How did you discuss autism with your family/friends?

[larklight]

I've been sure for a while that I am autistic but am rubbish at discussing feelings and personal stuff. I plucked up courage to mention it to a couple of friends, but they were dismissive, trying to reassure me that I'm 'normal'. From a few passing comments I think a couple of family members suspect I am autistic but maybe don't want to be the ones to raise the topic. I doubt dh has a clue, he just thinks I'm eccentric and moody.

It sounds stupid that I can't just say "I think I'm autistic. Have you ever thought this about me?" or similar, but I just feel crippled by anxiety whenever I try, or I put it off until a better time which never comes. I'm not good at discussing inner feelings, and discussing this with anyone would feel frighteningly exposing and potentially a huge change in my life, which even if it was a positive change (which I think it could be), would still be really frightening and uncomfortable.

I wondered if anyone else has felt like this and how you got round it? I've thought of giving dh an article about autism to read and ask if it rings any bells. I've almost got the courage to book a GP appointment, but I could see myself just going in secret and still not being able to mention this to people in my life. Even writing this I feel really anxious.

Hello, are you close to anyone in your family? Like your partner, a parent or sibling?

I would suggest writing a letter or email as it can be much easier to get your thoughts in order and say what you want without fumbling or missing crucial points.

Your idea sounds really good about sending your husband an article with the statement - does it ring any bells. You two can then have a chat later and you might feel more able to verbally express yourself depending on his response. You don't have to go into too many details initially - just that you've had some strong suspicions as you've struggled with a number of things since childhood and you've been thinking about this for some time.

It's probably best to engage in some discussions with your partner first if you can. GP appointments and consultations can be nerve wracking so it would be good if you had some support or awareness from your partner about what's going on.

Many assessments can require a parent or close family member to corroborate some of your experiences, especially in childhood, as the consultant will want to know your developmental history etc. So if you are able to engage in some discussions with one or two family members beforehand, then it can make things easier during assessment. Conversely, if your family is skeptical or dismissive, then at least you will be better prepared to look for other means of support.

You don't have to tell everyone in your family if you don't want to. And you can take your time to read the information about ASD out there and ponder on your life and experiences. Maybe keep a notebook where you write down any past or present difficulties as you remember them. Write about how you felt or if it caused a problem or argument in your close personal relationships. These snapshots of your life will make a good resource to reference when it comes to your assessment.

All the best.

Thanks NonnyMouse. I’ve since raised the subject with dh but it wasn’t a big life changing thing because he didn’t really understand that it was more than just a way of labelling my quirks.

I’d got so anxious about talking about it and I assumed he would see it as a huge thing too. I should have realised that autism has become one of my obsessions, so I have all this info he doesn’t, but I’m not good at communicating what I know. I just felt quite sad and disappointed after telling him, because I think he now sees it as a bit like when I realised the itchy eyes I get every spring was hay fever - just a label that makes no difference to our lives but it’s satisfying to know what it’s called.

I’m now trying to find a couple of articles to show him what I’m feeling - I should have done this beforehand as I’d originally planned.

I’m glad I’ve broached the subject - it’s a start, but I’m feeling sad that it wasn’t the big turning point I was expecting.

I forgot to say, thanks for the notebook idea - I have started doing that.

It's good that you've managed to broach the subject! It can take a while for these things to really sink in. As you mention, you've been spending quite a bit of time looking into it all, while your husband hasn't really had to think about it until now. So it won't really seem that much of a change from his perspective. But over time as you have more conversations and share the occasional article here and there, he might start to pay more attention and remember how certain things affect you etc.
People rarely change their mind overnight. Usually it's lots of small conversations and discussions over time and gradually it starts to make sense.

If you decide to go ahead with seeing your GP and then get an appointment for an evaluation etc, I think your husband will start to realise that this is important to you and not just a name for something. I suppose from his point of view nothing about you has really changed.

I'm starting to see that it's going to be a longer term thing with dh. I find it hard to accept he's not going to be as obsessed by this as me, or have that same feeling that this is something major to explain all of the problems I've had fitting in with normal life. I think I'm good at masking, so it shouldn't be a surprise that he's just not aware of a lot of the difficulties I have.

I'm trying to write something for him going through the different issues I have and what I've read about autism that relates to those things, and I'm planning to see my GP after lockdown finishes. I'm also trying to get the courage to speak to my siblings, because I think they may be able to confirm a lot of things from my childhood that I now think point to autism.

Masking is such a double-edged sword. In the short-term it helps us get through social situations and makes our lives around other people a bit easier. In the long-term it causes more problems as people don't realise we've been covering up our discomfort, they think we are doing just fine, it starts to take its toll on us, and as we stop masking it makes family and friends wonder why we are suddenly being difficult and problematic. :(

The first thing I read that made me think I was autistic was about masking and how common it is among women with autism. It was a big eureka moment. Before that I'd assumed that everyone, especially women, put a huge effort into 'being normal'. It makes me feel like I've been living a lie - not even the people closest to me have any idea how much masking I do or how much effort this takes.