Webchat with psychotherapist Philippa Perry on her bestselling book: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read on Friday 12 April at 1pm

[BojanaMumsnet]

Hello

Philippa Perry’s new book became an instant Sunday Times Number 1 bestseller - described by her publisher as a “parenting book for people who don’t buy parenting books”.

Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. She is also an agony aunt for Red magazine, a freelance writer, and a TV and radio presenter. She has worked on several documentaries, and has also written two other books.

The publisher says “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) contains practical advice including learning how to:

• Understand how your own upbringing may be impacting upon your parenting style
• Contain, express, accept and validate your own and your child's feelings
• Understand that all behaviour is communication
• Break negative cycles and patterns
• Accept that you will make mistakes and what to do about them”

Please do join us on Friday at 1pm or if you can’t make it, please post your question here in advance. Please bear in mind our webchat guidelines (including one question each - follow ups allowed if there’s time). Also following recent chats/guest posts we’ve updated our guidelines to let people know that, if one topic is overwhelmingly dominating a discussion with a guest, mods might request that people don't continue to post what's effectively the same question or point. Rest assured we will ALWAYS let guests know that it's an area of concern to multiple users and will encourage them to engage with those questions.

Thanks
MNHQ

@lavenderdaisies

Hello - do you have any advice on resolving parenting disagreements between you and your partner?

Thank you!

It is unrealistic that two co-parents would believe the same and be on the same page for every single thing. What is important is that differences are dealt with respectfully. And that you listen to each others' feelings, fears, hopes and dreams about whatever it is you are discussing. Move away from winning and losing, and move towards mutual understanding. I have a chapter in my book about how to do this.

Hi Philippa- i am currently reading your book and really enjoying it.
My DS 3 struggles abit in social situations and hits and bites alot- to the point i have to take him away so people dont get hurt. He also shouts at people walking down the street not to look at him! I try to ignore as much as possible and keep calm, but i find it so hard that he is so defensive. Any advice? Im naturally a quiet quiet people pleaser person

@Brandycane

Hello

Any advice for dealing with a teenager coming up to GCSEs who insists they don't think they need to do any work? He's pretty clever and has the offer of a place at a really good school for his A Levels, but he needs to get certain (not incredibly high) grades to get there. He's achieved those grades in his mocks, so he says he doesn't need to do any more. I'm really trying to hang loose about it (maybe he just isn't that bothered about going to that school - it's his choice, I do genuinely get that - although he says he does want to go there). I'm trying to be friendly and loving with just occasional reminders and encouragement about revision, but I know there's a bit of me that will scream forever if he misses out by a couple of grades that he could easily have achieved if he'd done a bit more work.

I know this is probably my fault somehow How would you suggest approaching it?

By breathing! Everything is better when you breathe. At the moment you are TRYING to hang loose but all I'm picking up is desperate anxiety and I expect your son is also picking this up. He needs not to be nervous to ace these exams. He will have more confidence when you believe in him too. If he wants help from you, trust he will ask for it. Remember you are in a relationship with your son, he is not a project you have to get right. If you want to set a boundary however, set it making "I-statement"s not "You-statements" so it's "I am worried you haven't done enough work" and it's not "You haven't done enough work". It is much easier to hear advice when people frame it as an I-statement. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.

@underthewestway

Hi Philippa

I am partway through your book and have found it incredibly helpful so far. I am estranged from my mother and gave birth to my only child, a daughter, at the age of 40 last year. My earliest memories are of being frightened of my mother, who was prone to violent rages and who would never have considered listening to my feelings if they were not what she thought they should be.

I always believed that when I had a child I would be a model of empathy and would always respond to their feelings, particularly when they couldn’t articulate them. I have found it very difficult to handle when I haven’t responded like this to my daughter. On a couple of occasions when I have been particularly tired or fed up with her crying, my emotional reaction is rage. Although I have not acted on that, I am horrified that my instinctive reaction seems to be the same as my mother and I am scared that somehow my daughter can sense that and that she will be frightened of me. How can I move past my own fear that I am going to replicate what happened to me as a child (despite years of therapy which I thought had done that)?

Your reaction is completely normal. Many of us have feelings of rage or even hate towards our children. Donald Winnacott was the first analyst to realise how common it is. You are doing the right thing which is to be aware of how you feel, aware of the feelings that being a parent brings up in you and then you will not act on the feelings, like your mother did. And when your child gets past the age when you felt most vulnerable as a baby yourself, these feelings will recede.

@Helen89

Loved the book! I believe it is difficult to connect with my mother as she has always been in control and still doesn't allow me to impact or influence her even as an adult - any advice for improving this relationship? Thank you

This is tough because your mother has always had the power in the relationship and sounds like she still has. I expect it would feel amazing if she ever said, I should have listened to you more, I should have trusted you more, I could never realise that you weren't a baby any more and have matured. I wonder if she would ever read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and realise that she has this power and she can give some of it back to you? My heart goes out for you. I know this is painful.

Thank you so, so much for all your questions, sorry I did not have time to answer them all, typed as quick as I could. I have loved being at Mumsnet Towers, thanks for having me. x Philippa x

A late one - have you any advice on listening to an older teen/young adult who won't talk? Mine will talk and joke about surface stuff but that is all, and I can't help him to do anything (or keep out of it if that is better) if he won't say what he wants/needs.