In Debt and feeling silly and ashamed..

[CashFlowCrisis]

I've name changed for this as I feel embarrassed and silly. I am undergoing assessment for ASD having recently been through the process with DD which led to her diagnosis, I realised it may just be why I have felt I have been walking through treacle all my life!
A mixture of things has meant I am now in debt - lots of it. I didn't realise how much until I added it all up, it will take years to pay off. my lack of ability to budget (or stick to a budget), being really impulsive, lack of planning have all contributed I think (though these may just be excuses). When I was younger if I got into debt I could just work extra hours to clear it, however now I have DC's and particularly with DD having autism I work very part time and can't increase my hours. DD doesn't sleep well at all so I feel constantly exhausted. My partner works full time and does overtime where possible.
I don't even know what the debt is from. Food shopping. Petrol. Days out where we wanted to treat the DC's. I'm really panicking. The good thing is the debt is on interest free cards and I can meet minimum payments and have budgeted to start slowly paying more to pay them off. I've posted in this topic though as I think I need help to:
Stop impulsive spending (I really need tips on how to do this!)
Stop talking myself into spending (DC's need it/deserve a treat etc)
How to tell DC's we can't afford it! Especially when they say friends are doing it/have it etc.
I know it sounds simple, I just need to stop spending money. I feel too silly putting this in the money section, but hoping someone here will understand?

Have a look on this site. The calculator will help you see where all the
money is going and you'll soon see you're not the only person in your situation.
www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Thanks blankmind that's really useful. I'll try re-posting in the money section if I pluck up the courage.

We're crap with money and have had lots of debt but now have a manageable, though I accept different people have different ideas of lots, but the kind where you just add to it by living due to the payments.

I liked using a debt snowball plan rather than the whole paying off the one with the least interest you pay off the smallest first, then use that money to pay off the next smallest and up.

I've accepted there won't be a stop to the impulsivity but I give myself cooling off periods and find the desire often fizzles out. So putting loads in online shopping baskets but not going through with it. I too like to spoil the kids. I grew up poor and obviously there's a legacy to that.

Everything always feels better once you face up to it rather than ignoring it. I am discovering those joys. Like yesterday I got a call for something to fix in the house, usually I put things off to mentally prepare but I okayed it for today and it's been better because it's not hanging over me and I feel really proud of myself!

That's another thing. Feeling proud of yourself for doing things that are hard for you but normal to others is absolutely allowed and should be celebrated. Over the past few years I've transformed from someone who felt like a failure as a human being to someone who can accept things are harder and I can celebrate that or retreat if I have to and it's just a different way of living.

Being "out of control" with money has a lot of shame attached to it for reasons I could absolutely pontificate on mostly around class and Protestantism! But you don't have to take that on board. So what if you're shit with money! So what! We get around 70 years on this earth and then we're done! Take back control, but there's no shame in my opinion.

Thank you so so much for your message AntiQuitted I sound so very similar to you, and your post has made a lot of sense.
I really like the idea of paying off the smallest debt first and then using that payment to help pay off the next one, that makes a lot of sense. I will also try your online shopping plan! I have already deleted amazon off my phone so I can't do late night ordering random stuff (always a dangerous time for me as it seems to make sense that I really need something at midnight!) Thank you

I find it really hard not to fritter money. I don't spend on big things and not on myself. Like you it's stuff for the kids.
There are loads of frugal threads on MN, under credit crunch I think. You don't need to post, just lurk for ideas.
I tried writing down everything I spent and that has helped, although I didn't do it for long.

It may be worth making a list of cheap or free days out and seeing these as just a big a treat for the DC as an expensive one.

Working costs a lot of money I think - direct costs like clothes, petrol, lunches and indirect like picking up ready meals or easy food on the way home when you are knackered. I keep trying to take lunch in like my colleagues but find the extra organisation needed hard.

I'm also more likely to buy things out of guilt for the kids when I am tired and grumpy so that's one to watch.

I keep multipacks of drinks from Lidl or Aldi in the boot of the car which works out much cheaper than from the garage. I try not to do a little shop in M&S as I spend a fortune so go to a cheaper shop first if I am going to M&S to buy the only ravioli DD will eat.

I am rubbish at budgeting, don't open bank statements and don't even like discussing finance with poor DH.

Some great tips there Gin (fab username!) - love the list of free days out for the kids.
Also I've realised I spend quite a bit on work days - if I'm running late (always!) then the work car park is extortionate, so I plan to set an alarm to make me leave 20 mins earlier to park and walk the last bit.
I think I'll write down what I spend for a while. Lack of organisation is a biggie, I can't supermarket shop for toffee (ends up looking like ready steady cook random assortment!) so things like multi packs of drinks and snacks is a good idea.
I swing between not opening bank statements and being in complete denial there's a problem, to becoming obsessed and staying up all night trying to think of a way to fix it! If I get an idea in my head I need to do something (diy project for example) I need to do it right now despite not having the money.
Thanks so much for your post, it's good to know I'm not alone

Something that has helped with shopping in the past is a meal plan. I used to have a 2 week plan and shop for what was on the plan.

There are some here but they include lunch and pudding but I could only manage evening meals

www.mumsnet.com/food-content/family-meal-planner

I'm sure lots f people on this board recognise the avoiding something or getting obsessed with it. I'm waiting for the shops to open today so I can buy pots for the garden. The rest of the house is a tip and I should be doing that really

Ha, I'm waiting for the garden centre to open today as I am obsessed with sorting the garden at the moment. It's all I can think of!!
I'll check out the meal planning, thank you