Help! What if I never meet someone because of my ASD?

[toffee1000]

Basic info: am 21, suspected I've had ASD for years (won't go into why right now), never had any kind of relationship whatsoever. Don't have a dx but am looking to get one soon (once I've left university).
I am fully aware that I'm only young and have ages to find someone etc, but to be honest I can't see it happening any time soon.
Due to a combination of ASD/low self-esteem I cannot really even imagine myself in a relationship, or even meeting anyone who'd get on with me enough to begin one. People tend to advise stuff like "oh join a hobby group!" but I don't really have that many- I have some ASD obsessions but they aren't really things you do in a group.
I have had situations in the past when I've really wanted to get to know someone/become friends, but haven't been able to make that step, mainly because I perceive that we're too different personality-wise to make a go of it.

Quick anecdote: during the summer holidays after my first year of university, my friend came to stay. Somehow my ASD came up in conversation, I gave her a list of symptoms and she said "yep that's you". Not in a nasty way at all! But this was after we'd been friends a year, and she had clearly noticed I was a little "different".

Added to all this is that relationships just sound so bloody complicated! If we all find it hard to talk to strangers/dislike social situations, how do we even meet people? Sometimes I think "oh yeah I can imagine myself with a DP and DC" but other times I just think that it won't happen for several years if ever...

I figure also that I should also try and improve my self-esteem somewhat before beginning any kind of relationship. Not becoming 'perfect' but just having a better opinion of myself.

So, I guess the question is, what's your relationship like? I'm aware it may be a broad question. How did you meet your OH? Etc...

I met my dp through work and we were also sharing a house so we sort of fell together! A lot of autistic people seem to meet online these days, but you obviously have to be careful.

I think both Luke Jackson and Robyn Steward have written books for autistic people of your age'ish which covers this sort of stuff.

Met DH online in a general chat room. Met him irl when I was brave enough to attend my best friends meet up party. We just clicked. Totally unexpected.

OK. Can I just ask what it's like day-to-day? I can imagine an initial meeting fine, but it's once things get intense/into a proper relationship that I'm worried about. Just that I've seen posts from those who have autistic partners and they mention how hard it is, communication is difficult etc. I know people only post about the bad stuff on MN, but it's not very positive reading.

It will be different for everyone. If you know you are autistic I reakon you have a better chance. You just need to cut yourself some slack and squire coping mechanisms as you go.

I've been with DH for 16 years and only found out a year ago that I'm likely aspie. (Im
In the eternal system for diagnosis ATM)

We share a lot of interests and although he isn't autistic he has a few traits, enough for him to understand me. We've both learnt to adapt to each other's quirks as we go.

It's not easy but marriage never is. We have love, patience and respect and we are both willing to adapt.

So do people think 2 aspies are a good match? Yes? No? It depends?

It probably depends. We are both prone
To depression and that has been horrific. There was a period of about 18 months were everything went to shit and we were totally powerless. If the rough times hit you both simultaneously it's incredibly difficult. We got through it but it was horrible. Rough times have been far easier when one could
Support the other.

So do people think 2 aspies are a good match? Yes? No? It depends? smile

We're both autistic and I think it works well for us, we've created our own little world in the house and totally understand the shitty things that come with asd like meltdowns and being overwhelmed so don't have to explain we just "get it"

I'm autistic and my partner is not. We've just bought a house together . He's pretty much as far from autistic as you get and his excellent communication and social skills mean he is able to bridge the gap caused by my non existence in this area.

We have pretty much developed our own language which we talk when alone and he doesn't think this is at all weird! We both laugh a lot, together or at our differences and he is my world. He knows what sensory triggers calm me down when I'm on the verge of a meltdown (light touch to my back) and is happy to talk out situations that I don't quite understand.

We met at work, became friends first, I left the job and then we got together. Apparently he was waiting until he could tell I was ready before making a move (8 months from first meeting) and thought it was attractive that I'm different and don't try and conform to social norms. He also does not give two hoots what other people think!

I had a pretty disastrous dating life trying to meet someone first (wasn't aware of autism at first) and he came with me to my diagnostic appointment (less than 8 weeks in). But the friends approach definitely worked for my autistic tendencies; I didn't even consider the romantic aspect of our relationship and grew to trust him completely as he always respected my boundaries. By the time we went on our first date we just laughed the whole time at the ridiculous lack of need for a first date and we never bothered going out again after that; just chilled out and developed things at home where I was more comfortable. This was only possible because of the depth of the friendship we already had.

So I highly recommend becoming friends with people first. And also there are definitely lovely, understanding people out there (autistic or not). But do things at your own speed and don't let anyone rush you, the right person will wait. Hope that helps.

Oh I can definitely imagine becoming friends with someone first. The whole idea of something like online dating is just not me at all. From what I've read you have to have a v thick skin, and it sounds difficult enough even if you are neurotypical!

Oh yes I don't recommend it for us types!!! I tried it before I knew about ASD and it's brutal! I never understood any of the game playing and rules!!!