How to help Mum - Aspergers when you are over 60

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Hello - I am currently on hold to NAS helpline and trying to find useful info online. My mother is 66 and is currently trying to find out how to go about getting assessed as she believes she may be autistic - probably HF/ Aspergers.

I think she might well be - it has become a topic of discussion in our family as two of my children have been given a HF ASD diagnosis in the last couple of years and Mum sees many parallels between my daughter and herself in terms of social difficulties and the way she sees the world etc.

I can see how Mum would like the certainty that a diagnosis would give her - the explanation as to why she finds life so very hard and why she has been so depressed and relationships have been disastrous. I also think it would help me to forgive Mum for her many foibles and the strained relationship I have with her. She is a difficult person to have as a parent and I love her but sometimes don't like her very much - not her fault I think.

So she has been to her local GP and asked about getting a diagnosis the doctor just seemed to think there was no point and mum being very bad at being a) persistent and b) persuasive ... meekly went away and is now not sure what to do.

I just want to know how best to help her. I live 100s of miles away and have 3 kids needing a lot of my support and energy - but there must be resources that could help. Mum doesn't do the internet but is there a test I can print out that she could complete, books aimed at older people on the spectrum or other help? Telling her to go to a group is probably pointless she is very reticent about joining things, and spends hours analysing every social interaction until she convinces herself that everyone hates her and thinks she is stupid. I have spent my entire life trying to tell her everyone is a bit crap and too self obsessed to spend much time thinking about what she said to them at the library 2 years ago but ... [shrug]

I am not having any joy getting through to the NAS currently - I will look for a local group maybe - any way any suggestions would be amazing - thank you. I can help with children as I have plenty of experience now but for an OAP?! It seems more difficult.

Has she done the AQ test?
In this one, there's an option you could either read out over the phone or print out and let her score it, then you could input her answers and let her have the results. It's not a diagnosis, but it's a pretty decent indicator.
aspergerstest.net/aq-test/

The NAS should be able to give you more info and maybe suggest someone in her area who would give a private diagnosis (dx) I can't see the NHS funding a dx for her as it's not impacting her life or causing problems with employment where the employer needs to make reasonable adjustments.

Please don't call her an OAP, I'm sure she doesn't feel up to owning that label yet

If you could say which county she's in, maybe someone can give you a personal recommendation or suggest a different method of dx, some are less costly but are not the full medical dx, although enough for most people to have their suspicions confirmed.

Good Luck

Hello blankmind I shall speak to Mum and see what she thinks about the AQ test that is really helpful.

Private diagnosis might be tricky to fund, she really is an OAP. In the sense that for the 25 years since Dad died she has lived her life as a pensioner. She has not worked aside from a few short term child care roles and her life became less of a struggle when she was able to claim her pension and be 'retired' she has a very quiet life and is not someone who objects to being seen as a pensioner really - she is pretty hale and hearty physically - but the demands and expectations of the world she finds hard to deal with so she has been happier since some of those expectations have receded.

Thank you very much for your suggestions.

Thank you Poltergeist that Cos Michael site is very helpful. Even though its most informative about why there is such a dearth of useful information aimed at HF autistic adults! Which does make my difficulty more understandable. I am still trying to get through to NAS I suppose just after autism awareness week is a bad time to try!

I have some stuff to read and a book list from Cos Michael's site so that is really good. So a chat with Ma next. Things tend to move at a glacial pace or impulsive with her so I may be updating with progress this week or next decade!

Poltergoose! Sorry

It's hard for you trying to support at a distance but the GP really should refer on regardless of age. Depending on the area at 66 your mum can access either adult services or older adult depending on the issue. It's more likely that people will have been trained to screen for ASD in adult services though. Some services are "age blind" so it won't matter.

I can't see why it's any less useful at 66 than 36. As you say the relief of having some expectations lifted is helpful but there will be challenges ahead like health changes, navigating services, needing care, self care, having some connections in the community etc. If your mum and services know if she has ASD that can be helpful?

I haven't read this but I bet others here have and at least it mentions older women

wordery.com/women-and-girls-with-autism-spectrum-disorder-sarah-hendrickx-9781849055475?cTrk=NDQ3MDI4MjN8NThlMmI2MTVlOTBjODoxOjE6NThlMmI1ZTlhYjNmNTAuNDYwODE4NTQ6YjE5ZGY5ZTc%3D

I was finally successful getting through to the NAS! So they have given me a couple of numbers and are sending an info pack. I found it difficult printing off their website though. I also printed out the AQ10 and the Aspergers test which I will post to mum.

Spoke to mother as well she will do the tests and have a read of the resources. She doesn't want any books - she cannot get through a whole book these days - recipes are her max. I have advised she take her completed tests/ scores the next time she braves the GP (assuming they are high enough - I will be amazed if they are not!). But she might take herself off to the library to do some research.

Thank you for help/ suggestions

Mum is in mid wales so I have got some local info - but the groups are really focused on parents and carers and Young people. Not grumpy older women - which is kind of what I expected. I think she will run a million miles in the opposite direction if I mention a support group anyway!

Mum did the tests and has a high enough score to confirm what we suspect - that she is Autistic.

She found the questions they asked as revealing as her answers to them. The next steps (GP/ referrals) I will let her dictate the pace - I think she needs to be in the right frame of mind and feel that she has a purpose iyswim. That is going to be a longer process but she is still interested in talking about it and is always drawing parallels between her and my Aspie kids! The sad thing is how lonely she is and how hopeless she feels about finding love or friendship. I know there is help out there but she has to make the steps to get it herself, trying to make her has never ever worked. She has been a widow for a quarter of a century now - she is very set in her ways and that makes it hard for her to imagine a different way of living.