Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

Bad start to the day. Why can't I say No?
Wednesday is the day I catch up on myself. The first day of the week that I can be silent, potter about and generally recharge. I have only started to realise how important it is for me to do this, yet when someone rings up and says they're dropping in I go along with it, even though in my head I'm saying no.

I know exactly what you mean about the pottering and recharging and how important it is.

I've realised that my problem with saying no has always been made worse by the fact that I feel I have to tell the truth. I know it's rude to say "I just don't want to see anyone" and I'm terrible at lying or thinking up an impressive excuse on the spot. So I end up saying "eerrr ookay..."

But I've learned that I can just say "Oh I'm not free this morning" or "That's not a good time for me, how about X?" It's still hard to remember to do this instead of getting flustered, but when I do, it works. People just accept it without you having to explain (except the most insensitive people!)

Hi lechien I think this will get easier, now you have realised how important this recharging time is to you, and that you do need a polite way to turn away visitors or refuse invitations. If you have a polite refusal or excuse ready it will be easier. As cat says it would be good to suggest an alternative day, then it shows you are not being unfriendly. Also good to be a little flexible if it is important or the person really needs to see you. Think of it this way, would you take a day off work to see them?

I think it's because I'm a SAHM, so my time is less important because I have more time to myself than others, but the other days I'm child free tend to be taken up with other stuff and socialising if I have to.
I've also volunteered to do something today, but it involves my special interest so it should be ok, but I feel quite stressy about it even though it will happen in a few weeks time.

I have learned the hard way to put up my boundaries with people wanting to meet up or drop by. Too many times I have said yes, cancelled at the last minute and pissed people off. So I have learned that it really is best all round just to do the friendly 'I cant do today...but could you do X day instead?' thing!

I REALLY need that time to recharge. Solitude is massively important to my wellbeing. And I also need to be able to prepare myself for social interaction. I'm crap at spontaneous meet-ups unless I am in a rare relaxed mood. I'm lucky in that I have a handful of close friends who understand without me really having to explain. My best friend from childhood just knows that 'Sounding likes her own space' and i have a newer friend, an ex colleague, who has ADHD and jokes that we are both 'social losers' who need lots of prep for social situations. She is probably one of the very very few people I might consider meeting up with for a spur-of-the-moment coffee or ehatever, as I can be nervy, moody or weird around her and she doesnt take offence.

I havent experienced or heard of that, Allofaflumble but it makes sense.

My DS, who has an AS diagnosis, has various sensory issues around colour, light, disliking busy wallpaper or rooms with lots of pictures on the wall, so it fits in with that kind of thing, it would seem.

He describes cluttered, colourful environments as 'mKing his mind all busy and buzzy' and not being able to 'turn it off'.

Do you all have understanding partners?

My partner is being great about my recent diagnosis. He grew up with ASD in his family which I know he found very difficult, so I was worried he'd be upset, but on the plus side he understands it (although my case isn't as severe).

I think/hope that the diagnosis is helping me to see our clashes differently and let things go a lot more. For example my DP has always been (IMO) a terrible bullshitter. He will just make up random excuses for things or convince himself things are true when they aren't, or exaggerate wildly. It's always driven me spare and I end up banging on at him because I just can't understand why he won't stick to the obvious truth of the matter.

It's dawned on me now that it's me who's odd. Most people talk bollocks, mislead, say things they don't really mean, delude themselves, exaggerate. I'm unusual in always cutting straight through the crap to the nub of the matter in a way that isn't actually socially acceptable or NT at all (though it can have its uses :)). And nagging on at DP to be more like me is never going to work. I can now see that my need for 100% honesty and accuracy is most likely an ASD thing and I'd be better just backing off and calming down.

I will be blunt in certain situations. When I worked I would doggedly stick to a point because I knew I was right, because it followed the rule, but it didn't get me anywhere, I became known as militant. I was often told that I would be a good traffic warden. With hindsight it was meant as a criticism, but I always took it as a compliment.
In social situations I will either argue the point and monopolise conversation (because I am right and they are wrong), or I'll clam up and zone out of the conversation (because they are wrong and not worth listening to)

I talked to dh about this and I think he thinks I'm making excuses for being lazy. He was nicer when he thought I was depressed. He seems more frustrated with me, even though I've always been the same to a certain degree.

That makes sense cat. My DH and his family are of the excuses/bullshit variety and I'm definitely of the tell me the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth, variety. So as you can imagine there are a lot of clashes. The most recent one being because I ask too many questions (trying to get to the nub of the matter as you call it!)

lechien I do that too!

I am so thankful to have found this thread.

I am grateful I'm not the only one who HATES the minor lies, chit chat, exaggerating, bullshitting etc. When I head it I get very angry inside and go home and stew!! On other peoples behalf too! Does anyone else seem to pick up on it more than others? Maybe it's just that I can't gloss over it and I obsess.

For example so done at a sports match, I can't get how people are so obsessed only with their own children! I could literally explode thinking listen to yourself!

Yes fred I feel like I have an incredibly sensitive radar for it. Whenever anyone says anything even slightly manipulative or misleading (as I think a PP talked about too a while back) I immediately see right through it and feel massively infuriated. The trouble is I don't think many people realise they are even doing it.

I have lost friends over it. Once any kind of manipulation or mind games start, I'm out of there. DP isn't that bad, he doesn't play mind games – he just convinces himself of nonsense. How he does it I cannot fathom, but I'm trying to be more forgiving of it.

I've lost friends over it too, many friends and it is a huge dent to self esteem and self doubt. Glad it's not just me is always wish I didn't have this trait

Luckily my dH is the most honest, straight down the line person I have ever met and can talk me round and listen but last night for instance I was awake until 3am torturing myself with what I have overheard

Fred I still, 2 years on, fume over the behaviour of an ex-friend who basically treated me really badly, then tried to make up for it and get me back on side by pretending to be nice and sucky-uppy to me about something completely unrelated.

To me, that's just so transparent and infuriating! Just say sorry for the crap thing you did, or fuck off! I'm not STUPID! aaaarrrrggghhh... The silly, manipulative games piss me off far more than the original crap behaviour. They make me feel like the person is trying to trap me and trick me.

I actually go over in my head what I would like to say to her about it. It's pointless. I don't see her any more and don't want to, and from an NT POV the way she dealt with having upset me was probably perfectly normal.
But just so you know, you're not the only one who obsesses!

So what do you do when the person who upset you is an in law? I can't see them till it's resolved, otherwise I will just be too anxious. In laws don't want to talk about it as they prefer to sweep things under the carpet. DH is refusing to see them on his own (apparently it wouldn't be right). So now I feel I'm keeping DH from seeing his family. No matter what, somebody is going to be upset!

Cat- transparency, I must use that word about people every day! I also like to think its hypersensitivity and hyper intelligence on our parts

Chronic- that's a hard situation, I would avoid avoid avoid, feign illness, cancel etc. if it was something completely unavoidable ie a funeral I would literally pretend I was somebody else, an actress, programme myself how to act and what to say, drink, then go home to bed and obsess all night and for a few days, go for a 20 mile run to turn it all over again and again in my head...probably physically slap myself and shout at myself, call myself a stupid idiot...out loud...maybe binge eat/vomit...

...easy peasy

My husband is very understanding and supportive.

I've only just broached AS with him, as relevant to me, and he has listened and been open to it. He is great with our DS (AS), but I have previously had other diagnoses which DH has had to get his head around (bipolar disorder most recently ..has now been discounted, but it took a lot of DH having to come to terms with that and then have it ruled out).

I'm also very intolerant to bullshitty social chitchat and can see through false/fake people immediately, which means I can come across as cold. I've got some good friends, so am very lucky that way, but in large groups or at parties etc, I'm never 'one of the girls'. People don't warm to me easily and I have been called aloof/intimidating/too serious. I just cant get into false jollity and superficial chat. Miserable bugger I am .

Yes. I have been described as aloof, intense, heavy (by a date), thinks too much etc. My last partner hated me reading. I think he realised I preferred reading to fiddling with his bits and bobs. Wanted to cuddle and sit close to me. I hated it!

Since I found out about AS it all makes sense.

Yes – aloof, intense, intimidating, "scary"

But, from the POV of someone who wants you to be chatty and put them at their ease, I can see how that happens. They're thinking "why won't you just join in and interact like everyone else, then I can get the measure of you and feel comfortable". You're thinking "Ugh you're being so fake, I can see right through it and it puts me right off". No wonder it's alarming for them.

I also do have some friends. There are some people who are genuinely lovely, kind and accepting and with them it doesn't feel "fake". And there are people who just talk about interesting stuff, and I like that and find it much easier to chat then. Those nerdy friendships where you just talk about a shared interest.

But one of the friends I love most is super sociable and friendly, very beautiful and popular, but underneath it all she's incredibly uptight and anxious, and I think we get on because she knows I know that about her and I don't mind – it's real, I can relate to it and I appreciate her showing me the "real" her. In return, she is very accepting of my oddness and the fact that I just don't "do" that stuff well. I think sometimes the fact that you are not playing the same game can be helpful to people IYSWIM. You are not competing, you just are what you are.

Because actually, what I've noticed about social rules, jostling for position and game-playing is that it makes a lot of people unhappy, even "normal" people who are into doing it. In that world, people are always looking for ways to subtly exert power over each other and stake their claim, and it's a bit dog-eat-dog. Like all the threads about cliques and put-downs at toddler groups and school gates. I like not being part of that stuff, I actually think it's really hard for a lot of people and yet they feel they have to engage with it –because otherwise they would be "aloof", the ultimate social crime.

I can fake it and look sociable etc, but I think sometimes that's why I don't really have friends, because I can't keep up the act so put off invitations for coffee and don't invite anyone here, so "friendships" tend to stay on a fake small-talk level.
I have three people who I would call genuine friends and I only see them once a month or two. They will see the real me, warts and all, and are fine with that.
I can see my siblings having loads of friends, and sometimes wish I could be the same, but then I see that often the friendships are built on very superficial common ground, and I wouldn't want that.
DH is the only person I feel completely at ease with.

Thats a good point about the social rules being exhausting and a bit shit for a lot of people, not just those on the spectrum Cat.

I also relate with what you say LeChien, about keeping people at that small-talk superficial friendship level. I definitely do this, as I feel like I cant really have many good, close friends. Its too emotionally exhausting! I realise lately that I actually keep people at arms length deliberately a lot of the time, as I just dont enjoy or need a high level of social contact. I'd have more friends if I just'let people in' a bit more...but I find it hard and dont really want to!

I have two very close friends from school, but one lives abroad and one is a workaholic and social butterfly who is always busy, so it works because they dont expect a constant interaction.

The toughest thing I find is that in groups of females, there is often a pressure to do 'girly' bonding stuff 'for a laugh' and I am so uptight about that sort of shit, honestly. I've been invited on spa days and the like by various groups of colleagues and school mums who, individually, I like very much...but that is my idea of hell. Group bonding in a situation I cant escape easily...NO!