aspie/autistic parents - how do you cope with parenting?

[Branleuse]

How do you cope with the sensory onslaught of parenting, especially of parenting kids with SN, and their noises and behaviours and stuff.
I feel like we live in either chaos or I have to do a lot of leaving people to their own stuff. Kids spend more time than id like on their devices, partly because theyre really into it, and partly because I literally cannot manage them if they all get in each others spaces and start arguing and it makes me feel quite mad. I feel like im letting them down a lot, especially if it gets too much and I have a melt myself.
In some ways I think it makes me a better parent as I feel like I get where theyre coming from and we are really close emotionally, but in other ways I feel like I cannot model normality for them.

can anyone relate

Nothing useful to add. But I totally relate. Me and dd are asd.

Not ever having some quiet space to myself gets so overwhelming. But then I understand her better than anyone.

Anti depressants keep me going.

The guilt weighs me down. I feel like I fail her alot because I'm in a state myself.

If they need their devices to be calm why is it wrong to spend too much time on them?

BES it depends if they are becoming reliant/won't do necessary things/won't come off them.
I do not have SEN myself but I still find the DC overwhelming at times. For me, trying to get breaks away from them helps e.g. going for a walk or a coffee.

Drspouse, whilst I know parenting is overwhelming for everyone, it's not very fair to come onto the Mumsnetters with SN topic to say so, as it smacks of "everyone's like that" and "you just need to try harder, like I do" which we've heard so many times before, which adds to feeling guilty/inadequate/crap.
I believe this is one of the reasons this topic was asked for, a relatively safe space to discuss things like this without the risk of well-meaning posters declaring that they are not autistic but they know exactly how you feel, when no, they really don't. Take your overwhelm and need to go for a walk and multiply it to the point where you're paralysed and physically can't go for a walk, or consider going for a coffee, then maybe you'll have some empathy for autistic MNers.

OP I know exactly how you feel.
We all have a mix of needs, and it's impossible to meet everyone's needs at the same time.
The main thing we try to do is split them up, and if that means summer holiday reliance on devices, then so be it.
Inevitably I end up at the bottom of the heap, and there's no chance to have any space.
I'm on antidepressants which help.
Sorry, that's not very helpful, but you're not alone.

It's really hard, and some days I cope better than others.

Building in time to myself (even if that means they spend an hour on screens) is essential.

If we're going out for the day I insist on going really early, in the hope that it'll be less busy/overwhelming.

Lol at suggesting autistic parents will find going for a coffee relaxing. As Joy* said, there's a reason we requested this board.

Bran do what works, sod what others think is right. Don't make life even harder by trying to live up to unrealistic expectations.

(*not all autistic parents obviously, I'm sure some love coffee shops, but it's a very NT-centric suggestion)

I do love coffee shops. But. Not relaxing. Right now both kids are upstairs devicing together while I do laundry and kitchen repack and panic quietly about packing for a 'fun and relaxing' couple of days away with some friends. While it will genuinely be great to be with them sans children, I am going to be So Far Out of My Comfort Zone that I am terrified actually. And will be exhausted for a week after. And people don't take Too Much Fun as a real reason why you can't do anything for a week and think you're making excuses.

Antidepressants help a lot. Being realistic about who you are helps a lot. Sending the kids to suitable holiday clubs for a few days has at least helped me. Not admitting the amount of screen time the children get also helps!

Sorry, though that clearly wasn't helpful, my DH though not ASD is very socially anxious also finds going for a coffee relaxing - he goes to the upstairs of a coffee shop when he knows it will be quiet and he has noise blocking earphones. I am well aware some people don't do noise and crowds.

At the risk of sounding sarcastic, am I allowed to suggest things that DO avoid noise/crowds/people, like walking or having a cave/hide-out (which I also do - mine's for craft but I know people who have a Mum cave that's just for escape)?

Without wanting to be rude, which I realise this probably is, but I can't say it any other way, this thread is on a board for MNers with SNs (I wish MNHQ hadn't titled it such but they did so we are stuck with it), and if you're not in that category then it would seem polite to refrain from posting.

Drspouse, if your dh isn’t autistic either then I’m not sure it’s relevant on this thread.

The point of this area is so that those of us who are autistic/adhd etc can share our experiences in a safe place without feeling bad because sometimes we can’t follow the Perfect Parenting Manuals.

Offering to advise us comes across as very patronising, or perhaps I’m misreading your tone.

I do lime to go out for a coffee actually and its nice to have a break, but i dont always feel refreshed and ready when faced with the same sensory triggers later. They remain the same, although regular breaks definitely help. I find myself checking out and hiding away as much as possible and then hating myself as im not being engaged with family life

The guilt at having to check out is awful!

find myself checking out and hiding away as much as possible and then hating myself as im not being engaged with family life

This is me. I hate myself for it. But I need time out.

When kids were younger timetables helped me (and them).

School Holidays were very long and demanding!

Do your kids want/need you to be engaged though? I'm wondering how much of this is your guilt?

I have ASD and so does DS (6). I also have NT DD (5).
I find it incredibly hard and usually resort to screens at some point in the day while I ‘recharge’. We have several pairs of headphones and they have a kindle each so it is quiet!
I always go out somewhere early on in the day when it’s quiet. Then we spend the afternoon chilling with Lego/ crafts etc. When one of us has had enough we have ‘quiet time’.

When we get home from school, D's gets fed and sits on the landing with the phone. Dd gets put somewhere safe away from Ds and I sit at the computer to recover from the journey with ds in the car which can vary in stress levels according to his agitation levels and the traffic.

Devices are used as calming mechanisms here. DS and I are currently self soothing with phones as the TV at the holiday cottage has gone funny and my agitation levels have gone up. There has been shouting, tears, flapping... All three of us who are diagnosed, on the list or waiting for referral to be accepted have contributed.

I think there is too much emphasis on the idealised NT family, such as all eating round the table together when in reality for ASD families with sensory issues this just exacerbates the difficulties of the disability and piles on guilt for the parents.

Oh my god eating around the table. I hate that so much. When we eat as a family we normally all have books or tablets propped up next to us! Even when my husband and I go on dates....

Thank god someone else gets it. Holidays are another thing. Dd hates crowds D's gets overexcited and out of control. I get stressed. All a bit of a nightmare.

I didn't mean to sound patronising - I was just offering suggestions that help for those that are overwhelmed.
My DS doesn't have ASD and is very unlikely to get a diagnosis but he gets very overwhelmed and the tips from parents of children with ASD have been very helpful. I am looking at him (and therefore adults also) with a symptom approach, therefore, rather than a diagnosis approach.
Sorry if that comes across badly.

drspouse I think you've had a bit of a rough ride here. Yes it is for ND people but I don't think you came here to be difficult. I recently commented on a thread that was apparently only for NT people with ASD partners and I was made to feel most unwelcome by some of the posters.

I guess the advantage of you coming here is that maybe you experience how life can be quite difficult for us. On the NT thread there was so much misinformation on ASD, particularly Asperger's (which I have) that I personally don't mind the odd NT as the more that NT's understand about ASD's the better. (my turn to sound patronising)

I'm glad that your son benefits from advice you have received from other ASD parents.

Thank you AH I'm grateful for that.