Aspie meltdown? Help

[WaverleyOwl]

I've been referred for assesment due to my sensory issues, anxiety and MH history, but I'm pretty sure that I'm on the spectrum, probably Aspergers. I think my oldest (DS8) is too, and this has kicked off a lot of things for our family, one of which is acknowledging that my behaviour is not exactly normal as a parent.

Yesterday things all got a bit much. My younger DS (5) hurt his foot, trapping it in a door, which was so painful that he was screaming and crying pretty much constantly for an hour. I'm usually good with hurt children, but his screaming didn't stop. I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't deal with it very well - there was shouting and me not coping. On top of that my DS (8) was asking about going to a friends house, and basically, it all got too much.

Even after my younger DS was feeling better (was about to add irrelevant details of his injury here, but suffice it to say that he was screaming up until the point that my DH could relieve the blood pressure under his nail using a paperclip heated to being red hot - see, irrelevant details) I was on edge, to the point that my DH using the wrong tone with the dogs had me screaming and crying. There might have been door slamming and me hiding in my room with my velvet (I have a velvet blanket that soothes me when I rub it on my face - odd for a 40yo? Hmm).

I love my boys, but spend most of my time trying to avoid them and hide in my room. This isn't normal, is it? How the hell can I be a better parent when I can't even deal with these normal issues? I'm just glad my DH was around to help and diffuse things. If he hadn't, my poor boys would have really been in trouble.

I have read so much about parenting children with ASD (which I think my DS is), but so little on mums with ASD. I'm hoping for a diagnosis soon for me and my DS (8), but what can help me in the meantime?

I feel stressed the whole time, I don't know how to handle my DS(8), and my health is suffering. Plus, I work 30hrs a week, and have been given dispensation to work from home because of my anxiety, but if it is linked to something larger (ASD), what can I expect? Is it treated differently if you have a diagnosis?

I'm just really screwed up - for 40yrs I've just felt like I've been wrong and out of step. If there is a reason for this, how to I alter my worldview? How do I help my children?

Sorry that no one's replied yet, these boards are a bit slow.

It's good you're being assessed

It depends who you work for but yes, they should make disability accommodations if they can. It depends entirely on you and your profile and needs, and what the job allows though.

You might be able to have an Access To Work assessment after diagnosis where they can make more recommendations.

There's a SN chat area where you might be able to get advice on parenting too.

Thank you Ardant for taking the time to reply. I wasn't sure where to post and am feeling rather lost at the moment. Lots of help for parents looking for help with their children. Less for parents with their own issues. Maybe SN Chat would be better, as you suggest.

3 months ago whilst googling 'being an introverted mum' I came across a description of aspergers in women and it was like reading about myself. I was trying to understand how I ever wanted a family given I don't like spending time with others! I have realised/noticed since then that I have rages and meltdowns provoked mostly by noise or if I am trying to do things and there's an interruption I can't focus and it upsets me hugely. My 3 year old has come upstairs and said to me it's ok Mummy come back down whilst I am crying. I totally get that feeling of this can't be normal parenting. I wasn't keen on having another and now I don't see how I would cope. I hide a lot too. It makes me feel so calm. Yet I am essentially ignoring my child.

I can't answer as to what you can do I'm afraid but just wanted to share my experience as it felt similar. I hope you can find some answers from your referal.

Thank you, Bamboozled, that sounds exactly like me! I was so determined to have children I went through IVF twice. I just didnt realise that my calm life would be so shattered by having children. I have to say, my second child is the light of my life. If I hadn't had him I would just think I was a shit parent that couldn't control my older child. DS2 is a delight and shows me that DS1 and I are the ones out of step. Still, I feel like a shit mum due to my need for solitude.

I remember when DS1 still had birthday parties. His last one was when he turned 5. We had it at home as I thought this would be easier, not realising most of the parents would stay. I ended up stressed out of my mind trying to manage socialising with parents I didn't know and help with the party. The next day I couldn't get out of bed I was so exhausted. It was like a social hangover. I'm dreading August, as DS2 turns 6 and wants a party desperately. I need to do it for him, but it will kill me.

I hate that my children know the phrase "Mummy needs alone time" so well, and that my bedroom has a lock on it so that I can get it.

It's really lovely to hear that about your DS2. A party sounds hard, you're such a great Mum to be giving that even though you know it will take it's toll on you. Do you have family that can help? Maybe you need to 'nip to the shops' for something you've run out of in the middle of the party, whilst someone else holds the fort.

Please know that you are doing a great job under hugely challenging circumstances. It is hard. I am doing much better because my dd is in nursery and I quit my part time job for other health reasons. Having the head space on my own is what helps me. I realise that might be hard for you to get but if you could schedule in a bit of alone time it might help prevent you feeling burnt out. Apologies if I'm stating the obvious I know it's not easy when you are working and have a bigger family.

I think we are all aspie. ds definitely is. dd is on the list for assessment, I am hoping to get on the list.

I have had meltdowns at my mother who will not shut up. (she is ill) such that we had to go with two adults (ds needs constant supervision and I need time to sit in peace. )

ds shuts himself in the front room. I used to shut myself in teh car til they found my hiding place.

I explain to mine that I have sensory overload and I need to go and be on my own so I do not accidently get cross at them for something that is not their fault. ds needs to go and be qiet for sensory overload too, unfortunatly he sometimes chooses to do that right above my head and tap and bump on the floor. which. does. NOT. help.