"Just a little bit" on the spectrum.

[tobee]

So dd and I did the RDOS test. Her result was almost exactly half and half. We chatted last night and she was a bit teary because she wants to be "normal". I know everyone has deal with their own traits, lives, mental wellbeing etc but she says she finds it hard that she's not really obviously different and people will think she is just odd. Does anyone else relate to this? Being half neuro typical/half neuro diverse.

Also dd says she has no vanity and wishes she did have some, to learn how to make the best of herself. Again, any thoughts?

I can relate to your daughter. I think the main thing is to think so what if she's odd? And how do you define odd anyway? I'm a SAHM who plays Dungeons&Dragons (or would if DS would sleep). Anyway, doubt we'd have railways or computers or smartphones if no one wad a bit odd.

Thank you for your reply! I actually wrote an original post which included how I think what she describes as "odd" about herself comes across to me, her better teachers and my adult friends etc as quirky, unusual, thought provoking and a breath of fresh air. I managed to erase that post and when I re wrote I thought I'd focus on what she says she feels rather what I feel! But she worries about her peers opinions. I also think it's pretty common for people in their late teens and early 20s etc to worry about their place in the world but she just sees them as all fitting in easily. I feel sad that she wants to change herself but sympathise and hope she comes to terms with herself piece by piece.

Bet her peers think the same thing. That everyone fits in easily and they are the only ones who don't.

Exactly! But she doesn't fully believe me. Because I'm her mum she thinks I just say things to make her feel better.

Well, to an extent, of course you do, but that doesn't mean they aren't true. How does she think she's odd?

Lots of ways. She says it's odd she's nearly 22 and everyone else goes out socialising clubbing etc. And she mainly stays in her ( university) room playing the Sims. But she has two good friends she sees quite a bit. But one of those is the kind of person who makes friends very easily. Which worked out well for dd but dd just compares herself unfavourably. Dd also wants to have a bf. But I pointed out that that same friend has a bf that dd had been telling me was a horrible user. I think she's done much better than my fears at university on the social side, although I wish she'd made an effort to go to more union societies so you make friends incidentally and conversation can be about that society rather than small talk. But she's nearly finishing. She responds well to a full timetable imposed on her iyswim, rather than a week with only 8 hours of lessons. I hope the busy days will come with a job.

That sounds like me at uni right down to the outgoing friend with the awful bf. I wonder if there is a scifi society or gaming society? There are so many nerds out there and most of them are pretty nice and very able to understand where she is coming from. I know, I married one.

Hmm, are you my dd talking from the future?!

Yes, they're are quite a few nerdy blokes out there. It's definitely more acceptable in society for males.

I'm with the nerdy people thing. I've always been into my games, sci if and books. It's far more acceptable these days and is a great way to meet people. As much as I hate stereotypes I have always found more people who don't fit into conventions or are socially awkward at events centred around geeky pastimes. Im Married to a huge geek and the few people I'm comfortable with are all into sci-fi, gaming, books, fantasy etc.

The advantage of some of these things is that something like a board game, film or book club is fantastic because there is a big focus on the game/film/book so it takes away the awkward small talk crap. You can end up talking to people without realising because you just get into a conversation about something you love which is much easier.

Also if she loves the sims there is a massive and very friendly simming community online. There are forums on the official sims site as well as on the sims community website. Searching sims on twitter also brings up a tonne of people. Some are you tubers, some are custom Content creators and some are just gamers. If she wants to socialise a bit without the pressure I'd recommend it.

tobee, I hope your daughter finds her people sooner than I did. I had to move to a whole other country before I found them.

btw, if she is interested, there is a great program on iplayer radio called geek musique which I am thoroughly enjoying.

Are that sounds interesting ISay.

Another thing that's come up. Dd and I just had a stupid row/meltdown (about swimming goggles believe it or not). After working through it I just asked if dd recognises when they are happening and would she be able to remove herself from this, and decompress? She said no, because she can't let it go. But I wonder if any of you wise ones have done this I.e worked out a strategy. Thank you.

Hello, I'm Faith. Diagnosed with ASD last year at 34.

I think realising you're 'neuro-diverse' as an adult is a strange process. You can have spent years trying to blend in to society, wondering why you fail at being 'normal'. Since I realised I probably have ASD (it took 18 months to be diagnosed for me), waiting for assessment was almost like going through the stages of grief. Anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.
Angry: 'Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal?' (this, a lot, even before I was diagnosed). The denial comes and goes even now I've been diagnosed!

I think with your DD, she'll be coming to terms with a lot of thoughts. She probably will find life a bit easier as she gets older. It gets more 'acceptable' to stay in after a certain age. I have no qualms about declining invites as an adult!

Re the meltdown. Mine tend to be time sensitive. DH has learnt that he can't ask me big questions late in the evening, if I'm really tired or if I'm hungry! He'll get a more rational decision if he asks me another time. Yes my thinking is rigid but I'm more open to stuff when I'm relaxed and energised.

I would encourage her to consider getting assessed, it should be far easier to access assessment via her uni. Knowing I have ASD has really helped me. I'm far kinder to myself. I make allowances for myself. I recently refused an invite to something I could make - free evening in my calendar but I knew I'd be too tired based on the rest of the week. Previously I'd have agreed to go then probably ended up flaking. I've also had counselling with a counsellor who understands my diagnosis and was really good at helping me talk things through.

Thanks for the kind words of advice.

See, this just backs up what I tell dd about aspies being very lovely in my experience.

Yes dd definitely wants to be assessed. Unfortunately, she's about to start her last term at university and has just her finals left. But... that is all she has plus revision (and any socialising). Therefore, I'm going to press hard for her to see the wellbeing folk at uni; to get things in motion. I know their careers people keep in contact with students for 3 1/2 years after you graduate so she could do it in tandem with them maybe.