Hi Scarletsmum.
You are very brave and honest, and obviously care very deeply about your relationship with your sister, and about your daughter.
You are absolutely right, too, to raise these issues here. The final chapter of our book goes into sibling relationships in adolescence and adulthood, precisely because they are so important to us and because of the clear link between what happens between siblings in childhood and how they feel about each other in later life. Feelings rooted in our childhood relationships with brothers and sisters affect us throughout life and even into old age in ways we might never have imagined. Which is why what we do as parents can make such a difference to our children?s relationships, sometimes for life.
Please don?t let your relationship with your sister put you off having another child if this is something you want to do. It is true that adults often tend to view the potential of their children?s relationships through the prism of their own experiences with siblings, but we can liberate our children from our past. As one dad told us: ?Just because my relations with my brothers were hostile doesn?t mean hostility between brothers is inevitable. Acutally, my boys seem to quite like each other.? You can encourage more positive bonds in your own children than you experienced yourself (see the chapter on Exploring Emotions: our feelings as parents, for further discussion of these issues).
You?ve both been through a lot of hurt, much of it unspoken, much of it expressed explosively and negatively by your sister, as supressed feelings tend to do. Again, this points to the importance of encouraging our children to express how they feel and to respect the feelings of others (see chap on Communication in families).
If anything, sibling relationships tend to increase in significance as people move beyond young adulthood towards their middle years. It is often one of the most precious relationships in old age. So, again, you are right to go by your instincts and not break all the ties. Keep in contact with your sister, even if just for occasional family get-togethers or to speak to one another on birthdays. Rifts are so much easier to heal if they haven?t degenerated into ?no contact? feuds.
It may also help to understand the nature of brother and sister relationships. Because they know each other so well, brothers and sisters know exactly where to aim when putting the boot in. It?s a ?no-holds barred? relationship, with even adults directing hurt at siblings when it is actually rooted elsewhere in their lives. After all, you can?t take it out on a friend or they may not be your friend tomorrow. Your sister will always be your sister.
It may help to recognise the childhood roots of most adult sibling bitterness and how, if we continue to replay the roles and rows of our youth, the same old emotions will come flooding back. Love also involves acceptance ? of faults, of mistakes, of the different experiences each child in the family will have, even of exactly the same event. Importantly, adults need to talk and to listen. Now may not be the time, but if you maintain contact, that time may come.
I hope this helps a little. Huge topics, not much space. Anybody else have thoughts on this?