ASD and friendships

[MattBerrysHair]

If you have an ASD what do your friendships look like?

I've had lots of friendships over the years, but they don't last once l/they move towns/jobs etc. as I don't put in the effort needed to sustain them. Currently I have 3 very good friends and I know I run the risk of losing them if I don't put myself out there and instigate regular contact.

I used to be more motivated with socialising and would enjoy seeing the few friends I had, but since having a breakdown 4 years ago it has become much harder. I'm out of practice and the social hangover is more difficult as a result. In the past I had low self-esteem and worried that I would be considered a pest by contacting people to meet up, not really knowing whether people really liked me or not, so I would leave it to them to contact me.

Now I've worked through those issues in therapy I realise there is probably more to it. I'm trying to work out why I don't give more of myself. The thought 'I must text x for a catch up' pops into my head nearly every day, but I don't act on it. I don't miss people the way others seem to, but that doesn't mean I don't care about or like them.

I can't work out if I shy away from friendships because I find socialising very taxing and don't have the energy required to sustain them, or whether I simply don't have the need the way other people do. I care about other people's feelings and will end up instigating contact eventually out of duty and guilt rather than because I want to.

Bump

I had maybe one proper friend at school plus some other acquaintances/friends. I left school four years ago and haven’t had a huge amount of contact with them since.
I made two friends at university. One I don’t speak to so much as she’s a bit introverted (like me) plus she has mental health issues (depression), one I do speak to (on facebook) but she is definitely extrovert so it’s part of her nature.
There have been some people who I’ve wanted to befriend but due to my anxiety/self-esteem issues I haven’t been able to; I worried that we wouldn’t have anything in common, that they would find me too weird etc.

I had one good friend at school, who I still speak to. I have a few friends now who are on my course at university, of them two are pretty extroverted and message a fair bit on Facebook, so I keep up with them. Apart from that most of my close friends are extended family and I have one very good friend in Australia who I sporadically message over Facebook.

I sometimes feel like communicating with people takes such a huge effort. It's not that I don't care about them, but my brain can go from 'must message x' to picturing then having to have a conversation with x and trying to work out whether I have got enough mental energy to spend on that. Fortunately for me, most of my old friends know me well enough to know that I care about them, even if I take forever to respond to messages.

I feel like, I like spending time with the friends I have, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for it. I often feel like I'm missing out on some level of emotional understanding other people seem to have. Like I find it very difficult to get to know people. It's pretty rare for me to feel like I miss someone, but it does happen at times. I also a bit wary of friendships, because there have been the odd occasion where friendship has morphed into an obsession with the person.

Iam I used to feel like an outsider looking in as well. It can take me years to feel comfortable with someone and I would observe friendships blossom between people over the course of a few weeks and feel so envious that I didn't have the skill to do it. I don't feel that way now and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I've just accepted that it just doesn't happen like that for me, or if I've repressed the part of me that requires social contact.