Can anyone chat with me about undiagnosed teen daughter...SO WORRIED

[Fizzysours]

Long message.. SO GRATEFUL IF ANYONE READS AND RESPONDS!!! DD is 19. She is amazing, beautiful, loved by peers, has responsible ft job, saved for her first car, god we are proud. But I think she is also mentally ill or autistic or both. She started crying at school / nursery at 3yrs and I mean every day constantly. Friendship issues, verbal bullying. We moved area at 8yrs and she was happy and confident. She has remained very popular socially since but started melting down and rages at 13. We found a therapist who suggested possible autism but official diagnosis was no. I see why...she showed flexibility and was only showing problems in the home. She always seemed (and was I think) happy at school. Only with husb sister and myself does she show her unhappiness. She is often nice but apallingly rude on a daily basis. When we try to challenge this, or when she is anxious about any change or problems, she really melts down. Very similar to my hf autistic neice. Screaming, breaking things, hurling awful insults. She also seems unsure about relationships...for example seems to be in unrequited and undeclared love with her best friend so anxiety over plans with her lead to meltdowns. We adore her but we are exhausted and worried and also the constant yelling is very hard on DD no.2 (17). DD 1 definitely does not think she has problems with anxiety or anger and strongly believe I try to wind her up and her meltdowns are my fault. Anyone got similar? We try to avoid conflict and be loving as much as poss but it's so hard and I am not sure she will improve. We would NOT ask her to move out, we want to support her and she can't afford it and is studying in the evenings which we are happy to help her with. So no 'tough love'

Has anyone had similar... would love just support as only husband and a couple of close relatives see the problem and we feel alone and worried

Hello. We have similar with our eldest daughter but it is definitely hormone related. Also hard on our youngest. Her Dad is rather ‘Italian’ in character so I think there is a genetic factor in there as well.

Hi OP, just a really quick message as I need to put the kids to bed... I work with parent Carers and this is a similar description to many parents with daughters who have ASD (including many who have had late diagnosis or no diagnosis).
Firstly, as a family you have done remarkably well to get your daughter to this point. It’s a massive acheivement. Secondly, a diagnosis may not be acheivable now BUT support should be. You can apply for PIP even without a diagnosis if her additional needs mean they have a significant impact on her life. Get advice from CAB or a Carers centre if you have one.
The Girl with the Curly Hair is a good resource as it is founded by a young woman with ASD. You can find her website by typing in that title.
If she feels she would like a diagnosis, you can start the process again by going to your GP or paying privately (expensive I know). Diagnostic pathways for girls have come on and they may be more open to making a diagnosis.

Hi, not sure if this helps but my experience; I'm female nearly 40 and a few months ago realised I had a lot of symptoms of 'Aspergers in Women'. At first I really thought I just had a number of these traits but then I realised that when I was melting down (exactly as you describe and always at home with my dp) was triggered by certain things.

Example: He would ask me to do something on my way to work. I would say that I couldn't because I didn't go that way to work. He would as me to go out of my way. I would repeat that I could not. He would push, insisting I was being obtuse, and I would explode, scream, throw plates, cry, yell abuse. Anyway I wonder if you could either try to note yourself what triggers your dds rages/meltdowns (might be hard) or discuss it with her and ask her to notice what they are. I also realised that just noise (especially repeated noise) makes me react. If something stands out that matches descriptions perhaps she will be more open to considering help/a diagnosis? Just a thought. Good luck!

PS I absolutely believed my meltdowns were my dps fault until I read about Aperger meltdowns and not being able to cope with change to routine. Now I do still partially blame him because I ask him to stop talking and he does not. It's like he's poking at me with every word.

Brandnewstart thank you... it is easy to blame yourself when your child is unhappy. Thank you for your support which made me shed a happy tear on a stressful evening. We have worked so hard to understand DD and show her unconditional love however she behaves. And we are incredibly proud of her as she is making such a success of her life already, despite her anxieties. But she is often unhappy. Bamboozled (sorry... I don't know how to tag you) your perspective is great. I actually agree that sometimes it is our fault when she melts down. My husband has social communication difficulties too and often persists in giving her information in situations where she is at her limit and I can see she needs to be left alone. However I feel so bossy as all I ever seem to say to him is 'leave her for now' and he's such a loving dad and feels criticised. But DD is very rational and makes good decisions IF LEFT TO CHILL. Did your diagnosis get suggested by others? Unfortunately my DD has negative views of having ASD herself (she is very accepting of others with ASD) as one of her obsessions is fitting in and being part of the 'cool crowd' (she is very successful indeed at this but I fear it really adds to her stress levels). Were you upset at the idea of ASD? Did you feel angry if people suggested it? It seems unethical of me to raise it with DD as professionals said no to a diagnosis. But I am certain they were wrong and I just want my baby girl to have a happy life.

@brandnewstart @bamboozled just seeing if I can tag you in this..see my reply ^^