Ok not sure where to start.
Maybe childhood.
Ok so I was painfully shy, socially awkward, anxious, had one friend who was disabled. (Not sure what it was- maybe some kind of general delay??). All through primary school I had no friends, I hated school, felt I was picked on all the time and bullied. I wasn't really looking back on it was just scared and intimidated by the popular kids
Moved to a new school aged 10-11- a feeder school for
The private secondary I was due to attend. Made a couple friends but at the same time started lying. For attention maybe. I couldn't stop. The lies were ridiculously far fetched. No one ever called me on it. I don't know why I Did it.
Secondary school- somehow in my head decided I was going to reinvent myself. All girls private school/ became quite bolshy and loud. Corresponded with puberty/ periods and all that. Lost virginity very very early. Continued to be very sexually active for many many years. Again Prob for attention, whatever.
Uni- no friends. I was unilaterally hated. I'm not exaggerating. They called me lady di and thought I was posh. Continued to sleep around. Which obv also marked me out.
Year 2 of uni I met who is now my dh and I felt like he totally saved me. I immediately stopped sleeping with random people (I'd never been faithful to any boyfriend ever before). After a year I was pg with ds1. As soon as I fell pg I couldnt 'do' sex. I totally withdrew. I still loved him etx but just couldn't do it. We had years of therapy, we managed to somehow get pg twice more. It was almost an animal thing. By that I mean I would feel like having sex just in order to get pg, each other time we had sex once and I got pregnant . Anyway I say all this as for the first time ever I can't do sex for fun. I have no feelings. It feels like I was waiting to find these perfect gene combination to make dc. (At this point I must add I was adopted as a baby so therefore my dc are my only blood relatives- I feel this must be relevant). I didn't even realise in my head I wanted dc. Anyways
So I have problems touching. I don't crave it. In fact I recoil from it. I don't like being hugged or touched or stroked. By anyone. I've learnt the social rules of what to do with friends. Dh is struggling. It's been an endless struggle. I love him but I have no need to touch/ kiss etx etx. I just can't do it. If I kiss him and his breath isn't completely minty fresh I can't bear it I really really can't bear it. Oh god I sound such a bitch.
Anyway also on top of all this this week it's all come to a bit if a head for me as 3 separate friends have said stuff about me obv being autistic and how I must know. They've all always known and just assumed I knew. Well no! I bloody didn't ! I thought it was everyone else quite frankly. I also have always had probs making eye contact talking to people. I mean I didn't realise I did it though people have always said that I close my eyes when I talk to them. I can't control it and I don't notice I'm doing it. A guy at my new job said about it today and I just feel so embarrassed and gutted. I feel like a fucking freak anx that they all think I'm weird. Like everyone I meet must thing I'm really odd. And there's seemingly nothing I can do about it. If you met me you'd think I was super confident. I love meeting and chatting to people and is the favourite thing about my (pretty crappy) job. But now I feel stupid. I just want to hide away. I could honestly cry (and I'm not a cryer). What can I do to make myself not seem so weird? I don't wnst people to notice all the weird shit about me OR I want to be able to control it so no one sees it: I don't know what the point of all this is. I just feel so I don't even know. Embarrassed mainly. Sorry it's so long