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Original poster

Live online discussion with Melissa Hill, Thursday May 31st 9-10.15pm

54 replies

Carriel · 28/05/2001 20:50

Melissa Hill is the controversial author of "The Smart Woman's Guide to Staying at Home". After the birth of her first child, Melissa gave up her successful City career to be at home full-time, and suggests that if you're finding all the juggling a bit too much - you could benefit from doing the same. You can post questions in advance for Melissa here, or log onto this discussion to talk to her live from 9-10.15pm this Thursday. The first 5 contributors to the live chat will each receive a copy of Melissa's book.

OP posts:
Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:11

Hi Hmonty,

WAFE is an organisation that networks all the women's shelters across England. They provide a national help line and can direct women to help closest to them. Most shelters don't list themselves in the phonebooks in order to protect the women staying with them.

They also lobby the government to ensure that domestic abuse issues are dealt with. I could have a huge long conversation about how deficient the law is in protecting women and children escaping violence, but WAFE is on-line and you can read more about their work on their website.

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:14

Nancy,

Why are people upset by my book? Because the media make all us poor parents paranoid of making the wrong choice, that's why and it drives me round the bend. Working mums feel I am condemning their choice, but of course they haven't read my book or they don't know me personally. So I try to address their concerns with respect, so that they can see my point, with respect as well.

Winnie · 31/05/2001 20:17

Hi Melissa, Are you working on a next book and if so can you tell us what it is about?

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:18

Bev,
The Smart Woman's Guide deals with this work arrangement in a bit more detail, but if you are working and your partner is able to still look after the children then I don't think it is unrealistic at all.

What is difficult, but not impossible, is trying to do eight hours work with children demanding your attention at the same time. Most WAHMs have some sort of child-minding help for some portion of the day. I do know of one mother who has no help, but she also lives on about three hours sleep each night and is hyper-organised. I think she has more energy than most people though!

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:22

Winnie,

I am working on The Smart Woman's Guide to Getting Married, which is turning out to be a lot of fun, but the research (reading all these wedding planning books) makes me hyperventilate sometimes. The idea is to help brides-to-be survive the planning process, like how to deal with your jealous ex-best friend, neurotic parents and evil salespeople telling you that what you want to do is bad luck and will ruin your marriage.

Jraven · 31/05/2001 20:25

Hi Melissa,
Your description of your life as a mum - zoos, trains etc on demand sounds idyllic for your kids. Would you accept, though, that not all women are as cut out for motherhood as you and find the idea of doing the Maisy floor puzzle yet again a touch mind-numbing. Maybe these women and their kids would be better off in full-time employment?

Winnie · 31/05/2001 20:25

Melissa, in your response to Nancys question you suggest that the media make all us poor parents paranoid of making the wrong choice, don't you think that you could be contributing to this yourself?

Tik · 31/05/2001 20:25

Hi Melissa

I think giving up work to be at home with your children is the best thing you can give them. Afterall, we all want what is best for our children NOT SECOND BEST!

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:31

Hi Jraven,

Great question. You do not have to do the Maisy puzzle 100 times with your child if you do not want to. My children have learned that they can play on their own while I sit on the sofa and read my paper or work on the computer. They don't seem particularly scarred by playing with each other or on their own.

Believe me, I am no Mother Teresa. We don't listen to nursury tapes. My oldest can identify a Madness or Van Morrison song in five notes or less. When she was a baby we didn't read baby books, I read my books aloud to her. She loved it and she has a super vocabulary (though those two points are not necessarily connected). I don't go to many toddler groups because I don't get along with 90% of the mothers there. My life is too short. I invite my interesting friends over and my kids can play with their kids while we discuss politics and religion.

My personality is not subsumed to some expert's idea of what is best for children, and no one else's has to be either.

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:33

Winnie,

Am I making you paranoid now?

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:38

Tik,

I like to think all parents want what is best for their children. Since all children (and all parents, for that matter) are different, how can one blanket prescription for all families possibly work? Home v. work is not a black and white choice. There is a whole spectrum of possiblities worth considering. Granted the choices are not always available, but why be paralysed by what Dr so-and-so's statistics say is the right way to go? We have to adapt the options available to us to our family's own individual needs. What I want to do is dispel some of the fear surrounding leaving work.

Winnie · 31/05/2001 20:39

Melissa, you are not making me paranoid at all. I simply feel that we live in a society where the pressures on parents to do 'the right thing' is immense and if one is standing in a bookshop trying to decide which book to buy on parenting the contradictory advice is staggering and can leave one feeling utterly confused. Having said that I do believe that very often people tend to have a position anyway and will buy the book that strengthens their personal view.

Robbie · 31/05/2001 20:40

Melissa,
What do you think of the government's policy re mothers? i.e. all financial incentives seem to be aimed at keeping mothers at work/ getting them back to work, as opposed to encouraging them to stay at home?

Cl · 31/05/2001 20:41

I gave up my career when my first child was born, having tried to go back. Both me and my husband worked long, hard, inflexible hours and something had to give. I now unpaid part-time work, to keep my brain active, but fit my child, but I hate not having my own money (I worked and earned for 15 years), and hate feeling as if I'm not contributing to the family finances. My husband has admitted that he hates the pressure of being the only breadwinner and provider, though when I ask him what I'm supposed to do about it - he doesn't have any answers. Did you come across many SAHM's who a) missed having their' money (especially for stuff like parking tickets and hair highlights...) and b) found their partner got stressed about losing an income?

Tik · 31/05/2001 20:43

Melissa

As you have taken the step to being a stay at home mum, what are your views about home educating - seeing that you are a 'professional mum' with your values, ideals and believes. If you can take time out to be with your children, will you take time out to educate them as well or are you going to leave that responsibility to other people?

Tik · 31/05/2001 20:43

Melissa

As you have taken the step to being a stay at home mum, what are your views about home educating - seeing that you are a 'professional mum' with your values, ideals and believes. If you can take time out to be with your children, will you take time out to educate them as well or are you going to leave that responsibility to other people?

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:49

Robbie,

Quite frankly I don't think it should be the government's business to be encouraging one specific behaviour over another, especially when it comes to choices over raising our children. I think there should be more pressure brought to bear on employers to be more family-friendly and I think schools should be more sensitive to the difficulties that working parents face: eg four day school weeks are outrageous, and in the US they have implemented year-round schooling in some areas and eliminated the long summer holiday. It is not just finances that people have to work through - we are really held back by rigid, out-dated and self-interested institutions. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Nancy · 31/05/2001 20:56

Steve Biddulph said in a previous live chat here that he thought it was important to stay at home for the first 3 years of your child's life in particular. Would you agree that the first 3, are the crucial years? After that is it less important?

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 20:57

Cl,
Brilliant point. I met all too many at home mums who hate asking their husbands for money.

The best solution is for both of you to get your head around the fact that there is no his & hers money when there is only one earner in a family. This is tough because we are a society that worships individuality and independence.

Money represents power and when someone is feeling insecure, money becomes the number one topic to argue about.

The way my husband and I deal with money is he earns it and I manage it. Don't get me wrong, we discuss purchasing decisions and the budget, but I am the one who knows all the financial details. I pay the bills and approve all the major purchases. I'm not a jerk about it, though. We negotiate the finances, but I am the keeper of all the information.

Bon · 31/05/2001 20:57

It's fine to say that we should
take sabbatical until the kids go back to School but there are many professions where this just isn't possible. In my line of work, (I work as a Doctor) taking 5 years out would make me totally lose touch and render me unemployable. I enjoy my work and after years of training, wouldn't want to change professions. I have 2 young children and would love to spend more time with them. Do you have any suggestions for women in such a position as myself?

Ra · 31/05/2001 21:03

What do you think about house-husbands? My sister-in-law has just found out that she is pregnant and as she is the main bread-winner, they are considering the poss of her continuing to work and him staying at home. I don't think that he's totally convinced.

Melissahill · 31/05/2001 21:04

Tik,

Ahhh. Home education.

I know many home-educating families and there is no question that you have got to be a SAH or WAH parent to carry this off. It is a very interesting life-style decision for a family to home-educate, and as far as I've seen a very positive one. If you are interested in home education in the UK, there is a useful website, www.education-otherwise.org covering all the legalities and practicalities and you can debate this to your heart's content!

Janes · 31/05/2001 21:08

What if your husband doesn't want a stay at home wife and won't play ball with this idea of "sharing" money? For many years my husband and I earned about the same; then about the same time I finally found a part time job his career really took off. He is extremely generous with his money and we talk about how to spend it but at the end of the day it is his money not mine and that is that. You assume that these sort of things can be renegotiated - in some cases they can't without fundamentally undermining the relationship. So at least one of the reasons I carry on working is to have at least some money to call my own ( and like Bon I have a career it is not really possible to take a long sabbatical from - I am still trying to get up to speed after a year out to have my third child). And when you say you can always return to work that is disingenuous - my oldest child is 10 and I know lots of mums who returned to work when their children started school doing jobs well below the sort of thing they are capable of to fit round school hours. Not everyone can write books or set up a business from home and if you drop out of your career for 5 years you can get a nasty shock when you realise just how limited the options can be.

Cl · 31/05/2001 21:09

I do manage the finances, which makes me feel even more guilty when I feel I've wasted money we don't really have. I agree, as we all do that it's 'our' money, but that's easier to agree on when it was a joint decision for the woman to stop working in paid employment - in our case it was very much my choice, which he respected, though the fact that I work unpaid bugs him as we pay out for childcare, in his view unneccessarily. The worst thing is I can totally see it from his side. I seem to have the best of all worlds, mental stimulation without work pressure, lots of time with our child, and so much more freedom than him. I have to say I would have hated it if he'd said he wanted to give up work and I'd have to do the breadwinning - not an option as he earns lots more than I could - but if it was I'd find it really hard to stomach.

Tik · 31/05/2001 21:12

Thank you Melissa

It has been very interesting following this chat. I wish you all the very best and good luck with your book. I admire women who speak up for what they believe, after all you can't change the world, but you can change how you view it.

Good luck and all the best!!

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