. I realised at that point that I fantasise as a way of escaping my reality and that my life will not change.

By some miracle, I have a husband and children. I secretly regret children as I find parenting noisy and a constant invasion of my physical and mental space. They are neurotypical as is my husband. I love them dearly and I try my hardest. My diagnosis was after they were born. I also have an education and a full time job.

However, I am so lonely. I fail at friendships and misjudge or overvalue them. I feel like I'm failing my children because small talk with other parents is so hard. My best friend (male) recently chose another female friend to be 'best woman' partly because I hate giving speeches. It's really hurt me, but I don't feel I can raise it.

After another social failure today, I've had a cry because I've realised I'm not going to 'get better'. My disability is not going away.

I'm sorry. I didn't really have a question I just wanted to post my feelings as I don't know anyone else with ASD. Thanks

If it helps, my story is pretty similar. Diagnosed at 45. I'm married with two children. Lonely. Awkward. Educated with a full time job. My life is a trail of social screw ups and bad choices. People are a mystery.

Don't apologize for posting. There are others out t/here. We are just kind of hard to find. I haven't found any in real life (that I know of) either.

Can I ask what triggered you to seek help when you did? Did you go along to the gp?

This is very similar to me too. I'm awaiting an assessment and am older than you, but I recognise all that you've said. I think you're very brave to admit all this to yourself. It took me years to understand and admit that I find my family (dh and 2 teenage dcs) very intrusive into my space. I find it hard to cope with the lack of solitude and quiet. I just used to think I was a bad person for feeling like this.

I also have a trail of failed social situations and friendships and feel really lonely. My friends are more like acquaintances - I've got a few people I know quite well but I don't think they really know me as I'm too embarrassed to reveal what I'm really like. I can't do small talk either and I misunderstand basic stuff, and my kids are at the age where I also find it very hard to interact with their friends too, which is another thing to feel guilty about.

I'm constantly getting upset because I have all these fantasies about being normal and can be locked into a fantasy life for most of the day, but then I'll hit reality and feel really distraught that actually I can't have this 'normal' life where I know how to socialise, be friends, etc, or just feel guilty that I'm wasting my life daydreaming. It's interesting that your psych said fantasising was a kind of stimming. I've not heard that, but it makes a lot of sense as it's just another kind of coping mechanism.

It has helped me in some ways when I've been able to be open with other people (very rare). But lockdown/Covid interrupted this for me as I was only just starting to test the water re telling friends before then and I don't want to discuss ASD over zoom/phone calls as I feel uncomfortable enough using those, so I'm waiting for face to face life to resume. At least it's given me a lot of time to think over the last few months, and realise that I don't want life to continue as before, so my plan is to get a private assessment once the Covid situation normalises, and then be open with people and hope that this shifts things a bit - maybe people will be a bit more understanding and accommodating, I hope. I think I have ADHD too, so am also trying to get to grips with how I feel about that.

That's probably not much help, but I hope things get easier for you (you too Elemental).