Parenting tips for those of us with ASC

[MattBerrysHair]

Inspired by another mumsnetter on the spectrum who is struggling, I thought it would be a good idea to have a thread where we can discuss what we're struggling with as parents, and give tips and advice to make parenting easier.

To start, I wish I'd used earplugs at night when my dc's were still in my room. Their snuffling and wriggling kept me awake for hours and I'd cry in exhausted desperation. It didn't occur to me to use earplugs until Ds2 was 3 months old!

Good idea!

For babies, put them somewhere safe like their cot & walk away when they and you are having a meltdown. It won’t hurt them to be left for a short time upset & it might enable you to get the meltdown / stress out the way quicker. Obviously a short time is something like 10/15 minutes not three hours.

Junk food is your friend! The occasional crap meal or junk snack won’t hurt and used sparingly is a great behaviour manipulator... there is no shame in it.

My most important tip is be honest about being autistic and how it manifests. This can be done in age appropriate language and makes sure a child doesn’t blame themselves for things out with their control.

I wish I'd been told that I didn't have to be a perfect parent. Not perfect doesn't equal wrong, it equals good enough. The guilt worry I felt about using shop bought jars of baby food instead of home-made was daft. I was exhausted and using jarred food meant I wasn't overstretching myself. If only I could have accepted that at the time.

I'm with you on the perfect parent thing, I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself in the early days. I was a wreck with my nerves but I used to force myself to go out and meet people and it didn't do me any good. How do you find meeting up with other mums? I've struggled due to not really being able to make small talk and my anxiety. I wish there was a meet up group for parents on the spectrum, that would be lovely :)

I did actually explain to my dds (10 and 6) a few weeks ago why I react the way I do sometimes. I felt I was pushing them away and they didn’t know why but now they understand that sometimes I don’t like to be touched or can’t cope with a certain noise or need 15 minutes alone time to calm myself and they know it’s not them but just the way I am feeling on that particular day. I was loathe to involve them but I think it was a good thing.

I've had to be open with ds9 and ds6 about needing time to regroup. The eldest is quite an anxious boy at times and is likely to see my need to be alone as a rejection if him. I had to explain autism to him or I risked making him feel terrible.

I wish I hadn't forced myself to go to baby groups as I hated them and really struggled. I told myself that I absolutely had to go for the benefit of my dc, but looking back they probably wouldn't have suffered greatly for not going. A happy mum was probably more important than baby socialisation!

I completely agree with you. I found baby groups so stressful because of the noise and social pressure. So glad that those days are over!

Me too. I remember being a nanny in my early 20s and hating them too. That’s apart from always being on my own and feeling like a social outcast because no one ever spoke to me. Hated hated hated it all.

I’ve found certain parenting books really helpful in giving me guidance on how to do the things I find hard, mostly around theory of mind and empathy. “Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting” and “Raising Human Beings” are my top two.

One absolutely vital piece of information that seemed to have passed me by until 4ish yeas ago was that it's OK to say no to anyone. If it's not convenient or enjoyable then you are not obligated to say yes to anything.

I was brought up to be compliant, amenable and pleasing at all costs, to the detriment of my mental health and the wellbeing of my dc as a knock on effect. From reading around the subject, it's not uncommon for women with ASC to exhibit similar traits to those I've described. I had a huge problem realising that being polite was not more important than my wellbeing, and would take on tasks that I should really have declined. Life is much less stressful now.

^^And that includes saying 'no' to my dm. That was a very difficult lesson to learn!