ASD and need to make friends or get to know neighbours

[SingaSong12]

I have ASD, adult diagnosed so no help at all with social skills. I have physical illness (nosebleeds) and disability which means that at times it would be necessary or maybe vital for someone to be able to get into my flat. At the moment supported by my parents who are great but I need to reach out. I just can't.
My mother (completely gregarious) says she thinks I would rather die then ask for help and I'm not sure she isn't entirely correct. I could contact professionals (GP/999) but not next flat.
I've been social groups/classes and can talk about the class/choir but not beyond that to real friendships.

Please tell me I'm not stupid and it is hard - I feel a mixture of stupidity and fear. Also any tips?

It is hard and you are absolutely not stupid.

Also you have the catch 22 of you don't know that you could trust your neighbours because you haven't got to know them well, so no way should they be trusted with your key until you could be sure they are okay.

If you may need emergency assistance, have a look on your Council website. Ours sent something out last week about asking to be informed of vulnerable people so they could make sure they had all the help they should have.

Look into having a Keysafe system installed. Your local Council should have a person who deals with vulnerable people and should be able to tell you all about the various things available like a keysafe and an alarm you can wear around your neck etc.

It is really hard. However, I've found that some neighbours will have skills that can help you compensate on a social front. I started just being friends with one neigbour who is a nurse and is amazingly empathic and kind. Then through her I have met more neighbours. It helps that I have children, so they have friends who live on our street.

It's very scary to try to make the first contact, but I found that it was actually a lot easier than I thought. With most neighbours I follow a script - Smile, say "hello" then comment on anything unusual (e.g. at the moment "did you see the snow?" and then say "Well, have a nice day". In the gaps, you listen to their reply and wait for them to stop talking before moving on.

Good luck.

Singalong, of course you aren't stupid. Quite the opposite. Most people don't bother to think until something goes wrong.

I was the same. I thought it would be easier to approach older neighbours because if they are retired, they would have the time. Also they've lived longer so tend to be more understanding.
If you live in a rural area, have a look in the parish mag, some parishes have a village support group.
I solved it in the end by slicing my hand open on a mandolin, needed to make sure my ds was safe before I fainted, and ending up on a neighbours doorstep. By the time I'd come round, she'd patched me up, left my ds playing with hers and made me a cuppa. It worked but I wouldn't recommend it.

How are things now OP? I’m like you. I’m not stupid either and yes, it IS hard.

I can do short conversations here and there but to see someone 3/4 times a week, do coffee or a night out? No.

I’m married and a good deal older than you, I suspect. I met my DH online. Can you reach out online? It was impossible for me to join groups but one to one, I’m OK.

Do you have any skills like cooking or baking or making things. Can you start by leaving a little homemade gift for your neighbors with a note saying, Hi, I'm your new neighbor at ..... Then maybe follow up by introducing yourself a week or so later. That gives you some time and them some time to get used to the idea.

Also, we have this new thing in the US called NextDoor.com. It's a website for interacting with your neighbors. I think it's available in the UK and it's free. If there isn't a site in your neighborhood, you can start one. I'm seeing that in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, that people are reaching out for help online AND getting it, and many of these are people like yourself who are shy and might not feel comfortable reaching out in person initially. Through the website, I have done the following for complete strangers: loaned a bicycle rack, a tall ladder, fishing rods, and scanned a bunch of photos, given advice on health insurance, given away free fruit and plants from my garden etc. I work from home and have connected with people on my street who would not have reached out otherwise and now keep an eye on their house when they are out of town, or collect their packages, let them use my phone when they got locked out of their house. It replaces what might have happened at the local barbershop or the corner store.