Hi Wendles,
If your daughter slaps her little brother even when she knows your watching, she?s probably doing it to get a response from you. In brief (the book covers these issues in detail, in particular the sections on Caring and Sharing, and Toy Wars) if it happens again, why not tell your daughter ? calmly and very firmly -- that you understand she is angry about something and she knows she is NOT to hit. Then pick up your son, and focus attention on him. Maybe even leave the room for a short while if it?s safe to do so. That way your daughter doesn?t receive attention for grotty behaviour.
This can be very effective in turning around aggressive behaviour between siblings, but can only work longterm if you also shower her with attention and descriptive praise when she is behaving considerately.
Encouraging them both to take turns with toys also seems to help. As will talking to her about feelings and ways to express them, and giving her the one-to-one attention most siblings crave.
Hi Snugs,
Little children sometimes need to be shown what gentle means. Why not stroke him under the chin to show how nice it feels when it?s done gently, or hold his hand and stroke his little brother gently together. If your little one likes it, he?ll show it. Then?s the chance to praise your older son and make him feel a million dollars for doing something as wonderful as making another person smile.
I think even the sweetest and happiest older children are often very aware when their loving tickles turn into strangle holds. They do resent their younger siblings and a little tweaking and pinching is one way to show it. Our job is to show them that we love them to bits, understand how they?re feeling, and want them to stick to family rules of behaviour. That way, the contradictory messages may become one, clear message: ?It?s great when you play together and you?re both having fun. If you don?t want to have fun, leave him alone.?
Hi Satty,
Awards tend to be short term, you?re right. Some parents of ADAH children contacted us after we published our first book ? Raising Happy Children ? to say how much they appreciated the advice on encouraging children to co-operate and on guiding behaviour. Sometimes we do have to be very clear and firm with our children, as well as understanding and loving.
There?s also much advice in Sibling Rivalry Sibling Love on supporting children with a brother or sister with special needs or very different abilities (NF, you may want to look at this too).
Two books won?t come cheap, even at Amazon. Why not order them from your library instead.
Hi Giggi,
You are absolutely right. Rivalry can be a great spur, as we explain in the book. I guess much depends on how inevitable rivalries are handled within the family, and whether any child feels that ?different to? equals ?lesser than? or, most hurtful of all, ?less loved than?. Children?s perception of themselves in relation to their brothers and sisters can limit their views of their own potential, sometimes for life.
Great news that you?re good friends. I do want to be clear, though, that our intention in the book is not to eradicate jealousy and rivalry. Couldn?t do it, even if we wanted to. But rather to help children cope, so hurts don?t go so deep or cause long term damage to their self-esteem or to their sibling relationships.
Hi ExpatKat,
Many parents told us that this strategy seemed to help but, as a general rule of thumb, if it doesn?t feel right for you, don?t do it. There are approaches that will help you support your eldest, encourage him to feel understood and see that having a brother or sister can be good fun. My instinct ? and very well respected research backs this up ? is that these are much more important to family relationships than any gift at the time of the birth.
Hi sobernow,
We all bring our own experiences of childhood to how we view our children (our feelings, about our past as well as our present experiences as parents, are discussed in depth in the chapter Exploring Emotions).
If you continue to be concerned about your partner?s focus on your older child, why not take the older child out on your own sometimes, leaving your partner with your little one so they can have relaxed one-to-one time together and enjoy each other?s company? Or ask him to read the chapter in the book on favouritism!
Parental favouritism is one of the known spurs to extreme sibling hostility, as are parental ?allegiances? ? where each parent has obvious and long term affinity with a different child in the family. For all your sakes, it?s an issue worth thinking about and addressing.
Hi Tigermoth,
Adolescence can be tough for siblings, especially the one ?left behind? in the developmental journey. But as the last chapter of the book explains, there?s much parents can do to help. Much of the groundwork can be done earlier ? encouraging them to find solutions to their arguments, consider other people?s feelings, respect their own and express their opinions assertively rather than aggressively etc etc. Through their teens it helps to explain and reassure about the processes of puberty and adolescence, and to maintain connections by doing things together as a family so they have shared memories and will find it easier to reconnect in adulthood. Huge topic, but there?s much in that last chapter that may help.
Hi Jolie,
You?re right. She is bound to ask ? or at least want to. It will be very hard for you to talk about the loss of your baby. If you find it too hard, or if you feel your daughter is trying to protect your feelings by not asking the questions she needs, perhaps you could ask your partner or another relative or trusted friend to talk to her. She needs to know that it is very unlikely that you?ll experience such a loss again, and that the love between you all helped you cope last time. Your daughter also needs someone who?ll listen to how she feels, if and when she wants to speak about it. When she has a new brother or sister, she needs to be reassured that it?s OK to not always feel loving towards siblings, even when they are so precious and so wanted.
The chapters on communication and emotions contain insights from many sources which may help.
Hi Billetjo,
Cyclones need to rush about and expend some of their huge amounts of energy before they can settle in a confined space ? like a home ? without causing major disruption. Have you tried going to the park, the swimming pool, anywhere he can let off lots of steam once a day? If that?s hard, have you tried a mini trampoline (available from Early Learning Centre etc)? Kids can bounce on them for hours, even inside, which may lessen the temptation to bounce off older siblings.
Could he have a friend to play when his brother has a friend home? More work for you in many ways, but maybe less of a headache all round if he doesn?t disrupt their games.
Perhaps he would benefit from more calm one-to-one time with you, if that?s possible, so he doesn?t feel so driven to disrupt for attention. Clearly explained and firmly applied rules about butting in and destroying games might also be needed. He?s only three so don?t expect him to turn around his behaviour overnight. He?ll need the rules explained and repeated ? and reinforced with heaps of praise when he gets the hang of them -- but in time he should get the message.
Hi to Glory, NF and all other mumsnet members worried about their children?s fights.
The roots of children?s fights can lie in many things, so it would be glib and unhelpful to come up with a one-size fits all solution to every eventuality. However, children do seem to benefit when parents encourage them to find their own solutions to arguments. In fact well respected, new research from a Canadian team of developmental psychologists suggests that when children are encouraged to think through their problems and agree solutions that each is happy with, the number and intensity of sibling rows is reduced. These skills of negotiation, assertion and compromise will also benefit them in relationships outside the home.
These and other possible ways forward are detailed in the book. So please don?t despair. There is much that may help.
Hi ScrummyMummy,
Thanks for you kind words about Raising Happy Children. It?s always great to hear from people who enjoy our books and find they help
To answer your questions: 1) I don?t think streaming will matter overmuch right now, as long as your boys aren?t aware that it?s happening. Neither do I think any nursery staff worth their salt would think you were making a big issue of things if you raise your concerns.
Clear differences in ability, compounded by streams and groupings, can be hard for any sibling to negotiate and for twins, who are compared so much more often and by so many, it can be even tougher. That?s one reason why I think it?s crucial we impress on our children that there are many ways to shine in life, that people excel at different things and learn at different rates, and that each child is loved and appreciated just for being themselves. Sometimes this is easier to say than to show, but the sections on twins, identity and comparisons between siblings contain many ideas that may help.
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I think Gina Ford has heaps of experience in tackling many important issues and a great many parents have appreciated her advice.
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Not surprised you?re baffled! Some counselling courses are ?distinctly bizarre? as you say, and some are excellent. Before you sign up to anything, it might be worth having a look at the website for the UK Council for Psychotherapy, and its outline of the different theoretical approaches and the various member organisations ? great for getting a very basic feel for the central ideas of each way of working (www.ukcp.org.uk). The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy ? tel 01788 578328 ? publishes a list of accredited training courses and other information. It really is worth talking to as many people as possible, to explore different options and career paths. Other good sources of information include The Trainee Handbook: A guide for counselling and psychotherapy trainees. Eds Robert Bor and Mary Watts (Sage); The Training in Counselling and Psychotherapy Directory (BACP); and a huge but fascinating tome ? An Introduction to Counselling, by John McLeod (OUP). Good luck!
Hi Stukey,
With children as close in age and as different in interests and aptitude, I think all we?ve discussed regarding twins applies. They?ll need their own time with you, and recognition as individuals in their own right rather than how they measure up in relation to their sibling. The world is full of people who?ll compare your sons. Your sons will doubtless measure their achievements against those of their brothers, as siblings tend to do. It?s our job as parents not to join in and, as far as we?re able, to help each child feel they shine in our eyes.