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Live webchat with Sam Baker, author of The Stepmothers' Support Group, Tues 8 Sept (1-2pm)

60 replies

HelenMumsnet · 03/09/2009 13:23

Hello.

On Tuesday 8th September, Sam Baker, Editor of Red Magazine and author of The Stepmothers' Support Group will be joining us for a sponsored webchat between 1 and 2pm to answer your questions and talk about her own experiences of being a step-parent.

If you're unable to join us please send your questions in advance to this thread.

OP posts:
SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:11

Hi Kitty60

course you could. I don't have to get up every morning and get children to school, do their homework or anything like that. Compared to most mums I'm a slacker!

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:15

Thanks for your message Jepa

I'm not an expert, I only have my own experience to go on but if one of my friends was in a similar situation I'd probably say the ball is really in their dad's court - they're his kids and it's up to him to maintain the relationship with them and stick up for you.

mssmith84 · 08/09/2009 13:15

I feel my respect for my husband diminishing when I watch the way he deals with his DCs from a previous relationship. He plays little role in their lives other than to dole out our money when requested by them. They never do anything together and their only contact with him is when they visit our home. The frequency of visits always follows a similar pattern. Dinner every Sunday for about 2 months and then without warning no contact for 2-3 months despite invitations still being offered. A few months of dinner every month or so follows before the pattern repeats itself. I am sick of nagging him to get involved and wonder whether I should just accept this as the status quo?

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:16

Hi mssmith84

can I ask how old his DCs are?

antoxo · 08/09/2009 13:19

Hi Sam, I am in a fairly new relationship with my partner who has two boys (seven and nine). I worry about taking on the role of 'facilitator' to my partner's life, as it is my natural inclination to think of things to help him in his role as a dad. I realise I could spend a lot of time and energy doing that but then might resent not getting an equal amount of effort spent on me as he just hasn't got enough time and energy. Do you have any tips for getting the balance right?

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:19

Hi Jacqui10

I have encountered some of the situations in the book but not many. I spoke to so many stepmums before I wrote SSG because I wanted to get a huge variety of experiences.

As you will know it's completely different if you've both got kids to how it is if only he has. And if you want them or not. And whether the kids live with you or their mum.

In a way it might have been easier for me because I was quite young when I met my stepson. I was 23. being a mum wasn't on the cards for me and I didn't have preconceived ideas about how I thought children should behave.

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:21

Thanks for your non-stepmum question champagnesupernova

That was pretty much what editorial meetings were like on Cosmo, to be honest! We had to do so many sex and relationship features every month we obviously had to spend a lot of time talking about it. But broadly there are only so many sex features you can do so you have to keep coming up with a different angle. It was a great experience, but I love Red. There?s more breadth and depth. I was a slave on the launch dummies for Red then went off and learnt to be an editor (I hope!). When the job came up a couple of years ago I was like a heatseeking missile.

mssmith84 · 08/09/2009 13:21

Hi Sam

His Dcs are 13 and 11

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:24

Hi antoxo

Like I said, I'm not an expert, so it's only my opinion, but as it's such early days I think you should be careful of setting yourself up in that role. I think your instinct is right that he'd come to rely on it and you might resent it a bit. The fact is, there will be (many) times when the kids come first and you kind of have to reconcile yourself to that if you take on a man with kids. Do you have kids of your own?

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:26

To mssmith84

I thought you were going to say they were older. They're still pretty young (but old enough to be trouble!). doesn't he want to see more of them? is there a reason why the visits suddenly drop off? (Dare I ask how he gets on with his ex...?)

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:28

Thanks for your comment stayingsunnygirl

really glad you liked the book. I worked hard to make the characters and situations believable. it is fiction after all, but I hoped it would resonate with some stepmums, if not all.

jepa · 08/09/2009 13:30

thanks Sam
ps I really love RED

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:33

Hi BonsoirAnna

I agree with you. the book can't in anyway replicate the fabulous dialogue you have going on here on mumsnet, and it doesn't try to. It's just a look at modern relationships and the way women support each other with a particular focus on the step situation.

I would say, lots of stepmums don't know about mumsnet or about the step-parenting forum on here. I've told lots of people about it and will keep doing so because it's so unique.

antoxo · 08/09/2009 13:34

No, I don't - as you can imagine it's all quite a lot to take in very quickly. The other thing I find tricky is how to define my relationship with the step-kids. I guess the ideal is as an adult friend but there are times when I also feel I have to take a stance on things and make it clear that I'm reinforcing their dad's parenting 'rules'? It's hard to know where to draw the line.

wordswidenight · 08/09/2009 13:34

Thanks for the reply Sam! I think she definitely grew as a person over the course of the novel, but I sympathised with her reaction to the dad when he first showed up on the scene again! I have to say I didn't have much respect for him!!

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:34

Thanks Jepa. glad someone does!

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:36

Hi Poppy34

my experiences as a stepmum aren't any more valid than anyone else's that might appear here, but they are AS valid. I would think anyone who has something to add or any advice to share is welcome?

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:39

Hi Antoxo

I really sympathise. for what it's worth I used to try to be an aunti/friend combo but that only worked as a part-time stepmum, when that became fulltime things had to change a bit because you have to be able to exercise a bit of authority in your own house. His dad still did the bulk of the discipline, but I had to become a bit more of a reponsible adult. Was hard. That's when I started making mistakes.

I tried never to contradict anything his dad said/did discipline-wise but occasionally I did wade in when we were on our own. It takes a while to find a balance

holly99 · 08/09/2009 13:40

Well, maybe they'll take off here now after your book? You need a film to be made of the book, and then perhaps by the time you do another article in Red on the subject, you'll be able to list a few in the feature!

jepa · 08/09/2009 13:41

Hi Sam
Just wondering how do you balance being a step mum and working on full time - any tips ?

playdoughfree · 08/09/2009 13:43

Hi Sam

I'd like some advice! How would you deal with a partner who just seems unable to plan the visits of their child? My husband's like this and it creates havoc with our lives and annoys his ex-wife. I end up nagging him to sort out which weekend my stepson is visiting, so I can arrange other stuff. But he always leaves it to the last minute - how do I sort this out?

antoxo · 08/09/2009 13:44

Thanks Sam, I can see that it's going to take time - I already find I am being tested by the children to see whether I would have the same level of discipline as their dad or whether, in their eyes, I might be a bit of a soft touch. I'm not sure how to show that I am completely on board with his 'rules' but not an enforcer of them necessarily. Thanks again for your advice.

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:45

Hi Holly99

That would be great. there's a really interesting woman in the states who set up stepmothersmilk - you might know it? - she was a single womanabouttown in San fransisco and then married a man with children and moved to Texas and her life was turned upside down. She's set up her own SSG down there.

popmum · 08/09/2009 13:46

2 probably very basic questions about magazines from me: how long do they take to put together - what't the lead time? and why are they published way before the actual month (eg the june one comes out in April?)

SamBaker · 08/09/2009 13:47

Hi Jepa

when he lived with us his dad did all the day to day getting him to school, doing homework etc. I used to take over when I got in from work and his dad would go back to work then. easier for me than his dad I suspect