Webchat with psychotherapist Philippa Perry on her bestselling book: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read on Friday 12 April at 1pm

[BojanaMumsnet]

Hello

Philippa Perry’s new book became an instant Sunday Times Number 1 bestseller - described by her publisher as a “parenting book for people who don’t buy parenting books”.

Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. She is also an agony aunt for Red magazine, a freelance writer, and a TV and radio presenter. She has worked on several documentaries, and has also written two other books.

The publisher says “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) contains practical advice including learning how to:

• Understand how your own upbringing may be impacting upon your parenting style
• Contain, express, accept and validate your own and your child's feelings
• Understand that all behaviour is communication
• Break negative cycles and patterns
• Accept that you will make mistakes and what to do about them”

Please do join us on Friday at 1pm or if you can’t make it, please post your question here in advance. Please bear in mind our webchat guidelines (including one question each - follow ups allowed if there’s time). Also following recent chats/guest posts we’ve updated our guidelines to let people know that, if one topic is overwhelmingly dominating a discussion with a guest, mods might request that people don't continue to post what's effectively the same question or point. Rest assured we will ALWAYS let guests know that it's an area of concern to multiple users and will encourage them to engage with those questions.

Thanks
MNHQ

[Melroses]

A late one - have you any advice on listening to an older teen/young adult who won't talk? Mine will talk and joke about surface stuff but that is all, and I can't help him to do anything (or keep out of it if that is better) if he won't say what he wants/needs.

[PhilippaPerry]

Thank you so, so much for all your questions, sorry I did not have time to answer them all, typed as quick as I could. I have loved being at Mumsnet Towers, thanks for having me. x Philippa x

[PhilippaPerry]

@Helen89

Loved the book! I believe it is difficult to connect with my mother as she has always been in control and still doesn't allow me to impact or influence her even as an adult - any advice for improving this relationship? Thank you

This is tough because your mother has always had the power in the relationship and sounds like she still has. I expect it would feel amazing if she ever said, I should have listened to you more, I should have trusted you more, I could never realise that you weren't a baby any more and have matured. I wonder if she would ever read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and realise that she has this power and she can give some of it back to you? My heart goes out for you. I know this is painful.

[PhilippaPerry]

@underthewestway

Hi Philippa

I am partway through your book and have found it incredibly helpful so far. I am estranged from my mother and gave birth to my only child, a daughter, at the age of 40 last year. My earliest memories are of being frightened of my mother, who was prone to violent rages and who would never have considered listening to my feelings if they were not what she thought they should be.

I always believed that when I had a child I would be a model of empathy and would always respond to their feelings, particularly when they couldn’t articulate them. I have found it very difficult to handle when I haven’t responded like this to my daughter. On a couple of occasions when I have been particularly tired or fed up with her crying, my emotional reaction is rage. Although I have not acted on that, I am horrified that my instinctive reaction seems to be the same as my mother and I am scared that somehow my daughter can sense that and that she will be frightened of me. How can I move past my own fear that I am going to replicate what happened to me as a child (despite years of therapy which I thought had done that)?

Your reaction is completely normal. Many of us have feelings of rage or even hate towards our children. Donald Winnacott was the first analyst to realise how common it is. You are doing the right thing which is to be aware of how you feel, aware of the feelings that being a parent brings up in you and then you will not act on the feelings, like your mother did. And when your child gets past the age when you felt most vulnerable as a baby yourself, these feelings will recede.

[PhilippaPerry]

@Brandycane

Hello

Any advice for dealing with a teenager coming up to GCSEs who insists they don't think they need to do any work? He's pretty clever and has the offer of a place at a really good school for his A Levels, but he needs to get certain (not incredibly high) grades to get there. He's achieved those grades in his mocks, so he says he doesn't need to do any more. I'm really trying to hang loose about it (maybe he just isn't that bothered about going to that school - it's his choice, I do genuinely get that - although he says he does want to go there). I'm trying to be friendly and loving with just occasional reminders and encouragement about revision, but I know there's a bit of me that will scream forever if he misses out by a couple of grades that he could easily have achieved if he'd done a bit more work.

I know this is probably my fault somehow How would you suggest approaching it?

By breathing! Everything is better when you breathe. At the moment you are TRYING to hang loose but all I'm picking up is desperate anxiety and I expect your son is also picking this up. He needs not to be nervous to ace these exams. He will have more confidence when you believe in him too. If he wants help from you, trust he will ask for it. Remember you are in a relationship with your son, he is not a project you have to get right. If you want to set a boundary however, set it making "I-statement"s not "You-statements" so it's "I am worried you haven't done enough work" and it's not "You haven't done enough work". It is much easier to hear advice when people frame it as an I-statement. Nobody likes to be defined by someone else.

[Floppyspanielears]

Hi Philippa- i am currently reading your book and really enjoying it.
My DS 3 struggles abit in social situations and hits and bites alot- to the point i have to take him away so people dont get hurt. He also shouts at people walking down the street not to look at him! I try to ignore as much as possible and keep calm, but i find it so hard that he is so defensive. Any advice? Im naturally a quiet quiet people pleaser person

[PhilippaPerry]

@lavenderdaisies

Hello - do you have any advice on resolving parenting disagreements between you and your partner?

Thank you!

It is unrealistic that two co-parents would believe the same and be on the same page for every single thing. What is important is that differences are dealt with respectfully. And that you listen to each others' feelings, fears, hopes and dreams about whatever it is you are discussing. Move away from winning and losing, and move towards mutual understanding. I have a chapter in my book about how to do this.

[hoodathunkit]

"regrinding" should read "regarding"

please excuse the autocorrect

[hoodathunkit]

Philippa

If you do not want to answer my question regrinding conspiracy theories about satanic ritual abuse, perhaps you would consider answering another question?

In your book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

you recommend the book Play from your Fucking Heart by the controversial psychotherapist (many say cult leader) Jerry Hyde.

Given that Hyde openly promotes “tantra” (of the new age sexual variety) and illegal drug use as methods of psychotherapy I wondered

a) how you came to be acquainted with Hyde’s book
b) whether you had concerns about vulnerable people being harmed via your recommendation
c) whether you believe that “tantra” and illegal drug use constitute valid models of psychotherapy

Thanks

[PhilippaPerry]

@OmallyCat

Hi.
Do you have any advice on approaching difficult topics (online bullying, drugs, relationships etc.) with pre-teens. Especially those who get embarrassed v easily.

Difficult subjects are easier when we are in the habit of listening to our children. It is hard if we haven't really listened to them until they are about 9 or 10 and then all of a sudden want a serious conversation with them. We need to take our kids' concerns seriously from the off, even though to start with we may not ourselves find all the topics as challenging as the ones that inevitable come later. If this advice comes too late, do not despair, but start by listening, and trying to get a handle on what your child knows already about the difficult topic and what they understand about it. Their world will be different from ours and we need to learn about it through their eyes.

[toomuchtooold]

Hi there Philippa, I just started your book and I'm finding it really interesting. My mother was emotionally abusive so parenthood has been as you describe with the triggering incidents but probably more intense than average. I've read a bit around complex PTSD and what you describe basically sounds like an emotional flashback. Is there any difference in those ideas, or is it basically a matter of degree would you say?

[PhilippaPerry]

@MotherOfDragonite

I haven't read your book yet but it sounds very exciting and I am looking forward to it.

I am really interested in what you will have to say about how one's own upbringing may impact on how one parents. I have one DD who is 5 and another who is 18 months old. I have begun to feel that I default to either threatening or bribing in order to maintain control, especially when DD(5) is being difficult, and that I could be a better parent if I learned to parent in a different way. I recognise in this some elements of how my mother parented me as a child, and I remember how frustrating it was to have her control me in this way. Yet I am repeating the same pattern! I feel like I don't have better options and so I default to being a bit too shouty and use the withdrawal of fun things or treats as a way to stay in control. I wonder what you might suggest, in terms of how I could address this and become a better mum? Would therapy (for me) be a good idea?

Therapy is very expensive, I think you probably do need to read my book though. I have a big section about how our own upbringing affects how we parent and what to do about it.

However much we mean not to, we sometimes cannot help repeating those old patterns. You are not alone and I hope my book helps. Also look above in the thread as I have touched on how our upbringing affects our parenting earlier too.

[PhilippaPerry]

@Caffeinesolution

Hello,

I'd love some advice on a young adult who's really articulate, lovely person but just cannot take advice and gets defensive (imo) too quickly. I want to be supportive but would like to gently (usually mostly gently) make the point that the advice comes from a good place!

We learn how to be influenced when we see that we ourselves have got influence. If we felt when we were toddlers, children, teens that whatever we did or said seemed to make no difference to the adults around us, we close down and become more difficult to reach. In order to listen, we first have to be listened to. I write a lot about this in my book.

The late psychiatrist, RD Laing named this phenomenon "Diaphobia" and I mention this in my book if you want to know more about it, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did.

[PhilippaPerry]

@Forgotmykeys

Hi. Thanks for doing this What's your number one piece of advice for preparing a child for a new sibling?

You can't! And it will be a big shock for them even if you tell them it will be very different once their sibling comes along. If you make their life, even better than it is now (I know, massive ask) they will associate their sibling with joy and love, if they feel deprived after they come along, they are liable to resent their sibling. It's very, very hard.

[PhilippaPerry]

@LonelyTiredandLow

Hello Phillipa, thanks for joining us.

My dd is 7 and was diagnosed with mild dyslexia last year. She was initially happy that there was a reason for her struggling with spelling and I felt we had managed the situation well. However there are now 5 other dyslexic children in her class and she has begun saying things like "I'll just never be any good at English because I'm dyslexic" and refusing to read at home. I've reiterated how dyslexia doesn't mean that you can't be good at English, just that we need to focus on a new way of learning to make it easier. However the teacher also mentioned she has seen a huge dip in her confidence over the last term. She got amazing test scores and the teacher was keen to explain that she had exceeded their expectations - so realistically she is at the top of expected, which given her worries surprised me. I have rewarded her for her scores and reiterated that it shows she is doing really well and her hard work has paid off. What else would you suggest I do to boost her confidence?

I find confidence a hard area as it is so vital yet no one wants the precocious 'know it all' child who can't compromise See Theresa May.

What struck me, was she was quite happy when she was the only dyslexic in the class, now there are 5 of them, not so much. I think it is important to her to feel special. She will feel better when people don't just DO things to her. It is very normal to think what can I DO to make her this or that, but what children really need is to be collaborated with. She will also feel more special if she has more agency over what she does to make school better for her.

[PhilippaPerry]

@Marshallchase

I loved the book and I'm really trying to make changes. Voicing emotions seems to be working well with DS, who is 5, but it really isn't working with my youngest who is 2. It's complicated because he has a condition that makes him go unconscious when he's upset or hurt (he has a v good consultant but day to day it's HARD!) Sometimes, when I have to get him in the buggy I have no choice but to offer a bribe or a distraction. Any tips for parenting him without chocolate?

Do what you have to do, even if that is bribing with chocolate. You are doing great with your older child, probably because they haven't got a condition and they are a bit older. Give your 2 year old plenty of warning when a change, like going out, is coming up, so that he has time to get his head around it and doesn't have any shocks. Some of us really don't like changing gear. Maybe he is one of those?

[PhilippaPerry]

@JessieMcJessie

I haven’t read the book yet but am looking forward to it. I have an only child and a tendency to over-think parenting - it makes me anxious that my husband and I have such a weight of responsibility to get this right! Could not be more different to my Mum who had kids younger, long before the internet and with no time to read parenting books. She muddled through OK I think, my brother and I are pretty well-adjusted and have happy memories.

How can I strike the right balance between over-thinking and not thinking about this at all?

Your child is not a project you get right, or ruin, they are a person with whom you have a relationship, so yeah, possibly a good idea to back off from the worrying a bit. It is difficult to do this, I know. But when we get into the habit of trying to make the best relationship we can with our child rather than thinking we have to shape them into this or that, it gets easier.

[PhilippaPerry]

@Sandrose

Hello Philippa

I have almost finished your book and I think its excellent. I wish it had been around when my children were much younger (they are 11 and 8 now) and I hope that it will help change society's understanding of children and mental health.

My question is around where people can turn if they read the book and realise there is quite a big job to turn around their parenting and/or help their child.

We (me, my husband and children) have been working with a family therapist for 3 years, which we came into due to my older child's struggles with school, anxiety and avoidance.

Though life has been transformed, 3 years on we are still working through the legacy of my husband and my upbringings (though pretty normal), and my son's traumatic and very early birth, which led to separation from us in NICU and later paediatric intensive care.

I don't think we would have been able to do this alone (ie without a therapist) if we had come to your book say 5 years ago. We were very lucky to have stumbled across someone who could help us.

Although I still have a few pages left to read, I don't think your book says a lot about where people can turn if they feel the project to turn things around might be too big to do alone - for example if they suspect that early difficulties in their child's life or their life might make things more complicated than normal, or if their child seems to be experiencing significant emotional and/or behavioural difficulties.

What do you think people should do in this situation? I'm asking really because I think there are people like I was 5 years ago out there and I think it's really hard to find the right help. Everything out there seems to push families towards a diagnosis of some sort to explain why their child is struggling.

Thank you.

I think you are right, it is always better to seek out help sooner rather than later. After all the worst a family therapist might say, is, Don't Worry, You're fine! Or they might say, come in for some sessions like they did to you and got you to look at how your own upbringing was affecting your children. I'm so glad you got the help you need.

[IlluminatiParty]

My elder son at 11 can't read social situations terribly well and the school are starting to investigate SEN (always been at the back of my mind but never significant enough before for school or go to help me). In particular he has what I and his teachers would read as disproportionate reactions to situations. A small slight, or criticism can make him instantly angry and upset. He's polite and happy otherwise but what can I do to help him manage his emotions?

[PhilippaPerry]

@NotNowMrTumnus

How can you tell if you think you might have narcissistic traits? My parents (divorced) are both narcissistic and I’m terrified that my children will consider me one too. I try to do the opposite of how my parents behave but the fear is still there.

If you make everything all about you, then you are probably tilting towards being narcissistic. If you care a lot about the appearance rather than the experience of things, this too may be an indicator. Narcissists do not choose to be narcissists, they are trained to be by how they were parented. It is great if you think you may be and I recommend maybe seeing a therapist, to reassure yourself, or if you are, get on the right track. I think it is a brave thing to question this in yourself, so well done.

[PhilippaPerry]

@pipnchops

I'm only halfway through the book but I'm finding it really helpful and reassuring as I have 2yo and a 4yo girls who are most definitely "orchids"! Already I've started to acknowlege their feelings more rather than trying to brush them off and tell them not to worry about it. It is working wonders mostly but I'm struggling with my 4yo who gets very upset about things I can't do anything about and she gets so worked up. Two common examples: she says her pants are falling down when they're clearly not (we've tried lots of different types of pants, she just doesn't like wearing pants at all!) and every time we get in the car she says her seat belt is too tight even though it's fine, I make sure it's as loose as it can be whilst still being safe but she just cries for the first 10 minutes of any journey until she eventually forgets about it or realises I can't do anything about it. So instead of getting annoyed and impatient I'm now saying "I know it feels to tight/feels like they're falling down and that's making you upset, but it's not and you need to wear pants / your seatbelt" this doesn't seem to be helping she still just gets so upset. How should i be dealing with this situation?

Yeah, reasoning won't help. At the moment she is all about feelings so meet her at the feelings level and don't worry about to explain the world. Orchid children tend to grow up to be brilliant when their environment is attuned to them, so keep up the empathy. We don't really know what it's like to believe our pants are falling down the whole time, so keep trying to understand. Sounds a v. insecure place to me. We cannot scold a sensitive child out of being sensitive, so keep going along with it. You are doing great.

[PhilippaPerry]

@AdmiralSirArchibald

So much of this book resonated with me as a parent of two and as a teacher. Particularly the concept that it's not about winning, you are all on the same side. The parenting thing I struggle with is being interrupted, or having to stop what I'm doing for the children. I also can't tolerate whining! Any tips on managing these things?

When we cannot tolerate whining it is quite often because we were not soothed in a similar situation when we were kids, and because we tend to idolise our parents we think that we were faulty to be unhappy. Our kids whining reminds us of such painful feelings which may be why we want to push them away. As for interruptions, nobody is keen on this, but kids take time to learn that. It helps if we don't interrupt them when they are playing, because for a kid, playing is their work! And in the end, kids tend to do how they are done to.

[PhilippaPerry]

@ElizabethMainwaring

I can't see this going well at all.

Pessimism isn't particularly good for kids, and it certainly doesn't help me! But maybe I'm wrong. I'm definitely wrong. You've really got under my skin Ms. Mainwaring

[Helen89]

Loved the book! I believe it is difficult to connect with my mother as she has always been in control and still doesn't allow me to impact or influence her even as an adult - any advice for improving this relationship? Thank you

[PhilippaPerry]

@Deminism

My parents are great but if I have a complaint it's that I think they didn't really help with my sibling relationship, and set us up as competitors rather than being on the same team. I am really conscious not to do this with my own kids but I am struggling a bit with when to intervene and when to let them sort out their own disputes. Any advice (they are 8, 6 and 3)?

I am here to plug my own book, THE BOOK YOU WISH YOUR PARENTS HAD READ, but I can recommend another that is invaluable with this problem “Siblings without Rivalry”. It’s all about looking at the kids’ feelings under there competitive behaviour, validating those feelings and finding more acceptable ways of expressing them. - That recipe is the answer to many problems as well as siblings. Have some rules like NO HITTING, but feelings to this as for most problems, are key.