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Struggling - undiagnosed autism?? May be quite long sorry

28 replies

Kenworthington · 17/11/2016 19:50

Ok not sure where to start.
Maybe childhood.
Ok so I was painfully shy, socially awkward, anxious, had one friend who was disabled. (Not sure what it was- maybe some kind of general delay??). All through primary school I had no friends, I hated school, felt I was picked on all the time and bullied. I wasn't really looking back on it was just scared and intimidated by the popular kids

Moved to a new school aged 10-11- a feeder school for
The private secondary I was due to attend. Made a couple friends but at the same time started lying. For attention maybe. I couldn't stop. The lies were ridiculously far fetched. No one ever called me on it. I don't know why I Did it.

Secondary school- somehow in my head decided I was going to reinvent myself. All girls private school/ became quite bolshy and loud. Corresponded with puberty/ periods and all that. Lost virginity very very early. Continued to be very sexually active for many many years. Again Prob for attention, whatever.

Uni- no friends. I was unilaterally hated. I'm not exaggerating. They called me lady di and thought I was posh. Continued to sleep around. Which obv also marked me out.

Year 2 of uni I met who is now my dh and I felt like he totally saved me. I immediately stopped sleeping with random people (I'd never been faithful to any boyfriend ever before). After a year I was pg with ds1. As soon as I fell pg I couldnt 'do' sex. I totally withdrew. I still loved him etx but just couldn't do it. We had years of therapy, we managed to somehow get pg twice more. It was almost an animal thing. By that I mean I would feel like having sex just in order to get pg, each other time we had sex once and I got pregnant . Anyway I say all this as for the first time ever I can't do sex for fun. I have no feelings. It feels like I was waiting to find these perfect gene combination to make dc. (At this point I must add I was adopted as a baby so therefore my dc are my only blood relatives- I feel this must be relevant). I didn't even realise in my head I wanted dc. Anyways

So I have problems touching. I don't crave it. In fact I recoil from it. I don't like being hugged or touched or stroked. By anyone. I've learnt the social rules of what to do with friends. Dh is struggling. It's been an endless struggle. I love him but I have no need to touch/ kiss etx etx. I just can't do it. If I kiss him and his breath isn't completely minty fresh I can't bear it I really really can't bear it. Oh god I sound such a bitch.
Anyway also on top of all this this week it's all come to a bit if a head for me as 3 separate friends have said stuff about me obv being autistic and how I must know. They've all always known and just assumed I knew. Well no! I bloody didn't ! I thought it was everyone else quite frankly. I also have always had probs making eye contact talking to people. I mean I didn't realise I did it though people have always said that I close my eyes when I talk to them. I can't control it and I don't notice I'm doing it. A guy at my new job said about it today and I just feel so embarrassed and gutted. I feel like a fucking freak anx that they all think I'm weird. Like everyone I meet must thing I'm really odd. And there's seemingly nothing I can do about it. If you met me you'd think I was super confident. I love meeting and chatting to people and is the favourite thing about my (pretty crappy) job. But now I feel stupid. I just want to hide away. I could honestly cry (and I'm not a cryer). What can I do to make myself not seem so weird? I don't wnst people to notice all the weird shit about me OR I want to be able to control it so no one sees it: I don't know what the point of all this is. I just feel so I don't even know. Embarrassed mainly. Sorry it's so long

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Kenworthington · 17/11/2016 19:59

Oh god that was so long and I've got so much more to say about it. It's become a real problem

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Allofaflumble · 17/11/2016 22:23

I have a very similar sexual history to you. I also completely understand the breath/ minty fresh thing. Actually even minty fresh repels me these days. I now live alone but the thought of another person's smells is gross to me.

You going to try for a diagnosis? You sound like one of us. Wink Smile

Allofaflumble · 17/11/2016 22:25

PS. I'm a huge John Shuttleworth fan. I'm assuming your name refers to his agent and manager?

Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 08:59

Hey allofaflumble thank you for your reply. Thanks for wading through all the waffle.

Interesting you have a similar history. Wonder what that's all about. The funny thing is my eldest Ds has AS. And we massively clash. I also struggle with cuddling the dc which makes me feel so shit. Actually not so much with ds2 who gives quick hard hugs iykwim but dd is a total darlig and very very cuddly. I just can't hack it. She just does it for slightly too long for it to be comfortable. I feel such a butch as I am fighting every pore in my being to push her away 😢

Re diagnosis I don't know. I mean what would be the point now? I'm 41! I have more self awareness these days and with close friends I will say I'm not comfortable with xyz and they get it it's fine. But dh feels pushed out and in pretty sure dd must too. I actually felt really morose last night and went to bed early. I even had a cry (am not a crier! And also can't cope with/understand other people crying!). My mum said that when I was at primary school the headmaster wanted me to be referred to a child psychologist but my dad wouldn't allow it. Wonder how much different my life would be now if he had agreed. Do you have a formal diagnosis? There are so many more things I could say. But I'll try not to go on and on haha!

Yes of course- the Afro haired agent and manager. Have you seen John shuttle worth live? V v funny.

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 09:01

Oh and also my mum apparently said to my dh before we were married that she never thought I'd ever be able to live with anyone Shock maybe she may have known about me longer than myselfGrin

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PolterGoose · 18/11/2016 11:06

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Allofaflumble · 18/11/2016 11:35

Hi ken yes I have seen John Shuttleworth many times. I absolutely love him from when he was originally on Saturday Zoo in the 80s.

I do have a diagnosis, which I got a year ago aged 60. It helped me see the why of my life but not really changed anything else.

Unlike most of the other posters on this forum, I find myself alone, and I still dont know if I have just pushed people away or I've just been unlucky. I have had fairly long relationships but aside from a couple if clearly unhealthy ones, it would be related more to the problems of physical contact.

I can only put on a show of being "normal" for so long, before I find people's needs (sexual and affection) too conflicting and end things to save them from me! I tend to think obsessively about how they really want someone feminine or more fun - it is hard to explain. Basically I will sabotage it. I may have BPD too as have a history of anxiety/depression. I sometimes bang my head to get the shit out. Endless analysis and feelings of being divided.

The diagnosis has helped me forgive myself a bit more but I still feel very self critical and a lot of self hatred at times. It's an uphill battle and struggle.

Bit long winded, sorry.

Allofaflumble · 18/11/2016 11:42

Forgot to say why not join us on the main neuro diversity thread. We all post as and when and there is generally someone to empathize (and we are bloody good at empathising!, Despite our reputation😉).

It is a good place to offload with people who get it, when out in the world it gets hard to connect. 😊

Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 11:56

Thank you. Genuinely. I've had a really hard time this morning. Got into a masive shouting row with a guy at work. I've only been there a couple of months. A small team. I feel I've they've been trying to push me out since I arribed and yesterday something was said that was reported back to this guy. It was a joke. And it was obv a joke. I feel it was deliberately constructed to cause problems. Anyway the upshot is that I walked out in tears and won't be going back. I can't handle the confrontation and now the awkwardness that will ensue. I ended up shouting as he wa at listening and noone was backing me up. I was bloody in the right! So so upset and cross right now. One of my nice colleagues came and said we should all sit down and discuss it but I just can't. I just can't do it. And quite ridiculously I feel guilty about telling my boss (who's my actual real friend) and causing a rift even though it's not my fault! I've text her to explain and say I won't be coming back and now I'm stressing as she's not replying. I know in my head it's because she's busy with a customer but I can't help making it all about ME and how she's cross with me Blush

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 11:58

Ps what's the neuro thread? Could you link me to it please? Thanks

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 12:00

Pps she's replied and said please don't leave. And being a total fucking people pleaser I want to say ok yeah fine but I just can't. I don't want to! It's so awkward. All the upset and the fuxking confrontation and now they'll all think I'm a dick and clearly don. Like me anyway and I can't stand it arghh

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Allofaflumble · 18/11/2016 12:03

Sorry you are going through all this. Click on Mumsnetters with SN, then look about three threads down - Neuro diversity thread, sorry dont know how to link.

PolterGoose · 18/11/2016 12:04

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Allofaflumble · 18/11/2016 12:08

Thanks Polter.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/11/2016 12:14

Oh god I can relate! I'm not diagnosed and I don't think people would think I have it but I have been called weird, people think I am blunt etc but I honestly don't mean to be rude. Some take me as they find me and are totally ok with that others seem to be almost wary. I try to curb a lot of things like a get the urge to jump and flap about when i'm excited or happy and sometimes I do it but other times I restrain myself.

The sexual thing resonates. I never even realised. I didn't sleep around (issues with that) but I did a lot of other stuff with guys I knew and fancied at the time and wasn't particularly bothered by it. Then I met DH and at first I wanted sex at lot but then as we settled down I withdrew and I only wanted sex to get pregnant. When that happened I didn't want to know anymore and I don't actually want him even touching me. He gets and brief hug and bedtime and even then I want it to finish quickly. It's the totally opposite with the DCs though and I want to be close to them all the time. Except (and I hate myself for this) when DS does his certain touch where it's really really light. I literally cannot stand it. He used to hold my hand but it was really loose and I had to tell him to hold it properly (which I was fine with) or not at all. Or he would brush me lightly with his hand and I'd recoil. It's awful as I feel really bad. It's not him, it's the touch itself. I also cannot bear having the top of my head touched (unless I'm having my hair done). I hate people patting it. DS used to try and hold the top of my head when he was little and I was getting his shoes on or whatever and I would tell him off and to hold my shoulder instead. DH had a habit for years of walking in and patting my head if I was sat down and I fucking hated it and would tell him. It took ages to get him to stop fucking doing it!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/11/2016 12:16

I'm a bridge burner too. Is that a thing?

OP I would feel exactly the same as you with the job situation. I will do ashy thing to ashy thing void confrontation and sitting down and discussing it and sorting it out, I'd rather run away and hide. I lost my best friend because issues arose and rather tHan talk to her and deal with it (she wanted to talk to me) I cut her off. I do regret that now as she was one of the few people that got me and probably understood and got me with this.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/11/2016 12:17

Anything to avoid confrontation! Stupid keyboard is going all screwy!

Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 12:43

Harrypotter! Omg we're like actual (awkward) twins Grin I feel all this shit is getting harder. All of it.
Polter- that's a great bridge burning analogy. Did you just make that up? Impressive. I'm always biting the fu king bridges. If something happens I just need to walk away I can't deal with it like seemingly a normal person can. I feel like I need to say something to the guy maybe via emai kot something but I don't want them to think I'm more of a dick than they obviously do already. Also am furious with myself that I have somehow made them not like me and I want them to like me as in nice. Even though they've been horrible. I don't desperately need the job tbh. And it's been making me miserable for a while so perhaps it's good for me in the end. However I don't feel like it's finished like I want to say my pieces I maybe I should just message him or something. I dunno. What do you think?

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 12:43

Burning! Nor biting. Stupid sausage fingers

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PolterGoose · 18/11/2016 12:45

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 12:49

I can't ! I feel so awkward and too much has been said! And now I know boss friend has gone wading in there and almost certainly gone batshit at them. Which makes it all so much more than it could have been. Do you know what I mean? I've already text her a long winded message to say I'm not coming back and stating how I feel etx. She understands. She's lovely. It's the others who are c

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PolterGoose · 18/11/2016 13:17

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 17:51

Ok so I sent the following message to guy who I had the argument with. It took a lot of rereading and writing. He's not even seen it yet as sent it through messenger.

Hi XXX

Sorry for shouting this morning. I felt attacked and that you weren't listening to me. I can categorically say hand on heart that I didn't say that to ️XXX or anyone else for that matter. I was upset that you didn't belive me. XXX was there too and she will back me up- not just because she's my mate but because it's the truth. This is all probably a massive miscommunication but , ultimately, I felt ganged up on. I thought I was doing all I was meant to do at work and XXX certainly hasn't mentioned anything to me. I do have a communication disorder so can struggle with social stuff. I can't cope with confrontation and upset in any way. Or awkwardness. And this whole thing has made me feel awkward as hell. I know XXX is your friend and you will believe what he says to you and that's your choice but as far as I'm concerned he has been stirring up trouble and upset for his own end game (whatever that is). I don't know why and nor do I care. I enjoy chatting to the customers and believe that that's what I am good at, customer service. I'd like to believe XXX when she says we can all get past this and I can come back to work and everything will be fine. But I feel that this episode will only serve to cause more awkwardness and upset in the future. I've already said to ️XXX that I'm not coming back but I promised I'd think about it over the weekend. Which I will but I can't see myself changing my mind. You don't need to reply. I just wanted to apologise for shouting and to be able to say my piece.
Best wishes
XXXXX

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PolterGoose · 18/11/2016 18:06

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Kenworthington · 18/11/2016 18:09

Thanks. Am now panicking about his reply. Obvs Blush

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